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Nothin’ Like A Good Old Existential Meltdown

, , , , | Right | May 22, 2008

(I’m confronted by a customer with an extremely high-pitched voice and impenetrable Highland accent. This is one of those tiny old Scottish women with a headscarf nailed on and muscles like steel wires. They are a common sight in the East of Scotland, and are almost immortal. Only the slow action of the wind off the north sea will gradually erode them.)

Me: “That will be £[amount], please.”

Old Lady: “Areyenamerican?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Old Lady: “Ah sid, are ye Namerican?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I missed that.”

Old Lady: “Are… ye… an… American?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I misheard you. No, I’m English.”

Old Lady: “Oh… why?”

(I have spent much of the last three years trying to come up with a satisfactory answer. As yet I have made no progress.)


This story is part of our Scotland themed roundup!

Read the next Scotland themed roundup story!

Read the Scotland themed roundup!

At Least She Giggled

, , , , | Right | May 18, 2008

Customer: “I can’t find my valet ticket…”

Me: “No problem, what’s on your key-chain? Anything specific?”

Customer: “Keys! With a round thing on it!”

(No luck, and with customers backing up behind her, I let her look for her own set while I attend to other customers.)

Customer: “They’re not here! Did you lose my keys? He lost my keys!”

(I suggest she look again for her claim check, and go back to other customers.)

Customer: “I don’t see what the problem is, my car is RIGHT THERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, is it at all possible that you parked your car and you have your keys?”

(She digs in her purse, giggles, and runs off to her car.)


This story is part of our Even-More-Bad-Drivers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

12 Stories About Customers Who Should Not Be Allowed To Drive!

 

Read the next Even-More-Bad-Drivers roundup story!

Read the Even-More-Bad-Drivers roundup!

Resistance Is Futile

, , , | Right | May 17, 2008

(A woman is filling out a library card application.)

Librarian: “Ma’am, I need your middle name, as well.”

Woman: “Why?”

Librarian: “We have a lot of duplicate entries, so we’re required to ask for middle names now.”

Woman: “I don’t want to give you my middle name.”

Librarian: “Ma’am, I already have your social security number. Giving me your middle name won’t hurt.”

Touché, Part Deux

, , , , , | Right | May 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you… I do apologize, sir. Your payment was received fifteen days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see. Can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no. You have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee?! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your god-d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank Nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about four to five minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g0d-d*** mo****-f****** Visa card and shove it up your god-d*** mo****-fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. My a** only accepts American Express.” *click*

How About, “Give Us All Your Money”

, , , | Right | May 14, 2008

(Once a month, we send out a mailer advertising our business. Like most ads it reads, “Call Now!”)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I received a card in the mail that said I should call you.”

Me: “Oh, you’re interested in our free design consultation? I’d be more than happy to set one up for you.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want anything like that. It just told me to call.”

Me: “So you’d like a free estimate for new floors?”

Customer: “No! The card you sent me in the mail! It said to call you, so I’m calling you! Why do you want me to call you?!”