Insuring A Happy Customer

, , , , | Working | April 29, 2021

My company used to have an optional insurance benefit provided by a vendor where my company would pay the rather small premium on the insurance for you. For some reason, the timing of payments got out of whack with the bills for me. Some months would see no payments and would get a bill from the insurer which I would ignore because, yes, the next month would show the payment. Less frequently, the opposite would happen and my company would pay twice in a month so I would receive a statement of overpayment. Maybe it was because, at the time, my company ran payroll and things on an every-two-week cycle which didn’t match the monthly billing cycle.

Eventually, I canceled from the program but they showed I owed one last payment. I called them and the very helpful lady told me:

Lady: “Hmmm, it looks like there is still a balance of $[small amount] on your account. Let me check. Well, it looks like you can either pay that amount or choose not to.”

Me: “Really?”

Lady: “Yup!”

Me: “Well, hmmm, choices, choices. I choose to not pay!”

And we both had a good laugh about it.

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What The Duke?!

, , , , , , | Related | April 29, 2021

I’m about five, and I’m in the car with my grandparents heading to a forest. A very well-known family frequents the area. Whilst it’s an area Grandpa lived in for a long period of time, he can’t remember how to get there. We’re surrounded by trees, though, so we’re likely to be close. There’s someone in a swept-up land rover behind us.

Grandpa: “I’ll ask that man behind for directions.”

Granny: *Alarmed* “I don’t think that’s a good idea!”

Grandpa: “It’s fine. I must know him; I recognise his face!”

He does just that and approaches the land rover. Then, men in suits just appear from the trees and the surrounding area. Loads of them. Grandpa freezes. I ask Granny who they are and she says they’re security.

Security: “Sir, please return to your vehicle.”

Grandpa: “But we’re lost. We want to get to [Forest].”

Security: *Pauses* “You’re in the forest. Stay on this road and you’ll get to the car park.”

Grandpa: “Oh. Right. Okay.”

He gets back to the car and heads off. There’s a long stretch of silence.

Granny: *Imitating Grandpa* “‘I must know him; I recognise his face!'” *Crossly* “That was Prince Edward, you idiot!”

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But ConspiracyNut69 On An Online Forum Said It’s Fake!

, , , , , , | Right | April 28, 2021

My dad got his bachelor’s in industrial engineering from Cornell — on a full academic scholarship no less! — and his master’s in public health from Harvard, both in the 1970s. He has spent the last forty-four years of his life with his job being his biggest passion other than my mother, my sister, and me.

A year into the health crisis, and fully vaccinated, he goes to the grocery store for the first time in a year. Another customer walks in behind him, not properly masked.

Store Employee: “Sir, please pull your mask up.”

Other Customer: “Oh, that doesn’t matter.”

Store Manager: “Actually, sir, it’s our rules that you have to wear your mask properly.”

Other Customer: “I have my right to my beliefs!” *Blah blah* “First amendment!” *Blah blah* “You have no right to make me!”

My dad steps in.

Dad: “Actually, sir, you really should wear it as a matter of public health; it protects you but also everyone else. We need to protect both ourselves and each other with this going around.”

The customer whips around to face my dad and snarls.

Other Customer: “Oh, yeah?! Where’d you get your degree in public health?!”

Dad: “Harvard.”

The other customer stomps out of the store while the manager laughs. Dad approaches the manager.

Dad: “Sorry for losing you a customer.”

Store Manager: “Were you serious or just trolling a troll?”

Dad: “No, I really have a master’s in public health!”

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Quick! Write That Down!

, , , , | Romantic | April 28, 2021

My girlfriend and I are coming home after double-dating with one of our friends and we’re commenting on their relationship. The friends had a pretty big fight about when their anniversary was. We joke about the fact that we never remember when we met all the time and would never fly off the handle like that.

Me: “Babe, when is our anniversary?”

My girlfriend gives me a deer-in-headlights look.

Girlfriend: “Sometime in… May?”

Me: “Really? I thought it was sometime in September.”

Girlfriend: “Crap. There has to be a way to figure this out, right?”

Me: “What movie did we see before we started dating? That will help.”

Girlfriend: “Were we together when The Avengers came out, or was it The Hobbit?”

Me: “Uhh, we saw the last Hobbit together, right?”

Girlfriend: “But we were together before that, so November?”

Me: “That doesn’t sound right.”

Girlfriend: “I know… Shoot, I know your birthday and you know mine. You know what? I know how to solve this.”

She walks into our spare room and comes out with our year calendar and the darts from the dartboard.

Girlfriend: “All right, I’m going to throw a dart and whatever day it lands on is our anniversary.”

Me: “Sounds fair enough.”

She throws a dart and then goes and looks at it and starts cracking up.

Me: “What date did it land on?”

Girlfriend: “TODAY!”

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Munchies Versus Upselling

, , , , | Right | April 28, 2021

The biggest thing we as employees have to do is upsell. Two guys come in, clearly stoned, and I can smell pot coming from them as soon as they walk in.

They look at the menu board and talk to each other for about five minutes before coming up to me.

Customer #1: “Can we get a small popcorn?”

Me: “Okay, one small popcorn. Just so you know, you can upgrade to a large for two dollars more and you get free refills on it.”

The two guys look at me for a few seconds and then at each other. 

Customer #2: “We’ll take two larges.”

My manager, who heard the whole thing, comes over to me with his jaw dropped.

Manager: “How the h*** did you do that?!”

That was how I ended up training all new employees on how to upsell!

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