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Fecal Tender

, , | Right | March 26, 2008

(A customer came in, grabbed a 40-ounce bottle of beer, approached my manager, and talked to him for a minute. The customer walked out and my manager came to the counter with the beer and some money. He purchased the beer, walked outside, and then returned. When no one was in the store, we all turned to the manager and asked what happened.)

Manager: “Well, the customer has the money to buy the beer… but he had an issue.”

Us: “What happened?”

Manager: “He said he was coughing real hard in the cooler…and he s*** in his pants…”

(That liquor store has never heard such laughter in the entirety of its existence.)


This story is part of our Grossest Customers Ever roundup!

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Bribery (Adjusted For Inflation)

, , , , , | Right | March 23, 2008

(A guy and his wife came into my store to ask about Wiis. The conversation went as follows…)

Man: “Where do you keep your Wiis at?”

Me: “We don’t have any in stock right now.”

Man: “When you gettin’ some?”

Me: “No idea, man. They just ship them to us… We are getting them about once a week, but there’s no set date or anything like that.”

Man: “Uh-huh… so you know the date but you aren’t allowed to tell us.”

Me: “No… I don’t know the date.”

Man’s Wife: “They play it off like it’s a big secret!”

(They leave and the man comes back about 25 minutes later, this time without his wife. He has this giant smile on his face and approaches me next to the counter.)

Man: “Hey, buddy, if you let me know when one of those Wiis comes in, I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

Me: *in a very childlike excited tone* “Twenty dollars?! Really, mister? That will totally cover all my bills and rent and anything else I need but can’t afford because I’ve lost my job!”

Man: “Everybody is a godd**n smarta**…”


This story is part of our Video Games Roundup!

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There’s No Accounting For Taste

, , | Right | March 22, 2008

(I work at a city cafe and we open early and get a lot of stupid obviously not morning people coming in. This woman orders two coffees.)

Me: “Here you go, two large flat whites.”

Customer: *takes a sip* “You know, these aren’t really hot. Your coffee isn’t cheap you know. It’s not good enough.”

Me: “I’m sorry, here, let me make you another one.”

(I make her the coffees over, this time as hot as I can without burning the milk.)

Customer: “Look, seriously, they’re still too cold. Make them again!”

(I make the coffees again, this time burning the milk so badly it stinks, burning the coffee shot, and generally doing everything I can to make it a crap coffee. It is, however, really hot.)

Me: “Here you go, I hope that’s a bit better. If you still aren’t satisfied, I can give you a refund.”

Customer: *takes big sip* “FINALLY, THANK you. Would it have been that hard to make it like this before?”

(The only explanation I can think of is that drinking too much hot coffee has burned off her tastebuds.)


This story is part of the Obnoxious-Coffee-Orders roundup!

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Why The Customer Isn’t Always Right

, , , , | Right | March 21, 2008

(I was working at an unusually small location for an otherwise large pet store chain. Because of our size, we needed to store large heavy items like aquariums on the top shelves. On this particular night, we were shorthanded and I was one of only two people working.)

Customer: “I need a 55-gallon aquarium.”

Me: “Just a moment, I will need to call my co-worker back here to help me get it down.”

Customer: “Okay, well, I’m in a hurry.”

(At this point, I call my coworker, and he says he will be back as soon as he has cleared the line that has formed at his register.)

Me: “It will be just a few minutes before he can come back and help me.”

Customer: “I’m in a hurry, I really need it now!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but that is a heavy item, and I will not be able to get it down on my own.”

Customer: “Like h*** you won’t! I said get it for me now! The customer is always right!”

(This repeats for several minutes before I finally decide I’ve had enough. I go get a ladder and attempt to get the aquarium down. Predictably, I cannot hold it, and the thing falls and shatters to pieces all over the floor. The guy stands there dumbfounded, not quite understanding what just happened.)

Me: “As you said, the customer is always right! There you are sir, enjoy your new aquarium.”

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I’m Sure They Can Make An Exception

, , , | Right | March 21, 2008

(An elderly woman drives up in her Mercedes and asks about our services.)

Woman: *in her Mercedes, after hearing prices* “These car washes aren’t expensive enough!” *drives away*

Manager: “I would’ve charged her more if she asked.”

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