I got my first computer in 1998 and quickly downloaded the ICQ messaging software. Yes, I’m old! A few hours after setting it up, I heard a sneeze. Then another sneeze. I called the computer store.

Me: “I think my new computer has a virus!”

Store Employee: “Why do you think that?”

Me: “It keeps sneezing!”

Store Employee: *Obviously trying not to laugh* “Have you installed ICQ?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Store Employee: “Someone is messaging you!”

He then gave up and laughed at full volume into the phone while I hung up, embarrassed.

I see a couple arguing near the TV section.

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Male Customer: “Yeah! I’m trying to tell my wife that this is one of those new OLED TVs, and that’s why the picture image is so good!”

Female Customer: “And I’m just saying I can’t see the difference, and I don’t know why they cost so much more.”

Male Customer: “Can you please explain to her why this looks so good?”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t do that — because that’s not a TV. That’s just a framed poster.”

The customers both look closer at what is (hopefully obviously now) a framed poster on the wall advertising our deals.

Female Customer: “I told you it didn’t look like anything special!”

Male Customer: “Are you kidding?! If a TV had the resolution of this poster, it would look amazing!”

Female Customer: “That doesn’t even mean anything! You’re just making up stuff!”

I slowly backed away, leaving them to it. I’ve since learned not to approach bickering couples in the store unless they specifically ask for help.

I work in a daycare that’s connected to a complex with a mall, a gym, and offices. A customer comes in looking for his son.

Me: “Which one is yours?”

Customer: “His name is Jeff.”

Me: “Oh, we actually have three of those today!”

Customer: “Mine’s the one that looks like you wouldn’t be surprised if he ate dirt.”

Me: “Oh… Well, a family name might work better.”

We look up the right Jeff, and a coworker brings him over.

Jeff: “Dad!”

Customer: “Hey there, buddy. Did you have fun while Daddy was working?”

Jeff: “Yeah! I found a bug, and guess what?! I didn’t eat it!” 

Customer: *Walking away with his son* “Progress, buddy. Progress…”

I was once chatting with a friend — I can’t remember the topic exactly — but he was becoming exasperated because he didn’t know or understand something I was talking about. (To be fair, I was probably being deliberately pedantic with him.) At one point, he exclaimed:

Friend: “Well, whatever! I don’t know; I’m not a rocket scientist!”

I paused for a second and cocked my head.

Me: “You’re an aerospace systems engineer at Lockheed Martin. You literally design spacecraft every day at your job.”

Friend: *Long pause* “Ah, h***.”

CONTENT WARNING: War, Serious Injury (Limb Amputation)
 

My grandfather was conscripted into the Red Army. In 1944, he fought from Stalingrad to Budapest as a tank driver. In Budapest, his tank was blown up, and he managed to get out with only one leg to be amputated.

A few weeks later, in the hospital, he got a false leg and was told that he was not allowed to drive anymore.

As he got up, a nurse helped him out of the hospital. A commissar walked up to him.

Commissar: “Comrade, I see you are ready to fight for the people again.”

Nurse: “But he cannot walk, let alone fight!”

Commissar: “Nonsense! He’s got both legs, both arms, and a head. That’s enough!”

My grandfather realised that the commissar was trying to joke with this description. The nurse, however, did not. Instead, she grabbed his false leg and pulled it — pulled it straight out of his pants while my grandfather was leaning on her.

Nurse: “See? He can not run anymore; he even has to relearn how to walk.”

The commissar turned white, the nurse was all red, and my grandfather started laughing. The commissar told him to spend some time walking and getting used to the new leg and then just walked away.

The nurse became my grandmother, and they lived happily together.