I’m a programmer and work in a room with a half dozen others. We often resort to good-natured teasing and complaining about each other, but I’m confident everyone knows it is in jest.

One of our coworkers has been making plans to be out in a few days for some surgery.

Me: “What is the surgery for, if you’re comfortable sharing?”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m an open book. I’m willing to share, but the real question is, do you really want to know? You can’t complain about it being too much information if you ask.”

Me: “Come on, tell us.”

Coworker: “Okay, you know how if someone does something really impressive, people will always say something like, ‘That guy has to have some huge cojones to do that.’?”

Me: “Yeah…?”

Coworker: “Well, it turns out that huge cojones aren’t as convenient as everyone made them out to be, and I’m apparently too awesome for my own good.”

He eventually goes on to explain that he has a hydrocele, which is some sort of liquid buildup on the outside of the testicle, making it grow larger until it gets in the way.

The day of his surgery, he is the only one not on vacation that can support some servers, so he comes in for two hours to check on the servers and have some sort of meeting before leaving for the surgery. When the time comes to leave, he has this to say.

Coworker: “Okay, folks. I hope none of you take this the wrong way, but I just realized I’d rather go get my balls chopped off than spend another moment here with all of you. See you on Monday.”

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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My wife and I are shopping in a large chain store where almost every store is set out the same way, with the departments all in the same order. So, if you shop there regularly, like me, you quickly learn your way around the store, even if it’s a [Store] you’ve never been to before. The only difference is that occasionally the store layout is flipped, like a mirror image of the usual layout.

We’re looking for a few things, including a specific vase we want. This isn’t our usual [Store], and it is pretty busy, being Sunday afternoon, so my wife is a little turned around and getting a bit flustered.

Wife: “Hang on, we need to find the vases. I’m not sure where they are.”

Me: “Follow me; it’s this way.”

I start walking in the right direction.

Wife: “Are you sure? I think we’ve already passed them!”

Me: *Calling over my shoulder* “I know where I’m going!”

Sweet Old Lady: “Oh, if you know where you’re going, you might know where I need to go, then!”

I stop in my tracks and laugh, mostly at myself because I realise I am being kind of loud and probably obnoxious. My wife laughs at me, too.

Me: “Of course, I’ll help. What are you looking for?”

Sweet Old Lady: “Do you know where the hangers are?”

Wife: “Oh, I do! We just passed them!”

My wife then ran back to the row with the hangers and gestured grandly. The sweet old lady thanked us and said something like, “I know you don’t work here, but I was a bit lost, and since you seemed so confident, I thought I’d ask you for help.”

She got her hangers and we parted ways. Sadly, they didn’t have the vase we wanted in stock.

We’ve recently been having issues with our garage door, as it will often start to close, make a weird noise, and then open back up. One day, I drop my husband off to pick up his car after getting a minor issue fixed, and since he has to go in and get his keys, I beat him home. Once home, I phone him and ask if I should just leave the garage door open, since he will be home soon.

Husband: “No! There are valuables in there!”

Fair enough; we do have a bike, camping equipment, and several tools in there, so I close it.

Not too long later, he gets home and comes through the door.

Husband: *Complaining* “Why did you lock the front door?”

Me: “There are valuables in here!”

Husband: “But you’re in here!”

I just stood there with my mouth open. It took him a while to realize what he’d said.

I work for an online gambling firm. Rather than having loads of varying departments, we try to resolve as much as possible with one agent to create a better customer experience to save transferring customers.

On my first day, I am listening in on someone taking the calls. A technical call comes in.

An elderly lady is calling up because her screen is flashing lots of different colours and is making a lot of noise, so she had to turn the sound off. The agent asks what she has been doing, and she starts navigating around the account details as the lady is detailing what she sees on her screen. She describes what sounds like a broken monitor, but it’s only just happened.

It sounds like the lady puts the phone down on a surface for a moment as we can hear her, muffled, in the background. This is when the agent I’m listening in on starts to go white. She taps my hand, and on the screen, she has highlighted the balance of the customer’s account.

It’s £297,000.

Immediately, the agent throws her hand in the air to alert everyone of a big win. People start crowding around the desk. I feel SO pumped.

The lady comes back onto the phone.

Lady: “Sorry, I went to get my glasses.”

Agent: *Very calmly* “I think I have found the problem, but I need you to turn your sound on.”

The sound is duly turned on, the agent hits the speakerphone button on her terminal, and we all hear the sound of party poppers and general celebration sounds. The flashing screen and the sounds were the notification that she had won a progressive jackpot. The agent asks her to sit down.

Agent: *Still calm* “You’ve won £297,000. I have never been so happy to confirm that there is no technical issue.”

The lady is quiet for several seconds before shouting:

Lady: “’Albert, quickly come here! ALBERT, ALBEEEERT!”

A senior agent took the call and arranged to get the funds sent out.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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I work at a craft store. One day, I overhear a customer complaining to her friend that she prefers to buy online because it’s cheaper. Her friend says that she prefers to shop.

Customer #1: *Smugly* “I’ll prove it to you; I got this on eBay the other day.” *Leans down to choose a product* “Oh, s***!”

Customer #2: “What’s wrong?”

Customer #1: “It’s only [Price]. I paid double that and extra for delivery.”

I had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing.