You Can Get Coke, Sprite, Or Romantic Wine For Two

, , , | Right | July 21, 2021

My friend and I are in a convenience store relatively late as he’s feeling peckish and fancies a sandwich. After getting his sandwich and a bag of crisps, he heads to the counter to pay.

Cashier: “Would you like to get a drink?”

Friend: “Oh, sorry, I’m taken.”

Cashier: “It’s part of the meal deal.”

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All Together Now: “No, Thank You. I’m Not Interested.”

, , , , | Working | July 20, 2021

The best way to handle cold-calling is to be honest, polite, and straight to the point. Don’t pretend you’re interested and don’t make up a story. Just, “No, thank you. I’m not interested,” and repeat until they get the idea. I find being totally emotionless really helps.

I get a knock on my door out of the blue and find a young guy in a badly fitted suit standing there.

Me: “Hi. Can I help you?”

Salesman: “No, but I can help you! You see, we are having a special limited-time offer.”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Salesman: “Hold on now. I haven’t even told you what I’m offe—”

Me: “No, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Salesman: “Come on, you never know what you’re missing out on.”

Me: “The sign says no cold-calling. So, no, thank you. I’m not interested.”

Salesman:  “Can I at least leave you a brochure?”

Me: “…”

Salesman: *Sighs* “No, thank you, you’re not interested?”

Me: “You got it. Better luck at the next house.”

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Growing Your Garden Of Love

, , , , , , | Working | July 20, 2021

It’s a few minutes before four when my supervisor turns to me. 

Supervisor: “Can you cover [Coworker] in gardening for her break?”

Me: “Actually, I’m out now.”

Supervisor: “Oh! What was your shift today?”

Me: “Ten to four.”

Supervisor: “Can you stay?”

Me: “Well, my husband just got home today and I haven’t seen him all week—”

Supervisor: “GIRL, GO.”

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Zombies Need Bank Accounts, Too

, , , , | Right | July 19, 2021

Me: “Good afternoon, thank you for calling [Bank]. This is [My Name]. Whom do I have the pleasure of helping today?”

Customer: “Hi, I’m [Customer], and I’m just calling to see if you all think I’m dead.”

Me: “Um… What?”

Customer: “I just want to make sure that you all don’t think I’m dead. You see, I recently had an issue with [Different Bank], and when I went in to resolve it, they informed me that I’m dead. But I’m not and I want to make sure you guys don’t think that, as well.”

Me: *Trying not to laugh* “Well, you sound very alive to me, but let me check your account.” *Checks the account* “Looks like we have you listed as alive and well!”

Customer: “Oh, good. You know, my mortgage is with [Different Bank], and if they’re saying I’m dead, then I shouldn’t have to pay on it anymore!” *Laughs*

Me: *Laughing with the customer* “It’s definitely strange that they think you’re dead.”

Customer: “Really is. You know… I should be careful. If everyone thinks I’m dead, my wife might just attach some cinder blocks to my feet, toss me in the river, and make it official!”

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Staying At The NO-tel 

, , , , , | Right | July 19, 2021

Me: “Hello, [Motel], how can I help you?”

Guest: “Hi, this is [Guest].”

Me: “Ah! Yes, hello.”

Guest: “We talked last night.”

I remember that I did take his reservation last night.

Me: “Ah, yes?”

Guest: “I was wondering if you could come by?”

Me: *Hoping I misheard* “Excuse me?”

Guest: “I was wondering if you could come by my motel room?”

Me: *Louder* “Excuse me?”

He hung up. He, uh… got a very wrong number. My only regret is that I didn’t get a hold of myself quick enough to tell him that we don’t allow visitors.

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