I work for a superstore. I’m at the customer service desk and take a customer call.

Caller: “I want a refund! Your ‘Sharpie’ eyeliner won’t come off!”

Me: “What brand of eyeliner was that?”

Caller: “Sharpie! You need to take care of this! I’ll be in the store in thirty minutes, and it had better be fixed!” *Click*

I tell a coworker, who is curious since I look so confused.

Coworker: “Wow. I was about to go on break, but I want to wait half an hour to see if she really comes in with black Sharpie all over her face.”

Sadly… she did.

I’m doing some grocery shopping and it is hot as heck. The store has some AC, but staff have also put some fans out on the shop floor to keep the air circulating.

A shopper walks up to one of the fans, lifts up her dress, and starts cooling her very, VERY sweaty body against the industrial-strength fan. Flicks of her sweat start spraying along the aisle and some of the items. An older woman shopper is caught in the crossfire.

Older Woman Shopper: “How disrespectful! Go get a cold shower; don’t be the cold shower!”

Sweaty Customer: “F*** off, you old b****. It’s a hundred degrees!”

Older Woman Shopper: “And? It’s the same temperature for you as it is for the rest of us! You don’t see anyone else spraying their s*** all over the store!”

Sweaty Customer: “God wasted a good opportunity not to kill you in this heatwave!”

Older Woman Shopper: “God wasted a good a**hole when he put teeth in your mouth!”

I snorted loudly. So did a staff member who came by to intervene. The argument was over. The heatwave had caused its best burn.

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I worked in a clothing store with a guy I’ll call Clive. Clive was, without a doubt, the stupidest fellow I have ever (or hopefully ever will) met. He was once tasked with placing sales stickers on some clothes, and then he proceeded to place them inside the clothes. When asked why?

Clive: “So they wouldn’t fall off.”

Us: “But they’re stickers. Their sole intention is to not fall off.”

Clive: “But they fall off all the time.”

When we checked his work, we realised he actually hadn’t been peeling the stickers off to reveal the sticky backs. He had just been tearing them off and hoping for the best. For weeks after the sale, we kept finding random torn sales stickers falling out of stock with exclamations like, “Clive strikes again!” and the like.

When it was time for the next sale, my boss decided Clive would not be involved. At the beginning of the sales planning meeting, he gathered the staff and started with:

Boss: “The plan for the sale is simple, like Clive. But unlike Clive, the plan just might work.”

A lady comes in right before closing.

Customer: “I want a large mango smoothie.”

I go to ring her up, and whaddya know, she has a coupon for a free small smoothie.

Me: “Since you ordered a large, I will need to add an upcharge.”

Customer: “I don’t have any money on me.”

I just think, “Fine, whatever, take the d*** smoothie.”

She comes back inside about a minute later with mango smoothie all over her arm and a half-empty cup in her hand. She spilled it all over her BMW seat.

Customer: *Screaming* “Why didn’t you put the smoothie in a bag?!”

There is still half left, so I pour it into a small cup and hand it to her.

Me: “Well, that’s the size that was free, so you’re good to go!”

She got so mad about that! She continued to yell and then said she was going to sue me and the store for damages.

That hasn’t happened yet.

I was at work, and I wanted to ask one of our site ops to send me some documents. I started texting him, but before I finished writing the text, I realised I’d left the S off of the beginning of “send”.

I went back to correct it but my fat fingers accidentally hit the button to send the message by mistake. The poor guy just got the message:

Me: “Hi, Steve, please could you end me”