(My manager is a very no-nonsense kind of person, and always speaks her mind. She’s out with her four-year-old daughter, and there’s a young boy acting up in front of them. The mother is doing nothing about it.)

Daughter: *to boy’s mother* “You know, this wouldn’t happen if you’d beat his a**.”

Manager: “[Daughter]! You don’t say things like that!”

Daughter: “I’m sorry, Mommy!” *to boy’s mother* “This wouldn’t happen if you’d beat his butt.”

Manager: “That’s better.”

(They walked away with the mother glaring daggers at them, my manager beaming with pride the entire time.)

(My toddler is sitting on the couch next to my husband and is playing with his large Spider-Man and Venom action figures by hitting them together. My husband gets his attention and he stops.)

Husband: “Don’t do that, son, or you’ll break them.”

(Our son suddenly drops Spider-Man on the couch next to him and starts cuddling Venom.)

Son: “Aww, baby! Mwah, mwah!” *kisses Venom’s head then cuddles him more*

Husband: *picks up Spider-Man and holds him out to our son* “What about him? Is he your baby, too?”

(Our son looks at Spider-Man, then at Venom, before snatching Spider-Man from my husband and throwing him on the floor. He then goes back to cuddling Venom and calling him “baby.”)

Husband: *laughs and shakes his head* “He prefers the villain, just like Mommy.”

Me: *cackles* “Good, good. The dark side always needs more people.”

(We are watching a local pantomime. For those who don’t know the genre, it is a comedy play geared towards children and families with lots of audience participation. This one is a parody of a popular sci-fi franchise. The villain has just proclaimed their evil plan to blow up the world, to the heroes, who are in shocked silence…)

Child In Audience: “YOU SUCK!”

(A customer and her daughter, who can be no older than four, walk up to the service counter.)

Customer: “Can I get a pack of [Cigarette Brand], please.”

Supervisor: “Sure.”

Girl: “No, Mommy, don’t.”

Customer: “But Daddy asked me to get them for him.”

Girl: “But they’re bad.” *to Supervisor* “Don’t get them.”

Supervisor: “I have to, or I’ll get in trouble.”

(My supervisor goes over to the drawer and grabs the cigarettes.)

Girl: “No! Don’t get them. They’re bad for Daddy. Don’t!”

Customer: “It’s okay, honey.”

Girl: *looking more and more upset by the second* “No, it’s not. Don’t scan them. Please.”

Supervisor: *trying to act as sweetly as possible* “I’m very sorry, but I have to. It’s my job. I’ll get in trouble if I don’t.”

(She scans the cigarettes.)

Supervisor: “That’ll be [price].”

Girl: “No! Don’t! Mummy, don’t buy them. They’re bad for Daddy. They’ll kill him.”

(The customer pays and the supervisor hands them the pack of cigarettes.)

Girl: “No!”

(As her mother tried to drag her away, the little girl folded her arms and scrunched up her face in that cute way four-year-olds do when they’re angry. I’m glad my supervisor took that one; I don’t think I would have been able to go through with the purchase with a little girl basically begging me to spare her father’s life.)

(My family and I are going for a bike ride in the forest when I see a dead snake on the path. We all stop to look at it and are expressing our sympathy [“Aw, poor thing,” etc.] when my youngest sister, probably about three years old, suddenly comes out with this gem:)

Sister: “So, snakes do exist!”

(We all cracked up and tried to figure out where that came from. She had seen snakes in the zoo before, so we still have no idea why she would say that.)