A customer checks out and buys three candies for a dollar. I start serving the next customer, but then he comes back holding his receipt.

Customer: “Excuse me, but why are two candy bars $0.33 and one $0.34?”

Me: “That’s how they ring up with the deal — three for a dollar.”

Customer: “But they should all be the same price.”

Me: “If they were all $0.33, then it would be $0.99 cents, not a dollar. It’s just how the system counts them when applying the deal.”

Customer: “No! They should all be the same price!”

Me: “What price should they be?”

Customer: “A third of a dollar!”

Me: “Which is what?”

Customer: “Well… it’s…”

He starts doing the mental math as I finish checking out the next customer. The first customer slowly realizes that you can’t evenly split a dollar into even thirds using just pennies.

Customer: “Oh, my God! You should have just told me! I swear I’m not the dumbest person on the planet.”

I’m about to reassure him before the next customer speaks up:

Next Customer: “You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but you’d sure better hope he doesn’t die.”

I filed that under my list of things I can’t say to customers but wish I could…

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I work in a restaurant, and we get a call asking for a manager. That’s not always a good sign, but okay. I answer the phone and this guy is in a panic.

Caller: “My wife and I come in a lot, and I know this is going to sound weird…”

Okay, I’m thinking this is going to be really bad.

Caller: “I’m at [Paint Store], and my wife loves the color of your patio doors. Can you please send the paint guy a few pictures? I can’t remember exactly what they look like, but I told her I got it!”

I’m on the verge of just cracking up.

Me: “Of course!”

He gave me the number, and I snapped a few pictures and sent them off. Just the quaver and desperation in his voice told me I had to help him out. That’s definitely a first for me.

I work for a superstore. I’m at the customer service desk and take a customer call.

Caller: “I want a refund! Your ‘Sharpie’ eyeliner won’t come off!”

Me: “What brand of eyeliner was that?”

Caller: “Sharpie! You need to take care of this! I’ll be in the store in thirty minutes, and it had better be fixed!” *Click*

I tell a coworker, who is curious since I look so confused.

Coworker: “Wow. I was about to go on break, but I want to wait half an hour to see if she really comes in with black Sharpie all over her face.”

Sadly… she did.

I’m doing some grocery shopping and it is hot as heck. The store has some AC, but staff have also put some fans out on the shop floor to keep the air circulating.

A shopper walks up to one of the fans, lifts up her dress, and starts cooling her very, VERY sweaty body against the industrial-strength fan. Flicks of her sweat start spraying along the aisle and some of the items. An older woman shopper is caught in the crossfire.

Older Woman Shopper: “How disrespectful! Go get a cold shower; don’t be the cold shower!”

Sweaty Customer: “F*** off, you old b****. It’s a hundred degrees!”

Older Woman Shopper: “And? It’s the same temperature for you as it is for the rest of us! You don’t see anyone else spraying their s*** all over the store!”

Sweaty Customer: “God wasted a good opportunity not to kill you in this heatwave!”

Older Woman Shopper: “God wasted a good a**hole when he put teeth in your mouth!”

I snorted loudly. So did a staff member who came by to intervene. The argument was over. The heatwave had caused its best burn.

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I worked in a clothing store with a guy I’ll call Clive. Clive was, without a doubt, the stupidest fellow I have ever (or hopefully ever will) met. He was once tasked with placing sales stickers on some clothes, and then he proceeded to place them inside the clothes. When asked why?

Clive: “So they wouldn’t fall off.”

Us: “But they’re stickers. Their sole intention is to not fall off.”

Clive: “But they fall off all the time.”

When we checked his work, we realised he actually hadn’t been peeling the stickers off to reveal the sticky backs. He had just been tearing them off and hoping for the best. For weeks after the sale, we kept finding random torn sales stickers falling out of stock with exclamations like, “Clive strikes again!” and the like.

When it was time for the next sale, my boss decided Clive would not be involved. At the beginning of the sales planning meeting, he gathered the staff and started with:

Boss: “The plan for the sale is simple, like Clive. But unlike Clive, the plan just might work.”