I’m out shopping for a few things and I remember that I need some ham, so I go to the cooked meats aisle and look for something tempting. As I’m searching for something nice, I hear a voice behind me saying, “Excuse me!” in a not-at-all polite manner. I look over my shoulder and see another customer. I acknowledge her and take two steps to the side but don’t turn around. I feel a tap on my shoulder and hear the same non-too-polite voice saying:

Customer: “Excuse me. I’m talking to you. Don’t ignore me.”

I turn around and open my mouth to ask what she wants and why she’s being rude, but before I can speak, she starts berating me for being a lazy member of staff and ignoring her.

Me: “If you think I work here, you’re wrong; I don’t.”

Customer: “You’re just being f****** lazy. I’ll have your job!”

Me: *Badly feigning surprise* “Really? You’ll have my job?”

She says, with a strange mixture of superiority, righteousness, and stupidity:

Customer: “Yes, I will.”

Me: “Okay. Suit yourself. You can have it.”

I wave my hands around in strange shapes and announce:

Me: “You are now officially a member of staff.”

It is said that a picture can speak a thousand words, but the look on her face just says, “What the f***?”

Customer: “But I want you to get [things] for me… I want—”

Me: “Don’t ask me. I’m a customer. You should ask a colleague since you work here. In fact, you can help me with what I need.”

Customer: “What? But I don’t work here!”

Me: “Yes, you do. You said you’d have my job, and I gave it to you. Now f*** off and leave me alone.”

She stomps off, but that isn’t the end of it. Another customer, who’s clearly seen the interaction, stops her halfway up the aisle.

Customer #2: “Oh, finally, someone who works here! Can you get that heavy [item] off the top shelf—”

Customer: “Oh, f*** off!”

She walked, presumably, out of the shop. [Customer #2], you absolute legend!

This story is part of our Halfway-Through-2022 roundup!

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I am part of a four-person team providing IT support for a spa manufacturing company. My role is “doing whatever it takes.” The culture can be described in a word: chaos.

Today, I got stopped by a frequent flier on my way back from a harrowing journey regarding a minor issue on the factory floor. [Technician] is a nice guy, loveable even. He is the lead spa technician and heads the department in charge of fixing broken hot tubs. I see him a lot because he has a knack for breaking or resetting the hardiest of mobile phones and forgetting credentials. [Technician] is a hard worker and, as he’s been here for almost three years, I am determined to help make him even better. Sometimes, all that takes is getting him to slow down and listen to himself.

Me: “What’s up, man?”

Technician: “Okay, listen. Can we get [Customer Service Person] access to a color printer? She prints off pictures of the spa in black and white, and I can’t see what’s going on in them.”

At the mention of “color printer”, he can feel the heat radiate from my body. He grins.

Me: “…?”

Technician: “Yeah, I can’t see where the leak is when it is black and white.”

Me: “Oh, so she is handing you pictures that the customer is emailing in!”

Technician: “Yeah, and the black and white is no help!”

Me: “So, why is she printing them?”

Technician: “Uh… what do you mean?”

I know he can do this, I know he can do this, it’s right there…

Me: “Why is she printing pictures that she received via email?”

Technician: “So I can see… Ohhhhhh! She can just send them to me! This is why you are the man!”

We both laugh.

Me: “Yeah, man, that should work a bit better for you!”

Now we’re thinking!

When I was in fourth grade, we had to write a poem about a color. I did green, and the title was 50 Shades Of Green.

I didn’t know what 50 Shades Of Gray was, and I had just heard someone mention the title somewhere.

My mom had to write my teacher a letter explaining this.

This is a story from a job I had years ago. Our company took PCs and modded them to collect call records from a PBX. One such customer had the PC in his office on a table near the door.

It started having trouble: in the night it would just power down. It’d be down for an hour or two and then come back up. It was happening at pretty much the same time every night.

Our engineers got concerned because they worried that this could start happening with the hundreds of other machines in the field. They tried to replicate the problem. Nothing.

They had the customer send the computer back in for testing. It worked perfectly.

They sent it back. And it started happening again.

So, one night, the customer stayed in his office just to watch the machine and see what happened.

That night, the door opened a crack, a hand reached in… and unplugged it… and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

Problem solved, and our engineers blew a big sigh of relief.

I work in a concessions stand. Our registers are older than most of our workers, and between them, a lot of brand-new workers, and a credit card reader that registers transactions at a glacial pace, our lines are getting backed up.

Me: “Sorry about the wait. Our registers are old and pretty slow.”

Customer: *Laughs* “Sounds like me.”

Me: “I dare say you function better than the registers!”

Customer: “I should certainly hope so!”