When I am working checkout at my fast food restaurant, I will return customers’ credit cards to them by setting them on a square podium that’s used to swipe them so they end up right by them when I swing the screen around from them to sign and such.

One lady decides this is an offense of the highest order and yells at me for not placing her card directly in her hand.

Me: *Stupidly engaging* “Ma’am, I do this for everybody.”

Customer: “I am the customer, and good service is doing what I want!”

There were about a dozen people eating at our tables and five people in the line behind her, so she was straight hamming it up, making sure everyone saw her putting me in my place.

Unfortunately for her, the dramatic performance proved to be a bit too distracting, and she stormed out without her infant. This was, of course, noticed by pretty much everyone in the building since she had just made herself the center of attention. One of the customers even had to run after her and stop her from driving away.

On an unrelated note: there is no real subtle way to pick up a full-sized child carrier and storm out with any dignity.

I don’t remember my son’s age when this happened; he was old enough to use the restroom without help but not quite old enough for me to be completely comfortable with him being alone in a public restroom. Also relevant: at this time, we had been teaching him how to greet people, including giving handshakes.

We were at a restaurant, and [Son] needed to go to the restroom. The restaurant was family-friendly and mostly empty, so I let him go by himself.

As he came back to the table:

Son: “Mama! Mama! Mama!”

Me: “Yes, that’s me! I’m Mama!” *Sticking out my hand* “Nice to meet you!”

Son: *In a whiny voice* “Nooo, I…”

Me: “We’re shaking hands, remember? C’mon, give me a handshake, and then tell me what you want.”

He gave in and shook my hand.

Me: “Perfect! Now what did you want to tell me?”

Son: “Mama, I can’t reach the sink!”

It should go without saying that, yes, both of us washed our hands after that!

I am helping a group design a banner for an event they’re hosting. I have changed the name of the event to protect the innocent, but the spelling comes out the same.

Client: “Can you make the letters for each word of the event big and bold, and maybe have them go vertical down the side?”

Me: “I really think you don’t want to do that.”

Client: “Why not?”

Me: “Your event name is Churches United: Northwest Territories.”

Client: “So?”

I oblige and show her what that will look like.

Client: “Oh. Oh! Yes… Maybe you were right before.”

I have just gotten into my first accident as a driver. A pedestrian on a scooter ran into the road as I was turning and I wasn’t able to stop in time. I am freaking out, but luckily, the pedestrian is fine, just shaken up. I call emergency services, as you should when getting into an accident, and they show up quickly.

The fire chief arrives on the scene and walks over to me in my anxiety-riddled state.

Fire Chief: “Hey, how’re you doing?”

Me: “Honestly, not great!”

Fire Chief: “I understand. Do you remember me?”

Me: “Not at the moment.”

It turns out the fire chief is friends with my parents, who I called right after calling emergency services. They are on their way, and I am taking that time to calm down and talk to the police about what happened.

After almost everyone has cleared out and the pedestrian is taken away in an ambulance, my parents show up. In an effort to lighten my mood, I call out to my dad with a rather poor choice of words.

Me: “Hey, Dad! You’ll never guess who I ran into!”

I have two male customers that decide to dine and dash. I get their license plate number and report it to the cops, and I jokingly mention that they didn’t even tip!

Later that night, they get pulled over for DUI. The cops recognize their license plate number from the report, bring them both back to the restaurant, and force them to pay the bill! After they’re done paying, the cop just stands there.

Cop: “Well?”

The guys sheepishly handed me my tip.