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The Holiday Of Dr. Moreau

, , , , | Right | November 24, 2022

I work in a grocery store.

Customer: “Hey! I don’t need anything, but can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Of course! What can I help you with?”

Customer: “My wife is making something called a turducken. How do they do that?”

Me: “You mean how do they make a turducken?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “They take the bones out of a chicken, duck, and turkey. Then, they stuff the chicken in the duck and the duck in the turkey.”

Customer: “Well, now I feel like an idiot. I thought they had created a duck/turkey/chicken hybrid. I was wondering how they got those animals to breed.”

Me: “No, it’s just a stuffed meal.”

Customer: “That would be some real Dr. Moreau-type s***.”

When Mr., Mrs., And Mx. Just Won’t Cut It

, , , , , , | Working | November 23, 2022

I have just come out as nonbinary. It’s an adjustment for my boss and coworkers. They’re great with my new name but not so much with my pronouns/other nicknames. It helps us all when we don’t take things too seriously.

I’m cleaning up the milkshake machine after I was making a milkshake and it exploded on me. This always happens only with the chocolate for some reason. My boss comes up to me. I don’t remember the exact context, but he calls me “Miss”.

I give him a look.

Me: “Miss?”

Boss: “Sir? No, I’m just going to call you what you are. Mess.”

I look at the milkshake I’m cleaning up.

Me: “Yeah, that’s fair.”

The Latest NAR Avenger: Bobby Spiderman!

, , , , , , , , | Right | November 23, 2022

I work in the produce department. There’s a kid in there named Bobby who has a really good sense of humor. He takes a call from a customer.

Customer: “I found a spider in my grapes!”

Bobby: “Sometimes bugs do come in on the fruit. We’re very sorry that happened.”

Customer: “I’m bringing it in so you can test whether it’s poisonous or not!

Bobby: “We don’t do that… and she hung up.”

The customer comes in later with a spider in a Tupperware container. She comes up to me.

Customer: “What are you going to do with it?”

As I’m backpedaling my way through the conversation, Bobby walks up.

Bobby: “OH, YOU’RE THE SPIDER LADY!”

He grabs the container and notes how big the spider is, which freaks her out a little bit.

Customer: “What are you going to do with it?”

Bobby: *With the most serious tone* “Probably going to shake him up and see if he’ll fight the other ones we have out back.”

Then, he just walked away. The customer went ape-s*** on me, but I wasn’t even mad.

The Curse Of The Babyface, Part 3

, , , | Working | November 23, 2022

I am someone who has the mixed blessing of being “babyfaced.” I say it’s a mixed blessing because this was seriously problematic for me in my teens and twenties. I had issues such as having the police called by a concerned citizen who thought a seventeen-year-old was passionately kissing a ten- or eleven-year-old, being kicked out of bars and nightclubs by rude bouncers accusing me of using a fake ID, and being carded at the theaters to see R-rated movies — despite the fact that I was thirty.

But this recent incident had me nearly in tears. It was after the health crisis lockdown, and right down the street from me was a massive playing field where I noticed people always running track or playing a sport. I decided I’d made enough excuses to keep sitting on my wobbly butt after noticing I could barely jog a block before running out of steam. I strolled into the office adjacent to the playing field to ask how to sign up for a membership.

The lady behind the counter gave me an odd look.

Lady: “I suppose you could, but I’m not sure you would fit well. The members here are pretty young, and you’re much older.”

Me: “That’s okay; I don’t mind young adults. I just would like to get back in shape and be active.”

Lady: “I understand that, but… are you sure you can keep up with them? Most of them are teenagers, and you are how old? Twenty-five? Twenty-six?”

Me: “Actually forty, but I don’t know whether to get offended or hug you!”

Related:
The Curse Of The Babyface, Part 2
The Curse Of The Babyface

They’re About As Bright As The Object They’re Holding

, , , , | Right | November 22, 2022

Customer: “I need to return this flashlight. It’s not lighting up.”

Me: “I can’t return that flashlight, sir.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because that’s a hose nozzle.