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There And Back Again: An I Don’t Work Here Tale

, , , , , , , , , , | Healthy | CREDIT: omgdoogface | November 26, 2022

About five years ago, my girlfriend was in the ICU of one of the largest hospitals in Sydney, Australia. It was a stressful time for me, but she’s all good now.

I was walking back from one of the hospital’s cafes to see my girlfriend when I was stopped in the corridor by a lady in her sixties.

Lady: *Politely* “Can you take me to the cardio ward?”

Me: “I don’t work here, but reception is that way, and I’m sure they can help you.”

Her Ladyship did not like this response.

Lady: “Don’t f*** around! I know you work here; take me there!”

Her sudden change in demeanour stunned me.

Lady: “Come along; I don’t have all day!”

I was wearing a full suit and tie combo as I had an unavoidable meeting later that day. Now, I like a navy suit as much as the next suave bloke, but the doctors in this hospital, when not in scrubs, mostly wore slacks and collared shirts.

Given the missus was a bit under the weather, I was sleep deprived, anxious, and had no patience for Her Ladyship being a jerk.

Me: “Okay, follow me.”

We started down the corridor, through some doors, and up a flight of stairs, her pacing grumpily behind me. I could see a sign ahead indicating that the cardio ward was to the right. So, unfortunately for Her Ladyship, left we went.

We went up lifts, down lifts, up stairs, and down again. A full ten minutes into our Royal Prince Alfred Hospital Tour, it must have occurred to her that I had no idea where I was going. A porter with a gurney stepped out of a side door and she immediately accosted him.

Lady: “Your staff member here is wasting my time!”

It was almost comedic the way he looked down at her, up at me, down at her, and then up at me. 

Porter: “Did you tell this lady you work here?”

Me: *Smiling* “No, mate, literally the opposite.”

The porter frowned.

Porter: “Where ya headed, luv?”

By now, she was quite exasperated.

Lady: “What is wrong with you people?! He should have taken me to the cardio ward. And don’t ‘luv’ me!”

The porter, trying to hide his smile, told her to follow him, and off they went. I overheard her grumble something about “staff complaint” as they left. Gosh only knows what my write-up would have said about me.

I hurried back to the ICU ward, happily armed with a humorous story to cheer up my girlfriend.

That’s One Hot Potato

, , , , , | Working | November 25, 2022

The logistics department forgets to unplug a forklift during a stormy night. When we arrive in the workshop; there is a smell of gas and sulphur because of the hydrocarbons. Because of the smell and the risk of explosion or fire, we have to evacuate.

[Coworker 1] has just arrived (slightly late).

Coworker #1: “Oh, it smells like tartiflette.”

Tartiflette is a dish with potatoes, pork fat, and onions, among other ingredients.

Coworker #2: “Uh, it’s a gas smell. Don’t come in.”

Coworker #1: “But it really smells like tartiflette.”

Me: “It would be nice if someone would play a joke on us and prepare a surprise tartiflette party, but that’s not the case here.”

Coworker #1: “Not a surprise tartiflette party — more like if our supervisors wanted to make a tartiflette without us.”

Coworker #3: “[Executive Secretary] has just informed us that [Boss] has called the fire department to check the security of the place. They’re on their way. If it’s just to hide the fact that they’ve been eating tartiflette on the sly, the firefighters will appreciate it.”

Coworker #1: “But—”

Coworker #2: “I know you love tartiflette, but either you stay outside and if you’re right you miss a tartiflette and if you’re wrong you stay alive, or you go back in and you’re right and you get a tartiflette or you’re wrong and you risk dying.”

Fortunately, [Coworker #1] finally decided to stay out and stay alive. When we got back to the workplace, she found that there was no tartiflette. So, remember, your life is worth more than the possibility of having tartiflette.

No Brains, No Brawn

, , , , , , | Learning | November 25, 2022

I was volunteering for a middle school robotics competition. After it had finished, some of us stuck around to help them pack up everything, including lugging the heavy tables the robots competed on to storage. One of my fellow judges showed up to help.

Judge: “I heard you needed some dumb muscle, so here I am.”

Me: “Thanks. I’d appreciate it.”

Judge: “Just to warn you, I don’t have that much actual muscle, but I’m extra dumb, so it evens out.”

This Is NOT The Museum You Think It’s Going To Be

, , , , , , , , | Right | November 25, 2022

I’m a freelance graphic designer. I am helping a small bed and breakfast in a touristy part of central London create a pamphlet for their guests. Along with information about the B&B, it also contains a small map showing local attractions. One of them I am familiar with: the Foundling Museum, which is about the history of abandoned children in London and what charity did to help them.

It is a hand-drawn map, with spellings provided by the client. I call them up to discuss the final touches before it’s sent to the printers. The client has been brusque and arrogant during most of our interactions and does not like to be challenged.

Me: “Are you sure you want this to go to print like this?”

Client: “Yes! Stop questioning me.”

Me: “It’s just that you have the Foundling Museum as a local attraction here.”

Client: “Yes! It’s an important part of the local history!”

Me: “Yes, of course. It’s just that you’ve forgotten to add the ‘U’ in ‘Foundling.'”

I hear the client aggressively click on their mouse and type something on their keyboard. And then silence. Noticeably prolonged silence.

Client: “F***.” *Click*

A revised version of the map was sent a few minutes later.

Problem Solved… Thankfully

, , , , | Right | November 24, 2022

Customer: “I’m only having a few people over for Thanksgiving. I don’t need a whole turkey. I just want two wings, two thighs, two drumsticks, and one breast.”

Me: “Congratulations! You just built yourself a turkey!”

Customer: “I did… Yeah… Can I change my order to one whole turkey?”