Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward, Part 3

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 27, 2020

I’m at home. A friend is staying with me due to quarantine. While she is on Facebook, she tells me there is a new Ben and Jerry’s flavor called “Netflix and Chill.” I have been single for five years.

Me: “So I’ll finally be able to get some Netflix and chill!”

Friend: “It is peanut butter ice cream; you’re allergic to peanuts.”

Me: “Maybe I should start thinking about becoming a nun, since not even ice cream will let me have some Netflix and chill.”

Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward, Part 2
Leave It To Ben & Jerry To Make Things Awkward

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Time To Change Your Name And Move To Siberia

, , , , , , , | Working | July 24, 2020

Today at work, I was tidying up a basket of junk that was under my desk and I found a large, black paper number two that had been nicely cut out for an old display and not thrown away afterward.

I held it up to show my coworker and said, “I found a number two in my basket! Wait…”

Definitely gotta find a new job now. Can never go back there again. Nope. Definitely not.

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If Only Alice Or Rosalie Had Been So Kind

, , , , , | Related | July 24, 2020

My sister is pregnant with her first child and the subject of names comes up. I’m using fake names, but the real ones are similarly bad together.

Sister: “We were thinking we’d name him after his grandfathers, Leonardo and Harold, so Leonaharold.”

Me: “Not Leonardo Harold?”

Sister: “No, one word — Leonaharold. “

Me: *Faking excitement* “Oh! Just like Renesmee! From the Twilight books!”

Sister: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s exactly how they named Renesmee! You’re going to have a little Twilight baby!”

Sister: “That’s not why I’m naming him that!”

The next couple of times I talked with her, I asked how my little “Twilight” nephew or my little Renesmee nephew was doing. By the time he was born, she had decided that maybe Leonardo Harold was a better choice after all. Your aunt’s looking out for you, kid.

This story is part of our July 2020 Roundup – the best stories of the month!

Read the next July 2020 Roundup story!

Read the July 2020 Roundup!

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All Signs Point To Confusion

, , , , , | Friendly | July 23, 2020

My grandfather, who passed many years ago, loved to tell this story. When he was younger, road signs were not always easy to find. One day, he and a bunch of friends went to Canada on a whim, staying long enough that it was dark when they left.

They got turned around until they finally found a sign… that was too high up to show in the headlights. So, they got the sign down and held it in front of the car.

Success! It read, “New York,” with a distance and an arrow.

Of course, they then started arguing about which way the arrow had been pointing when it was up.

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What A Deal!

, , , , | Legal | July 20, 2020

The police department of my small town has a huge shakeup after several justifiable complaints come to light about the illegal activity being committed by several officers and the Chief of Police. They are finally replaced with mostly good people who work hard to regain the trust of the town and who at least have a good sense of humor.

About six months after it happens, one of the new officers comes through the drive-thru window of the gas station where I am working.

Me: “Hey there, what can I get for you today?”

Officer: “I’ll take three packs of [Cigarettes] and a can of [Dip].”

Me: “That’ll be around [amount]; let me go grab those for you.”

I grab them and come back to begin ringing him up.

Officer: “You know, I see you in here just about every day. You’re always having to ask us what you can do for us, so let’s turn the tables. What can I get for you?”

Me: “Five million dollars in small, unmarked, non-sequential bills, please.”

He is clearly not expecting that quick answer, because he bursts out laughing at once as he pays for his items.

Officer: “That’s a good one! Okay, deal. Can I slip you a few ink packets with that?”

Me: “God have mercy on your soul if I find an ink packet in there. You have a safe day.”

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