One time in the early 1970s, I was on a full bus heading from Minnesota to visit my cousin in South Dakota. This was back in the dark days of travel before there were many (if any) rest areas, gas stations at every major intersection, and chain restaurants galore. I was sitting up near the driver chatting with him. He was a cool guy and was telling me all sorts of stories.
We were approaching the border between the two states and he got on the PA.
Driver: “Welcome to South Dakota! Enjoy the wide-open views.”
Everyone who had kind of been dozing stirred and looked out the windows.
Right then, we passed a car on the side of the road, and out in front of it was some poor woman crouched down relieving herself. I can still remember the shocked expression on her face as this busload of people whizzed by and the laughter of the bus passengers getting their first glimpse of the… wonders of South Dakota.
I overheard a coworker talking to a customer over the phone.
Coworker: “Well, when a Mommy Phone and a Daddy Phone love each other very much, they like to BlueTooth…”
This happens when I’m around fifteen. My family is looking to move into a new house and are looking at some options. We’re looking over a lovely house in the country that has a fantastic view of a nearby river. Despite the fact that it would have very poor Internet and the river has been known to flood, my mom seems to be warming up to it.
Suddenly, though, we round a corner of the house and she SHRIEKS and simultaneously jumps about ten feet backward while shoving me forward. We all look at her like she’s lost her mind.
Her defense?
Mom: “I just saw a huge snake!”
So much for parental protection instincts!
When I was still in college, I got a summer job through literal nepotism; my uncle was the publisher of the magazine I worked at. It was a small office and everyone knew and liked my uncle.
One day, after I’d been there for several weeks, some of the editors started talking about how happy they were that the other intern and I turned out to be such great people to work with and that it seemed like the intern they’d been dreading wasn’t going to show up after all. Apparently, the previous year, someone high on the food chain had hired their kid for the summer and she was horrible. This year, they’d heard that the publisher was hiring his kid and they were all extremely relieved that hadn’t happened.
I looked at them quite quizzically.
Me: “Um, no, it’s the publisher’s niece. And he did hire me!”
They were completely gobsmacked. They had all spent weeks dreading being forced to work with someone who would do nothing and make their lives miserable again, while also quite enjoying my presence. How they missed that I was the person they were dreading, I don’t know. We have an extremely unique last name. The only people who come up when you Google that last name are very close relatives of mine.
I volunteered to get lunch for our design team. The new intern, who had been suspiciously quiet all morning, ordered this:
Intern: “I’ll have a six-inch meatball marina, please.”
Me: “Meatball marinara?”
Intern: “Yes, a six-inch meatball marijuana, please.”
