I went to school in a very hilly part of California. The school I went to was built on the side of one of these very steep hills. The school’s structure followed the slope of the hill.

There were three large double doors in the school: one near the top, one near the bottom, and one near the middle. For some reason, the doors near the middle were kept locked, and the top door was designated as entrance only, the bottom as exit only.

Oddly, the middle of the school was the part closest to the drop-off point where busses and parents were permitted to drop off their kids.

I once asked a teacher why the entrance and exit were set up in that strange way. The teacher said that the principal wanted us to have to walk uphill both ways. I didn’t get the joke back then, but now I understand that’s something that old people sometimes say they had to do to their kids.

So, everyone who went to that school really did have to walk uphill both ways.

I work for a grocery delivery company. I am not actually an employee of any grocery store. Because of this, whenever I’m working, employees tend to drop their work-persona around me because I am not a “real” customer. I love it.

Deli Employee: “Hi! How can I help you today?” 

Me: “Can I get a pound of this ham—” *shows her the order on my app* “—cut on #2, please?”

The deli employee drops her customer service voice as soon as she sees who I am.

Deli Employee: “The other b**** who was supposed to be up here has a doctor’s appointment and left early. I get that. I get it. But girl, you got a whole a** job; you gotta get someone to cover for you, because look at this s***! I’m back here alone! Do you understand? These b*****es leave me here alone! I was supposed to clock out three hours ago, but ain’t no one came to help me. I’m ‘bout to walk out right now and my manager can’t say nothing. We’re out of most cheese. F*** am I supposed to do about that? If my manager has the audacity to try and chit-chat with me when I clock out, I’m swinging. I don’t care. She can fire me. Everyone’s hiring; I’ll get a new job today.”

She hands me the ham and returns to cheery smiles

Deli Employee: “Thank you, have a good day! Who’s next? Actually, ma’am, we’re out of rotisserie chickens…”

I swear she didn’t take a breath that whole time.

I am working from home. Incoming calls come into our headsets with this loud BEEP, which is our cue to launch into the company greeting. I am already in mid-conversation with a customer, and I hear a BEEP from — I’m guessing — my kid’s toys or maybe the TV in the other room. In any case, this BEEP causes me to interrupt the customer mid-sentence:

Me: “This is [My Name] from [Company]. How can I help you?”

There was an awkward pause as I realize what I had just done on auto-pilot and, I imagine, the customer wondered if he had just had a stroke. I apologized profusely and he just laughed it off, and I was grateful he couldn’t see how red I was!

Related:
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot

Two things to know about [Friend #1]: he loves his [soft drink] in large quantities, and he is a vehement teetotaler. He has recently moved from a rural farmhouse (owned by his grandfather) to a small town, which means he is relatively new to the experience of having actual, walking-distance neighbors. This conversation happens while we’re visiting some mutual friends.

Friend #1: “Turns out my neighbors are smokers. Having to work around those fumes really makes me understand how bad an addiction really is.”

Friend #2: “What do you mean?”

Friend #1: “Well, I like [soft drink], right?”

Friend #2: “I’d call that a little more than ‘like’.”

Friend #1: “So would I. Thing is, though, if me having a can of [soft drink] meant I had to sit outside in the blazing sun and force the senses of everyone around me to suffer the byproducts of my indulgence, I wouldn’t drink [soft drink] at home.”

Me: “How exactly would you ‘force someone’s senses to suffer’ from you having a [soft drink]?”

At this moment, [Friend #3], who has been enjoying her own carbonated beverage, unleashes the LOUDEST, LONGEST belch that I have ever heard in person. She immediately covers her mouth in embarrassment as silence falls on the table.

Me: “Fair point.”

[Friend #3] started laughing as she realized her unintentional timing, and the rest of us joined in.

It’s my third class of the day, history, at 11:30 am. Despite the early time, I’m exhausted, meaning I don’t have much of a filter. My history professor is having us answer questions about the Constitution as a refresher before the lesson. If someone gives the right answer — or even tries — he gives them a chocolate.

The professor clicks to the next slide.

Professor: “Okay. In two sentences, explain what the Constitution consists of.”

Me: “I don’t know. Words?”

Professor: “…”

The professor slowly handed me a chocolate as the class laughed.