An American customer frantically comes up to me.

Customer: “Help! I can’t find the eggplants!”

Me: “They’re right here, madam.”

Customer: “No, those are aborigines.”

Me: *Blinking* “They’re… aborigines?”

Customer: “Yes, see!” *Points to the name* “I need eggplants!”

Me: “Ah, I see. These are aubergines. They’re the same thing as eggplants.”

Customer: “However you pronounce it, I still don’t see you getting me my eggplants!”

Me: “Of course, madam.”

I take a pack of aubergines to the back room, grab a sheet of cheap stickers, and write “EGGPLANTS” in blatant marker on them, stick them over the label, and bring them back to the customer.

Me: “They must have got hidden in the back.”

Customer: “Hmph! Next time, just get me what I ask for the first time! Don’t try to give me the Australian version!”

My husband and I recently set up our new bed, including a new bed frame. Our old frame was wooden, while this one is metal, and we have both been stubbing or catching our toes on the edges of the frame.

Hubby: “I have an idea about what to do about the new bed frame! We could get rubber caps to put on the feet…”

Me: “…which would protect both our toes and the floor. Good idea, honey!”

Hubby: “Then, we could wrap the legs and the edges of the frame in yarn! Lots of yarn!”

Me: *Stares in wife*

Hubby: “No? Bad idea?”

Me: “Sweetie, stop and think about what Otis would do to that for a moment.”

Hubby: “Right! We have cats!”

I used to be a cashier at a chain pet store. One day, a man came in and purchased our coupon booklet along with pretty much everything you need when you first get a dog. He came to my register and started unloading everything.

I noticed that my manager was hanging around nearby, but I didn’t know why until the man got closer. A smell followed him that was unlike anything I’d ever known. I stepped back before realizing I had nowhere to go, so I stepped forward again.

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Man: *Smiling lazily* “Good, good. How are you?”

Me: “Can’t complain. Do you have a store card?”

Man: “Nah, but I got a puppy.” *Gestures at his purchases* “See? I’m all set up.”

Me: “Oh, that’s great! What kind?”

Man: “A, uhh… I don’t know. A mixed kind.”

Me: “How nice. Mixed breeds are often the best of whatever breeds they are.”

Man: “Nice. Nice.”

I kept scanning his items in silence, watching him sway and stare into space. I made eye contact with my manager, who gave me the “Okay?” sign with her hand. I gave a slight shrug and nodded.

Me: “Okay, your total is [hundreds of dollars].”

Man: “Okay, I have a card here.”

He tried to hand me his card but dropped it.

Man: “Whoops! Butterfingers.”

Me: “No worries; it happens.”

I slid his card for him, even though the card reader was facing him.

Me: “Just follow the prompts there and you’re good to go! Have a great day, and congratulations on your new dog!”

Man: “Thanks, man!”

My manager came over, barely holding in her laughter.

Me: “What?”

Manager: “You didn’t smell him?”

Me: “Yeah… I guess?”

Manager: “He was high as a kite! I’m surprised you’re not feeling anything.”

I had never smelled marijuana before.

Me: “Oh. I think I’m good?”

Manager: “All right, well, if you get hungry or start giggling, just let me know.”

I didn’t feel anything from the visit, but I did come in a few days later to find that the entire purchase had been returned. Apparently, the man came back down and realized he didn’t even have a dog.

A client sent an (exceptionally) rude Word Doc outlining the “psychic” website she wanted to start. It contained comments like, “I know you’ll have trouble understanding this,” “Don’t question me; I know it’s going to work,” and best of all, “I know you have nothing going on in your life. See this as an opportunity to finally do something useful.”

After I sent her my quote…

Client: “That was a lot more than I was expecting to pay.”

Me: “I thought you were psychic.”

This story is part of our ‘Clients From Hell’ roundup!

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Read the roundup!

I’m working in a hotel when I get this call.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hotel] in [City]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “You guys have no channels I want to watch!”

Me: “I’m so sorry about that, ma’am. We did recently get rid of a few channels because they were unused the most. May I know what room you’re in and what channels you were looking for?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m in room 203. I want to watch [channel #1] and [channel #2], but you don’t have either!”

I look up her room number.

Me: “Um, ma’am, I don’t have you in that room. Are you sure you’re in that room?”

Caller: “Yes! I’m in that room; you gave me the keys. I just wanted to relax and watch a movie, but you don’t have the channels I’m looking for! Do you have a TV channel list?”

I desperately look at my coworker for spiritual guidance. She looks just as confused.

Me: “Well, like I said, ma’am, we did get rid of some channels due to them not being watched the most. Unfortunately, I don’t have a list at the moment because the change is new. Also, the room number you gave me doesn’t have anyone in it. I also looked up your last name, and we don’t have you checking in until tomorrow.”

Caller: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. I checked into 203. You gave me the keys. It seems like your problem.”

Me: “So, you’re in the [Hotel] in [City] right now?”

Five seconds of silence pass. I think she is going to blow up on me.

But the caller BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. She’s laughing so hard she can’t speak.

Me: “You’re not in [City] are you?”

Caller: “No! I’m in [Whole Other State]!”

Me: “Oh my, God. You’re venting at the wrong front desk agent lady!”

Caller: “You are so right. I’m so sorry. I’ve gotten my days all mixed up!”

After that, we shared a few funny hotel stories. I offered to look at the channels we did have so she wouldn’t be surprised when she arrived. She declined that, saying she needed a nap, instead. When she arrived the next day, we had a good laugh about it. I never did find out if she found the channels she was looking for.