Me: “Good afternoon, you’re though to [Phone Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m trying to work an application on my phone and it’s asking me for a star sign, but you guys haven’t given me one.”

Me: “We would not give you a star sign. Those are to do with the stars and when you were born.”

Customer: “I didn’t sign up for that!”

Me: “It’s not something to sign up for; it’s to do with the constellations around the date of your birth. For example, I am a Pisces.”

Customer: “What am I, then?”

(I check online using the date of birth on record.)

Me: “You are Aquarius, the water bearer.”

Customer: “Eh?”

Me: “Your zodiac is Aquarius.”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Never mind. You are an Aquarius.”

Customer: “So do I just put that into the phone then?”

Me: “Give it a try!”

Customer: “Will do! If I’m not an Aquarius, can I call back?”

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Pizza Chain]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I ordered a pizza two hours ago and it still hasn’t arrived.”

Me: “I am sorry about that, sir. Can I get your phone number? We can see what happened.”

(The customer gives me the phone number.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it appears your order was placed for carryout.”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t understand what that means.”

Me: “Well, it means you need to actually come down to the store and pick it up.”

Customer: “Oh, I thought it meant you would carry it out to me.”

Me: “No, sir, that would be delivery. Would you like me to switch it to delivery for you?

Customer: “What does that mean?”

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Pool Store]. How may I help?”

Caller: “How much would a new pump be for my pool?”

Me: “Have you got an in-ground or an above-ground?”

Caller: *long pause* “I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know?”

Caller: “No! How could I?”

Me: “All right. Go into your back yard, and run at the pool. If you fall in, it’s probably an in-ground. If you bounce off, it’s an above-ground.”

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(I work at a self-serve frozen yogurt shop, where people get their own yogurt and toppings then pay by weight.)

Customer: “Excuse me, you should be supervising this store. These kids are putting their fingers in the toppings. It’s not clean!”

(I look around for a parent, but there seems to be nobody else of suitable age in the shop.)

Me: “Are these your children?”

Customer: “Yes, but you should be supervising them! It’s your job!”

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(This at the DVD release of the Twilight Movie. Two men approach the desk. They are Caucasian.)

Customer #1: “Hey, lend me some money; I wanna buy this movie!”

Customer #2: “Naw, get your own cash!”

Customer #1: “C’mon, this movie got leprechauns!”

Customer #2: “Dang, I ain’t gonna give you no cash!”

Customer #1: “Man, you spoozy!”

([Customer #1] walks off, returns with ‘Twilight.’)

Customer #1: “C’mon! It’s on sale! Jus’ lend me 20!”

Customer #2: “All right, fine, take it.”

Customer #1: *looking at me* “Eh, man, know what this movie’s about?”

Me: “Well–”

Customer #2: *pointing at the characters on the cover* “This one’s a vampire, and this b**** don’t know ’bout it!”