I work in a grocery store that loves a good food pun. This particular season we have a display of gift cards at every register that feature various cutesy food puns: “You’re a really big dill!” or, “Lettuce taco ’bout love,” etc.

A customer comes to my register and casually sifts through the gift cards as I ring up her purchase. Suddenly, her face goes from neutral to outraged. She grabs a gift card from the rack and shoves it in my face.

Customer: “I can’t believe you would put this out here for people to see!”

Me: “That gift card? What’s wrong with it?”

Customer: “Well, call me old-fashioned, but this saying is very suggestive and inappropriate. What if a child were to see this and ask what it means?”

Me: “I thought it was kind of cute. I don’t think the idea of hugging and kissing is too taboo, even for children.”

Customer: “…wait, how do you pronounce this?”

The gift card she was holding said, “Hugs and quiches,” which most people would interpret to mean, “Hugs and kisses.” Unfamiliar with how to pronounce “quiche,” she had understood it to mean, “Hugs and quickies.”

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I’m at work at a ski and snowboard park on a busy Friday. We have a ladies’ clinic going on as well as the usual rush of people. Due to some poor planning from the event coordinator as well as my boss, we are slammed. I’m the only cashier and I have a line out the door.

At one point during this madness, my boss is up front helping to run out orders when a customer comes up to ask a question.

Customer: “So, when is the men’s clinic?“

My boss just gives him a blank stare.

If this guy was genuinely asking I would have been nice, but he is trying to be a d**k on purpose.

Me: “It’s on February thirtieth!“

Customer: “When?“

Me: “February thirtieth! That’s when we have our men’s clinic this year!“

Customer: “Oh! Okay, thanks!” *Strolls off, happily.*

Related:
Now With Smarch And Gebruary!

Customer: “I bought a [sound system] from you and it’s just been delivered. I connected it all together and plugged it in and pushed the on-off button like it says in the instruction manual, and I must have broken it because it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Can you make sure you connected it correctly?”

Customer: “I followed what it says in the instruction manual. There are four things you have to plug in and they’re all different plugs and they only go in one way round so it’s difficult to get it wrong.

Me: *Laughing* “You’d be surprised!”

Customer: “Oh. Okay, then. I must have done it wrong, then. But I followed what it says in the manual and I can’t work out what I’ve done wrong.”

Me: “Okay, so tell me what happens. You plugged it in and switched it on and nothing happened?”

Customer: “Yeah. It says in the manual that the lights should light up and the screen should show something, but nothing happens.”

Me: “It might just be the fuse. Have you checked the fuse?”

Customer: “My wife says I’m not allowed to open it because it will invalidate the warranty, and she doesn’t want me to do that.”

Me: “Don’t worry about that. Can you check the fuse in the plug?”

Customer: “Hang on. Let me get a screwdriver so I can lever off the fuse cover.” *Tinkers about* “There’s one in there, so that’s all right. I don’t know how I can check it.”

Me: “Have you got another fuse you can put in? Take out the old one and put the new one in its place.”

Customer: “Hang on, I have one in my toolbox. Half a minute.” *Clatters about for a bit* “Got one, three amps, isn’t it. So, I took out the old one and put the new one in and…” *Rattles around a bit more* “I plugged it in and it came on automatically; I didn’t have to push the on-off button.”

Me: “So it’s all working now?”

Customer: “I think so. I’ve got to go through the instruction manual to find out what else I’ve got to do to set it up. My wife will be cross with me, though, because I broke the fuse.”

Me: *Laughs* “Just don’t tell her.”

Customer: “She’s watching me. She’s already cross. Thank you for your help, and sorry for breaking it.”

Me: “Not at all.”

My dad had to throw away his favorite pair of sneakers after they were ruined and asked me to order him a new pair as it was during the health crisis and stores were closed. The problem was that he didn’t know the brand name; he would always just get the same pair and would look for them in the store. However, my dad had the stereotypical “dad shoes,” so on a hunch, I Googled “dad shoes” to see if it was the correct pair.

Me: “Dad, is this the pair that you want?”

Dad: “That’s it exactly! How did you find them so quickly?!”

I scrolled up so he could see my search bar.

Dad: “Well, at least it’s nice to know I’m part of the official club.”

Several years ago, when I was in elementary school — nine or ten years old — my parents surprised my brothers and me with a trip to Disneyland over the summer. The way they had it planned out, we knew we were going to be taking a road trip to California but didn’t know our end destination. We also had been told that we would be getting a budget to buy various souvenirs while we were on said vacation.

I was — and kind of still am — a bit of a Disney nut and I knew that California was where Disneyland was, so to me, that meant we’d see more Disney stores. The park never entered my mind; don’t ask me why. I had a set of sheets that had Jasmine and Rajah from “Aladdin” on them. I’d worn them to pieces and I’d been hoping to get more. So, one day, my mom and I were home and I went to my mom who was folding laundry in the laundry room.

Me: “Hey, Mom, what’s our budget going to be for the souvenirs while we’re in California?”

Mom: “Your dad and I haven’t decided on an exact amount yet, but we’ll let you know.”

Me: “Well, it’s just, do you think the budget would be enough for me to get another set of Jasmine sheets if I find some?”

Mom: “That might be a bit expensive. But we can also look into ordering a set for you, maybe. Plus, you don’t need to go buying sheets at Disneyland.”

I didn’t pick up on the slip immediately and walked out. Then it clicked and I ran back into the room.

Me: “Wait, did you say Disneyland?”

Mom: *Pauses* “Maybe?”

Me: “Really?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “Seriously? Yay!”

I ran in and gave her a hug.

Mom: “Okay, so I spilled the secret, but I need you to keep it from your brothers until we get there. Do you think you can keep the secret?”

Me: “Yeah! Yay!”

I ran off, very excited. I did manage to keep it a secret from my brothers, although I remember getting more and more excited the further into California we got. We had a lot of fun at the park and while I did get souvenirs, I didn’t get a sheet set.