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As For Breaking The Law OUTSIDE Of Work…

, , , , | Right | June 29, 2022

I work as a janitor in a shopping mall. It’s a decent enough job, and every now and again, people passing by really make my day — though most often it tends to be kids. One of my favourite moments was when I was using a floor scrubber machine, one of those big ones you sit on. A kid, probably five or so, walked up to me with a deadly serious expression on their face and proceeded to drop the best icebreaker ever.

Kid: *Pointing at the floor scrubber* “Could you get away from the cops with that?”

Me: *Stifling laughter* “No, not quite. It doesn’t move very fast.”

Kid: *Nodding, still looking very serious* “Uh-huh. So, don’t get caught if you do something bad, then.”

Me: “I’ll just try to not break the law at work.”

Kid: *Flashing me a smile* “Good. Okay, bye now!”

And off they went, running to their mom. Made my day.

Not Being Very Fur-tive

, , , , , , | Right | June 29, 2022

I am attending one of the largest furry conventions. When I first arrive and am still in the process of getting everyone signed in and organized, I overhear a woman in the lobby loudly complaining.

Guest: “I don’t approve of there being a furry convention at the same place I am staying! Whoever arranged my stay should have checked with me for something like this! I tell you, I’ll have someone’s head for this when we get back!”

Me: “Oh, here. How about mine?”

I then promptly took the head off of my fursuit and offered it to the woman.

She was less than amused by this generous offer and stormed off.

You’re Never Too Old To Play Pretend

, , , , , | Romantic | June 29, 2022

My husband and I are playing checkers. He has only ever played one or two games of it before, while I played quite a bit when I was younger, but I haven’t for many years. As with most games, he is a far better strategist than I am.

I have five pieces left, none kings. He has two kings, and he also has the four pieces on the end row of his board, which he has stubbornly refused to move for the entire game. There is only one more move I can make, and then I will have no more possible moves and will have to forfeit. Suddenly, I have a ridiculous idea.

I king one of my own pieces.

Me: “This guy declares a coup and seizes control!”

Now that my piece is a “king,” it is able to move backward, and I capture one of my husband’s kings.

Husband: “Hang on. I’m really intrigued and want to see how this pans out, but can we at least agree that I officially won?”

I readily agree, since I blatantly lost anyway.

Husband: “Okay, then. My remaining king is… rather startled by this new development.”

He moves his remaining king backward, away from mine. I follow. We repeat this for a few turns until I protest that I’m just going to end up chasing him until we’re both tired of it.

Husband: “Not if one of us does something stupid.”

Me: “Fine. This other piece announces that the new leader is ineffective and declares his own coup.”  

I king another piece and am able to take his remaining king. This leaves him only the four end pieces. He tries to protest that with two leaders, my army would collapse, but he had two kings before, didn’t he?

Husband: “All right, then, these guys decide to form a tetrarchy.”

He kings all of his remaining pieces.

Me: “Fine. My kings deputize everyone else, and they’ll sort out the oncoming Civil War later.”

I king all of my remaining pieces. I now have five kings to his four. He jumps over one of my kings, which should have been safe, since it was on the edge of the board.

Husband: “This guy goes off to explore and conquer new lands!”

Plainly, I am not going to win the contest of imagination, either. I pull the board out and say that if he’s going to find NEW lands, I’ll just steal THIS land!

Husband: “Ah, but all the pieces fell onto the table. And my guys have already colonized it, so all of your guys got captured.”

He arranged all of his pieces in a circle with mine in the middle. I made one doomed attempt at a “jailbreak,” but I had to admit I’d been beaten yet again.

But I ended up almost collapsing over the table from how hard I was laughing, and my husband was laughing really hard, too, so I think we both get to count it as a win.

A Potentially Toxic Recommendation

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 29, 2022

When I was growing up, there weren’t many kids my age whose company I enjoyed. At church, I usually ended up in the little library, which was frequented almost exclusively by elderly women. I befriended a few of them enough that one asked if I had any book recommendations.

After a few seconds of thought, I gave her the title and author of a creative nonfiction book I’d recently finished and thoroughly enjoyed. She thought it sounded interesting, so she went and got a copy from her local library.

Two weeks later, she’d finished the book, so I asked her how she’d liked it.

Old Lady: “You know, it’s the funniest thing. When I started reading it, my husband gave me an odd look and asked if everything was all right. When my son saw me reading it, he pulled me aside to ask if everything was okay with me and my husband. My daughter-in-law wanted to know if everything was all right at home. And my granddaughter — she’s eleven — asked if everything was okay, as well!”

At that moment, I remembered that I’d recommended to her a book titled “The Poisoner’s Handbook.”

I wonder how much worry I inflicted on her family with a simple book recommendation.

Fly In The Face Of The Obvious

, , , , | Right | June 28, 2022

I work at our family deli and grocery store with my brother-in-law. Most of our customers are regulars and we know them well. This particular customer is a nanny down the street who comes in almost every day. She’s a very pleasant young woman. One day, she buys a bag of shredded cheese and returns with it a couple of hours later.

Customer: “Um, this bag of cheese has dead flies in it.”

Brother-In-Law: “Are you serious? That’s so weird. Let me take a look.”

He takes a look.

Brother-In-Law: “You know this is pepper jack, right? Those aren’t flies; it’s just the pepper in the cheese.”

Customer: “I mean, my boyfriend looked, too, and said they look like flies. It’s weird, because it was sealed and everything. How did they get in there?”

Brother-In-Law: “Probably because they’re not flies. It’s pieces of pepper. But if you want to take another bag, go for it.”

She goes to the fridge and looks at the other bags.

Customer: “They all have dead flies in them! You should send them back to the distributor and get your money back! They must have been contaminated at the factory.”

Brother-In-Law: “I’m quite sure there are no flies. [My Name], come over and take a look. Are these flies or pepper?”

I inspect the cheese carefully.

Me: “That’s definitely pepper. Flies would have wings and legs, right?”

Customer: “I don’t know, they really look like flies to me. Pepper would be black and really small.”

Brother-In-Law: “Well, pepper jack has flakes of pepper. It’s not ground pepper, so the pieces are bigger. It’s black, green, and red peppers. How about a different kind of cheese? Cheddar? Plain Jack? You can choose whichever one you like.”

Customer: “Nah, I really want pepper jack. Are you sure those aren’t flies?”

Brother-In-Law: “Yeah, I’m sure. But let’s empty it on the deli counter and double-check.”

We empty the entire contents of the bag and sift through it. It’s 100% pepper. We invite her to take another look. We’re all picking pieces up and looking carefully. We even eat a handful to make sure it tastes good. She just can’t be convinced.

Brother-In-Law: “I have sliced pepper jack I can give you and you can shred it at home if you’d like?”

Customer: “Can I just have my money back? That’s too much work.”

Brother-In-Law: “Sure, no problem. But I’m telling you, the cheese is fine! You’re missing out on the pepper jack you really want.”

Customer: “I know, I really wanted it, but I just cannot get over it looking like flies. I really think it’s flies. You should get your money back, too.”

She looks so confused and sad as she walks out of the store with her refund. My brother-in-law and I start laughing.

Brother-In-Law: “Dude, those were totally pepper flakes, right?”

Me: “Definitely! But whatever, I don’t think there was any way to convince her. I just feel bad for her because she really wanted that pepper jack.”

He told me she asked about a week later if he had a new batch of shredded pepper jack. He did, and she bought a bag. It was identical to the previous bags. The next time she came in, she said it was great and she was happy she finally got her pepper jack.