The Need To Manscape Does Not Make You A Man

, , , , , , | Right | February 18, 2021

A group of teenagers is in the theatre to see the show. Three of them approach the bar; two order Cokes and one orders a beer.

Me: “Sure, could I just see your ID for the beer?”

Boy: “Oh, I’m eighteen.”

Me: “Okay, I will still need to see your ID before I can give you the beer.”

He pulls down the neck of his T-shirt.

Boy: “But I have chest hair!”

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This Isn’t O! This Isn’t Even OK!

, , , , , | Friendly | February 17, 2021

This story happened a while ago, but my boyfriend and I still talk about it occasionally because it was, in retrospect, very funny. It’s about 1:00 am on a weekend. My boyfriend is asleep, but I’m a night owl and am still up.

I’m using the bathroom attached to our home office when I hear an unfamiliar voice outside my apartment. I don’t think much of it… until I hear our front door open and suddenly the voice is INSIDE our apartment! I hastily get myself decent, but before I can even button my fly, I hear:

Boyfriend: “WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING IN MY APARTMENT?”

Stranger: “Wha?! Uh… this is my apartment?”

Boyfriend: “NO. THIS IS MY APARTMENT!”

I peek out of the bathroom to see my 6’4″, 260-pound linebacker of a boyfriend, having apparently woken out of a dead sleep and raced into the living room in nothing but boxer-briefs faster than I could even pull up my pants, menacing a very startled-looking college-aged young man.

Boyfriend: “SO, AGAIN, WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!”

Stranger: “Uh, uh… I’m on acid, bro.”

There’s a beat of silence, but finally, my boyfriend lowers the fist that was poised to hit the apparent intruder.

Boyfriend: “What apartment building are you in?”

Stranger: *Pauses* “O?”

Boyfriend: “This is K. Get out.”

Stranger: “Uhhh…”

My boyfriend then has to physically turn the kid around, guide him out the door, and point him in the correct direction of his own apartment. We realize that when we got delivery earlier in the day, I neglected to lock the door, which is how he got in so easily. We both stay up a bit to shake off the adrenaline, but by the next morning, we have found the levity in the situation.

Me: “Honestly, it’s terrifying that you woke up out of a dead sleep that ready to just wreck someone’s s***. You didn’t even put on pants!”

Boyfriend: “It honestly didn’t occur to me. All I knew was that I couldn’t hear your voice, but I could hear a male voice I didn’t recognize, and that was wrong.”

Me: “Poor kid is probably terrified of this building now.”

Boyfriend: “Actually, he probably could barely comprehend where he was or who was talking to him. He’s probably like, ‘I met my spirit animal! He’s a gorilla and an a**hole!’”

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London Has REALLY Extended The Tube Recently…

, , , | Right | February 17, 2021

I work at the enquiries desk of a hospital.

Visitor: “Do you have any maps?”

Me: “We sure do!”

I hand him a pocket-sized fold-out map with a picture and the name of our hospital in bold writing across the front.

Visitor: “Is this a map of the hospital?”

Me: *Unable to hide my smile* “What else would it be a map of?”

The visitor catches on to how silly a question that was and laughs at himself.

Visitor: “I don’t know, maybe London?”

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Art Is… Complicated

, , , , , , | Learning | February 17, 2021

I was a physics major, but there were still some general education courses that were required. Although a few had some useful information, most of them were worthless. I went to the first few classes, and if I found that they contained no useful information, I would not read the books or go to the lectures except when needed. One of these courses was called “Survey of the Arts.”

For my midterm essay, I argued that art movements typically have patterns opposing societal change, such as the “Romanticism” art movement standing against increasing industrialization and a decreasing sense of individual dignity.

For my final essay, I argued that art movements typically have patterns reflecting societal change, such as the “Realism” art movement being caused by increasing industrialization and a decreasing sense of individual dignity.

I got good grades on both.

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Animal Attraction, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 17, 2021

I work as a vet’s assistant and I typically help with restraining the pets. Normally, I enter the room with a greeting to the pet.

Me: *To the dog* “Hiiiii, baby!”

Client: *Looks me up and down* “Well, hi there, honey!”

Me: “…”

I pet the dog, not realizing he was talking to me. The client turns to the veterinarian.

Client: “Well, d***, they’re always talking to the animals, ain’t they?”

Related:
Animal Attraction
Animal Attraction, Part 2

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