My teenage son is idly playing with a length of rope.

Son: “I have a string! I can make scientific theory!”

Me: “Well, can you untie the knot in it before you theorize it into permanence?”

Son: *Play-threateningly* “Are you trying to stop scientific theory?! Do you know what we do to people who get in the way of science?!“

Me: “Canonize them?”

We rescued a new dog a few months ago. Then, the health crisis started, so my five-year-old son has been doing virtual school. At this point, they’re learning about sea animals in kindergarten, so he’s telling me about them during lunch.

Son: “Miss [Teacher] says that octopus have tentacles.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Son: “Eight of them! That’s more than dogs.”

Me: “Dogs don’t have tentacles.”

Son: “When we first got Bunbury, he had a tentacle.”

Me: “What?”

Son: “Yeah! A tentacle on his butt!”

I’m terrified.

Son: “So we took him to the dog doctor to get his tentacle removed.”

Me: “Do you mean testicles?”

Son: “Yeah!”

Me: “That’s… that’s a different type of body part, buddy.”

My younger brother gets his wisdom teeth out the year after I do. The anesthesia didn’t affect me all that much, but my brother needs a double dose and he’s so loopy afterward that he can’t even walk in a straight line. Despite this, he refuses to sit still or stop talking, pretty much acting like a happy drunk.

My mom and I finally get him to sit down to watch TV with an ice pack on his face and leave the rest of the family to make sure he doesn’t get up or do anything stupid.

Me: *To our mom* “And you complained about me being boring after getting my wisdom teeth out.”

Mom: “I take it back. I take it all back. I wish he was as boring as you.”

After he finally came down from the high, our mom told him that if he ever became an alcoholic or a druggie, she would immediately ship him off to rehab because she never wanted to repeat that experience.

I am at a week-long international tech workshop at a campus with an onsite cafe and no other eating within walking distance. We are all nerds but not completely without social skills, so about six of the guys decide to go to the cafe together and get to know each other. The international students want to practice their English, and there are French and Chinese students next to me trying to show off a bit.

Chinese Student: “Good afternoon, gentlemen. It is a pleasure to have lunch with you.”

French Student: “Very nice, but I want to sound cool like American movies. How would I greet a friend?”

Me: “Well, you could say, ‘hello,’ ‘hi,’ or, ‘hey,’ before their name.” 

Chinese Student: “‘Hey’ does sound cool.”

The server comes up right then.

Server: “Hi! My name is Macarena. What can I get you guys today?”

The French student speaks enthusiastically with their song-like French accent.

French Student: “Hey, Macarena!”

The server does not look pleased, the French student is confused, and the Chinese student is laughing so hard he is having trouble talking.

Chinese Student: *To me* “You did not tell him the rules!”

Me: *To [French Student]* “You can say, ‘hey,’ to any of your friends… unless her name is Macarena.”

French Student: “Why?”

The Chinese student started doing the dance, and even Macarena started laughing at how ridiculous it was. For the rest of the week, the French student greeted her with, “Helllloooo, Macarena!” while she stared at him before laughing.

My dad is battling cancer and needs surgery. My sister and I are waiting for him in the recovery room, and of course, our nerves are already on edge.

As we are waiting for our dad to wake up, we hear the elderly little lady in the recovery suite next door, bless her heart, break out with this:

Elderly Lady: “Wow! Anesthesia is so great! I can see why people like anesthesia! You know, like Michael Jackson and them people!”

We tried so very hard not to crack up.