This is how my morning begins.

Customer: “I got this the other day and they told me that I need to come back today to return this.”

Me: “Right. So, what are you returning, again?”

Customer: “I returned the phone already.”

Me: “Pardon, but I don’t think I’m understanding what you need.”

Customer: “The case! I need to return the case.”

Me: “All right. Do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, what’s the phone number associated with the account?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “All right. What’s the name associated with the account?”

Customer: “My name.”

Me: “So, what’s that?”

Customer: “[Jay][Mee] [Last Name].”

Me: “Mind spelling your first name, please?”

Customer: “J-I-A-M-E.”

Me: “Sorry, that’s not coming up.”

Customer: “J-A-M-E.”

Me: “What? Can I just see your ID?”

The customer handed me an ID, and it clearly stated “J-A-I-M-E.” I’ll never be getting those brain cells back. How is it that people cannot spell their own names?

My brother loves biking and is looking to earn some extra money, so he signs up for a food delivery app aimed at bicyclists. Another delivery app gets more orders but is intended for people with cars. He decides to sign up anyway and just bike the orders, but he has to use his girlfriend’s driver’s license to validate it as he doesn’t have one. When speaking with customers, he uses a masculine name one letter off — so a plausible typo — from her name, which is displayed on their screen. He often works both apps at the same time.

One day, my brother is delivering an order to an apartment building where he needs to be buzzed in. He calls the customer.

Brother: “Hi, this is [Brother] from [Delivery Service #1].”

Customer: “I didn’t order anything from [Delivery Service #1]?”

Brother: “Oops, I mean this is [Girlfriend’s Name Slightly Altered] from [Delivery Service #2].”

Customer: “…”

The customer still let him in, despite using two completely different names, neither of which was actually the name on the app!

I’m attending my first ever class on my first ever day of university, an 8:00 am general chemistry class. My professor makes some things very clear very quickly.

Professor: “My office is in [Building], but be careful asking for me by name! There’s another Doctor [His Last Name], and, naturally, his office is also in [Building]. He’s on the third floor with all the other biologists and I’m on the fourth with the other chemists. Remember, my first name is [First Name] and his is not. I repeat, my name is [First Name] and his is not, so just call me Doctor [First Name], instead.”

After this, he pauses before adding:

Professor: “One of us is good and one of us is evil, but I’ll let you figure out which of us is which on your own.”

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

This takes place at a call centre for a large insurance underwriter. I am dealing with inbound customer calls about home insurance

Me: “Good afternoon, welcome to [Insurance Company]. You’re speaking to [My Name]. Could I take your name, please?”

Customer: “Phillip.”

I am not quite sure if that is his first name or surname.

Me: “Good afternoon, sir. Do you have a policy number I can take, please?”

Customer: “No, I left it at home; I am at work now.”

Me: “Not a problem, sir. Could I take your postcode, please? I can search for your policy that way.”

Customer: “You should have that information on your screen.”

Me: “I will need to search for your policy first. For that, I will need your postcode.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me you can’t find me with my name?”

Me: “I can certainly try. Can I take your full name?”

Customer: “I don’t give out my surname over the phone.”

Me: *Inwardly sighs* “I will need to take your surname to search for your name.”

Customer: “I DON’T GIVE OUT THAT INFORMATION TO RANDOM STRANGERS ON THE PHONE! JUST SEARCH MY FIRST NAME!”

I think, “You called me?!”

Me: “There are 1400 results for the name Philip.”

Customer: “HOW IS THAT RIGHT?!”

Me: “The system has bought up all the policyholders with the first name Philip and the surname Phillips.”

Customer: “UGH! My surname is Jones.”

I inwardly sigh again, as I can see where this is going.

Me: “That still gives me seven results. Could I take your postcode, please?”

Customer: “I don’t have time for this.” *Hangs up*

It always amazes me how people think their name is so unique and special! Especially with a surname like Jones in the UK!

Customer: “Do you have any fresh… What’s the name of it? Hold on. The fish named after a South American country.”

Employee: “Named after… Oh! Chilean sea bass?”

Customer: “No, no, it’s just the name of the country. Like if there was just a fish called ‘France,’ you know?”

Employee: “I don’t know any fish just named after a country. Brazil… Ecuador…”

He’s staring at a map of “where our fish are from” and naming every South American country under his breath.

Customer: “Oh, here it is! Tilapia.”

After he packages up the tilapia and the customer leaves…

Employee: “Either he needs to go back to high school geography, or I owe an apology to the Tilapian people.”