(My name is Molly. For as long as I can remember, I have always hated it. Passionately. One of the most annoying reasons is that as a child, whenever I was introduced to adults, they would sing “Good Golly, Miss Molly” at me. And they always thought they were the most funny and clever person for thinking to do it. One day, I’m at my favorite cafe and one of the waitresses who knows me spots me and smiles.)

Waitress: “Good Golly, Miss Molly… Sure like to ball!”

Me: “DON’T!”

Waitress: *still smiling* “Aw, why? It’s fun.”

Me: “I’m just soooo sick of it. Please, I know you’re trying to be funny and welcoming, but it’s just really grating on the nerves. You, of all people, should understand.”

Waitress: “What do you mean?”

Me: “You really expect me to believe that every Christmas customers don’t see your nametag and start singing your name at you?”

(She looks pensive and confused for a moment before I start singing…)

Me: “The First Noel, the angels did say…”

(The waitress’s eyes go wide with understanding. Her name is Noelle.)

Waitress: “Oh, God! Never again! I’m so, so sorry!”

(I work in a pretty large chain store. My coworker and I are chatting and the topic of names comes up. She says her parents have the same initials.)

Me: “Their relationship must be fate!”

Coworker: “They’re divorced…”

(A long-term client has just come in with their new dog. A few months ago they had to euthanize Birdie because of cancer and Bogey was lonely, so they got a new puppy that they haven’t named yet. They ask for ideas. I’m a high school student and both my coworker and the clients are both much older.)

Coworker: “Well, how about calling her Eagle? Keep the golf theme going.”

Client: “No, we want to avoid golf; too many memories of Birdie.”

Coworker: “So, no theme, then…”

Client: “I’d like a theme; I just can’t think of anything that goes with Bogey.”

Me: “Bacall.”

Client: “What?”

Me: “Bogey and Bacall — Humphrey and Lauren. Y’all were actually alive when those movies came out. You’ve seen them, right?”

Client: “I have, but when did you?”

Me: “My dad is a high school teacher, and for as long as I can remember, any time he made a reference in class that a student didn’t get he would come home and make sure I did. I also know who Fred and Ginger are.”

(Lauren — they decided Bacall didn’t fit — and Bogey got along great. And my coworker was happy to find someone to discuss old movies with.)

(I am a “mononym.” That is, I only have one legal name, which I tend to use as a surname.)

Caller: “Please could I have your first name?”

Me: “I don’t have a first name, only a surname: [My Name].”

Caller: *thinks for a second* “What about an initial?”

Me: “An initial? For a first name that I don’t have?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

(I work at a theme park. We rent out strollers, and we make everyone sign a waiver before renting them out, as they get a deposit back.)

Man: “I’m here to return our stroller.”

Me: “Excellent. What’s the name on the waiver?”

Man: “Sam.”

(I look through the waivers and find his stroller number, but the name on the waiver is Sanmanpreet, not Sam.)

Me: “Is it just Sam?”

Man: “Yes.”

Me: “On the waiver it says a different name.”

Man: “Sanman?”

Me: “Not that, either, sorry.”

Man: “It’s just a d*** name!”

Me: “It’s for security reasons, sir.”

Man: “You know what? Just take the d*** stroller! Forget it!”

(My coworkers and I believe someone else gave him the stroller — which happens: people sell the stroller once they’re done with it and then the person they sold it to will get to use the stroller for the rest of the day — and didn’t think to tell him their full name.)