I’m chatting with my sister on the phone about the global health crisis. Unfortunately, I’ve been distracted by video games lately, particularly one where you play as an assassin.
Sister: “And there are some businesses that require a vaccine or else you can be terminated.”
Me: “Wow, that’s a little extreme.”
Sister: “What?”
Me: *Realization dawning* “Other kind of ‘terminated’. Right. Sorry.”
Sister: *Jokingly* “Either way, I guess you’re getting shot.”
I’m texting a friend.
Me: “Hey, man, sorry I missed your call. I was running.”
Friend: “Running? From whom?”
Me: “Uh… my winter weight?”
Friend: “Okay, fair enough.”
Hurricane Ida is getting ready to hit, so I go to the store to stock up on groceries (booze). I forgot my ID.
Cashier: “Can I see your ID?”
Me: “No.”
Cashier: “Okay.”
And then she just rang me up. I was tired, and I meant to say, “Sorry, I just realized I don’t have it!” or something polite, but I could only say no. She must’ve just accepted her fate.
I’m alone at home and my phone starts ringing.
Me: “Hello.”
Scammer: “Hello, this is [Scammer] from [Phone Provider]. Your phone line will be cut within the next twenty-four hours, so we need you to phone our special number for further instructions.”
I’m working from home due to the sanitary situation, and losing my phone and my Internet would be a VERY bad thing for me. However, there’s something about this woman’s voice that screams “scam attempt.” She makes me write the special number down and it’s becoming obvious that it’s a premium rate number: if I phone them, I’ll lose a lot of money. I could just hang up now or tell her I’m not fooled, but I decide to play with her, instead.
Scammer: “So! You have our number!”
Me: “Yes! 06 26…”
Scammer: “No. I just said 00 26.”
Me: “00 36…”
Scammer: “No. 00 26…”
Me: “00 26…”
Scammer: “76…”
Me: “36…”
Scammer: “No! There’s no 36!”
Me: “How dare you say that? One of my coworkers is thirty-six, and she’s a truly wonderful person!”
Scammer: “There’s no thirty-six in this phone number. Let’s resume.”
Me: “Okay, let’s resume, but please, don’t insult the number thirty-six.”
Scammer: “Goodbye.”
She hung up. I waited twenty-four hours and my line wasn’t cut. I guess it was definitely a scam attempt.=
This story is part of the Phone Scam Payback roundup!
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I’m a paid tax preparer. I have a habit of making educated guesses about clients and, when I’m correct, saying that I’m mildly psychic.
One of my coworkers is very “anti-phooey,” to use his own words. He often gets very upset with me and tries to lecture me on how I cannot possibly be psychic, how it’s all fake, and how I should just admit it and stop pretending.
He’s right that it’s fake, but… frankly, it entertains the clients, it’s none of his business, and some of the choice words he uses in his hours-long lectures upset me.
I have a wide web of contacts, so I arrange for one of my coworkers to come to me as a fake client. Since she’s in on the joke, I have a great deal of fun with her, pretending to read her palm and explaining my “charms” to her — I wear some jewelry just for that day. I can see my angry coworker seething in the next cubicle over as I work my charms on a knowing victim.
Finally, I peak by “psychically intuiting” the amount of her W2 and entering it into the computer without opening her letter.
This triggers my angry coworker, and he barges into my cubicle.
Coworker: “There is no way. There is no way you can psychically gather someone’s W2 information. None. This is all wrong. You’re going to have to delete it and redo it. Do you want to come work with someone who isn’t a charlatan, ma’am?”
Me: “But wait! Before you call me a charlatan, check the numbers!”
Of course, they are spot on; we downloaded her W2 from the company website, and I entered it that way while pretending to be psychic.
My angry coworker splutters, quite flummoxed.
Coworker: “What?! How?!”
Me: “Magic.”
It was totally worth the resulting trip to human resources after my angry coworker’s frustrated bellowing attracted the attention of the entire office. All three of us got written up.
