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Customer Service, God Speaking

, , , , | Right | August 14, 2008

(I’m working at the library; it’s cloudy and raining outside.)

Patron: “Can you do something about all that noise?”

Me: “Is the AC too loud? Maintenance isn’t here today, but I can give you some earplugs.”

Patron: “NOT THAT!  The construction! Tell them I’m trying to work!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no construction.”

Patron: “That rumbling!”

Me: “You mean the thunder?”

Patron: “Whatever. Tell them to stop.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I really have no control over nature.”

Patron: “Ugh, you people! You can’t do ANYTHING!”

(Sadly, this man is a doctor.)


This story is part of the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

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Read the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

Holy F***, Indeed

, , , , , | Right | August 14, 2008

Customer: “You f****** b****! I’ll have your f****** a** fired for this!”

Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate your abusive language. If you do not knock it off, I am going to have to hang up on you.”

Customer: “I’m sorry. I’m really not usually like this.”

(I help with the customer’s problem, which involves some downtime while the website processes his request.)

Customer: “So, where are you?”

Me: “We’re based out of Utah.”

Customer: “I’m in Van Nuys, California. Do you know where that is, lady?”

Me: “I actually do. I lived there for six months.”

Customer: “No s***! What were you doing here?”

Me: “I was a Mormon missionary.”

Customer: “And what is your name?”

Me: *gives name*

Customer: “Holy f***. I know you. I’m the bishop!”


This story is part of the American States roundup!

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Grab Bag: Alaskan Cruise

, , , , , | Right | August 14, 2008

(I worked briefly in one of the regional offices for a cruise line. One of my jobs was to read all customer comment cards from the end of their tours and cruises and enter the comments into our database.)

1. “Please cut down some of the trees in Denali National Park. It is difficult to see the forest because these trees are in the way.”

2. “There are a lot of old cars scattered all over the place. Can you please remove them? They look ugly.”

3. “I wanted to see Mt. McKinley but it was raining and too cloudy. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

4. “I couldn’t swim in the outside pool on the cruise ship because it was raining the entire trip. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

5. “I didn’t like the reindeer sausage you served on the train. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

6. “I wanted to see the wildlife tour, but 5:00 am is way too early for me to wake up while I’m on vacation. Can you please schedule the wildlife to be available later in the afternoon, so that I can see them?”

7. “I was supposed to ride the train through Denali National Park, but there was a fire. Why did you schedule the fire while I was there?”

8. “Why are there so many Alaskan natives in Alaska? Can you ask them to leave?”

9. “There are way too many trees and animals on the wildlife tour. Can you please put in some malls and tennis courts?”

Effective Marketing

, , , | Right | August 10, 2008

(An elderly woman is complaining to my manager about a recent ad in which a woman appears in lingerie. The ad is promoting a special on two fish sandwiches for $4.)

Woman: “I was so offended. I can’t believe they would show that on TV. Children might have been watching!”

Manager: “I’m very sorry you were offended, ma’am.”

Woman: “It was so offensive! Is there anyone I can talk to?”

Manager: “I can give you the number for the regional office or you can send an email from the website.”

Woman: “It was just so offensive!”

Manager: “Again, I’m very sorry, ma’am. By the way, here are your two fish sandwiches.”

Grog Carry Bag, Grog Not Fashion Consultant

, , , , , | Right | August 9, 2008

Customer: “What do you think about this bra?”

Customer’s Husband: “Umm… sure.”

Customer: “Okay, should I get this one in white or black?”

Customer’s Husband: “I don’t know! I don’t wear them, I just take them off of you!”