Me: “[Daughter], where did you leave your doll?”

Daughter: “I dismembered her.”

That’s the kid equivalent of “didn’t remember”.

When I was a little kid, my parents took me to a restaurant well known for making breakfast around lunchtime. My father decided on a steak while I stuck to breakfast stuff and got eggs.

Waitress: “And how do you want your steak cooked?”

Dad: “Well done.”

Waitress: *To me* “And what would you like, little man?”

Dad: “He wanted [meal choice].”

Waitress: “And how do you want your eggs done?”

Me: “Um… well done?”

All the adults laughed at me, which I felt quite indignant about.

Waitress: “Sorry, hun, but I’m not sure our chef knows how to do that.”

Me: “But Dad’s is well done. I want it as good as Dad’s!”

This got me another round of amused laughs before my mother came to my rescue and told the waitress how I liked my eggs and my father explained to me what a “well done” steak really meant.

This answered a question that had pestered me for a while whenever we went out to eat: who would want a poorly done steak?

I’m a manager, server, and bartender at a pub. I love it; I work with mostly great people and I love our regulars.

One day, I am bartending a full bar at night with a new girl who is only working part-time while she’s in high school. She’s running food. She comes from the back and approaches me.

New Girl: “[My Name], [Manager] wanted me to let you know we have exactly eighty-six spring rolls left.”

Right away, the “eighty-six” catches my ear and I know the message she is trying to convey.

Me: *In a friendly way* “He said we have exactly eighty-six left? Like, he counted and wanted me to know that?”

New Girl: “Yes, that’s exactly what he said.”

Me: “Can you just go back and double-check for me?”

I’m not being an a**hole; I say this with no attitude and with a smile. I realize she doesn’t know what the term “eighty-six” means, and we get along well, so I figure she’ll appreciate learning in a funny way.

New Girl: “Okay, sure!”

She goes back, and a minute later, she walks up to the bar with her head half down and a sheepish look on her face.

New Girl: “We are out of spring rolls.”

For those unaware, the term “eighty-six” means that a restaurant is completely out of an item. I just thought it was funny that to someone new, this meant that a manager really counted each spring roll and felt it urgent for me to know that there were only eighty-six left.

One night, my friends and I are prank-calling a famous televangelist’s donation line.

Friend: “Can I speak to [Televangelist’s First Name]?”

Operator: “Who?”

Friend: “[Televangelist’s Full Name].”

Operator: *Shocked* “Oh, no! No one is allowed to speak to him. I’m not even allowed to speak to him. Talking to [Televangelist] would be like talking to… talking to…”

Friend: “Talking to God?”

Operator: “No, like Dan Rather or someone.”

I’m the tech person in my family, not that I’m very skilled or have a degree, but I at least know how to look things up and usually can get stuff set up with minimal issues.

In this case, I’m setting up some speakers for my dad, so he can hear the TV in his chair without deafening the rest of us. It turns out the default connection cable that came with the system is not compatible with our TV, though the transmitter can also use the optical cable our TV needs. A quick trip to the tech store and I’m good to set it up!

Except the cable doesn’t fit.

I’m not sure what went wrong. I wrote down the kind of cable, the one I bought had a picture of the port it plugs into on it, and that port matches the ones on our TV and transmitter, but it will only go partway in. I go back to the tech store, and this time, I bring the transmitter with me to make sure I get the right cable.

The customer service people are very sympathetic. Before they decide if I can open packages in the store, they want to see if they can figure out what’s wrong with the cable I’m returning. The first words when the tech pulls it out of the box:

Tech: “Did you take the caps off?”

She proceeds to remove these little plastic domes from the ends of the cable — domes I thought were the ends of the cables. I stare for a couple of seconds.

Me: “Oh. I’m an idiot.”

They were very kind, reassured me that it happens all the time, and confirmed that, with the cap off, the wire did fit the transmitter. I thanked them for their help and went back home to hook up Dad’s speakers. My reputation as the in-house tech for my family may be shot, though.