I’m sitting on the floor in the back room sorting stock while listening to a coworker serving a customer.

Customer: “I want two cups of black coffee and one with milk.”

Coworker: “So, a cup of black coffee and a black coffee with milk?”

Customer: “No. I want two cups of black coffee, and one with milk.”

Coworker: “Yes? A black coffee without anything and a black coffee with milk.”

Customer: “I… No. Two cups of black coffee and one with milk.”

I can’t take it anymore, so I stick my head out of the door.

Me: “[Coworker], he wants three cups of coffee in total.”

Customer: “Thank you!”

My daughter and I are at an event that has brought in horses dressed up as unicorns. We are waiting our turn in line when I overhear a mom talking to her child.

Children: *Crying* “I don’t want to see the unicorns!”

Mom: “Honey, it’s okay! Remember unicorns are make-believe? It’s not an actual unicorn. It’s just a cow dressed up as one.”

I work in a police station. A deputy comes into the office.

Deputy: “Do you have any spare hats?”

Me: “Probably not; they need to be ordered in. Why?”

Deputy: “Somebody crapped in mine.”

Me: *Laughing* “What?! Please explain to me what set of circumstances led up to that.”

Deputy: “While I was driving, I saw somebody badly hungover. I pulled over to check on him. He was a student, so I offered him a lift back to his dorm. He got into the cruiser and sat on the hat, and something didn’t smell right.”

Me: “No…?”

Deputy: “He was so hammered that he had already crapped his pants.”

Me: “What did you do?”

Deputy: “I kicked him out of the SUV, told him to make his own way home, and threw the hat in the dumpster. Then I came here looking for a spare one.”

Me: “Bad luck, deputy. I’ll order one in, but you may do without or borrow until then.”

Deputy: “Better than wearing somebody’s s*** on my head.”

The deputy managed without a stetson for the next week.

I frequent a kiosk at the train station to get a coffee, muffin, or cookie, mostly because of the girl working there. I’m female myself, and she is the most mesmerizing fairy I’ve ever encountered in my life.

She has asymmetrical bright red hair and several facial piercings, and she somehow makes the stupid work outfit look good. She’s also cheerful and patient with every single person she encounters and works really fast when she sees people in a hurry to catch a train.

I once even saw her catch a butterfly that was fluttering around the coffee machine in her hands and take it outside, mumbling:

Fairy Girl: “Now, now, little friend, don’t worry. I’ll take you to a place where there’s so much more room for you.”

In other words, I am utterly infatuated with this wonderful creature. One day when there are at least ten other people around, I manage to blurt out:

Me: “You’re very beautiful!”

I clap both hands over my mouth, and she turns a very adorable shade of red, not quite matching her hair.

Fairy Girl: “Um… Th… thank you so much. I’ve always thought you are very um… really nice, too, and um…”

We just stare into each other’s eyes for a couple of seconds, while other people in line sigh around us with little red hearts in their eyes… except for one lady.

Lady: “Eww! You disgusting [lesbian slur]!”

Me: “Oh, don’t worry, ma’am. I’d never let anyone like you get anywhere near me.”

Silence.

Fairy Girl: “Please may I have your phone number?”

We’re going on our first date next week!

This story is part of our Even-More-Highest-Voted-Stories-Of-2023-(so far!) roundup!

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My husband and I have acquired a small menagerie, taking in any furry people who need our help. When a friend had to move into an assisted living facility, we offered to take in his dog, Bromey. Bromey is a husky mix that our friend adopted from the pound, so we don’t know anything about his first few years. He came to us a happy and mellow pup with one unusual trait: he never barked. He would grumble and growl when play-fighting with our pit mix, Geordi, and he would softly “woof” in his sleep when dreaming, but for almost three years, we had never heard a single full-throated bark.

He soon settled into the household and could usually be found snoozing in our bedroom. For some reason, the spot under our bed (a tight fit for either dog) was always the preferred nap spot.

One lazy afternoon, I was reading with Geordi snoring under the bed. Bromey wandered in, stood in the doorway for a moment, and then let out a single loud bark. The sound had me jumping up to check on him as the brown hound emerged from beneath my side of the bed to investigate. Surely it must be serious if our silent boy was barking.

Geordi and I finally untangled ourselves and stepped around the foot of the bed to see Bromey’s wagging tail disappearing under my husband’s side of the bed as he settled into the “best” nap spot. Clever boy.

It’s been over a year since Bro found his bark — and I do mean a single bark. He remains a dog of few words but has now trained us to respond to his occasional commands, always delivered with one sharp bark and a grin.