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Fowl-Mouthed Accusations

, , , , , | Right | August 10, 2009

(I’m telling a group of visitors about the peacocks at our zoo. After I’ve finished, one of the visitors stops me.)

Visitor: “Young man, can I have a word with you?

Me: “Certainly, ma’am. How can I help you?

Visitor: “I don’t appreciate you using that kind of language in front of my children.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, I wasn’t aware I had.”

Visitor: “We prefer to call those birds over there pearoosters.”

Me: “Um, why?”

Visitor: “Because peacock is a bad word! I really don’t think you should be using that sort of language and those dirty words in front of small children!”


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No Moviegoer Left Behind

, , | Right | August 6, 2009

(At the box office where I work, the customers have a bad habit of not reading the marquees for the names of their movie. Here are a few of the better ones:)

Customer: “What’s Gadjicka about?” (Gothika)

Customer: “I’d like two tickets for El Scorpio.” (The Scorpion King)

Customer: “Is that Luxj movie any good?” (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, abbreviated as LXG)

Customer: “How dare you show a movie called School of C***?!” (School of Rock)

Customer: “Can I have three for Legally Blind 2?” (Legally Blonde 2)

(Best minimum wage job EVER.)

When Colloquialisms Meet Capitalism

, , , | Right | July 24, 2009

(I’ve just rung up a customer for cigarettes.)

Customer: “I’m gonna zip-zip it.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Zip-zip!”

Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

Customer: *getting annoyed* “I’m going to use my zip-zip card!”

Customer’s Daughter: “Zip-zip? Gosh, Mom! It’s a credit card.”

Me: “Oooh. You can slide that right over there.” *pointing to the card machine*

Customer: “Which button do I press? It’s asking me to pick payment type.”

Me: “…credit?”

I’ll Go Where He’s Going

, , , , | Right | July 10, 2009

(This is back when people booked holidays with travel agents. I run a hotline for the sole purpose of ordering holiday brochures.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Travel Agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

Me: “Pardon me?”

Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

(There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures.’ To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

He’s Got The Look

, , , | Right | June 23, 2009

Male Customer: “Excuse me, could I get some boyfriend jeans?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Male Customer: “You know, the baggy jeans – ‘boyfriend’ jeans.” *looks at me like I’m stupid*

Me: “You mean… normal jeans?”

Male Customer: *adamantly* “NO! My girlfriend calls them ‘boyfriend’ jeans.”

Me: “She’s female… for guys they’re just ‘jeans’…”

Male Customer: “Well, whatever they are, can you get me a pair?”