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A Prehistoric Christmas Tradition

, , , | Related | December 9, 2014

(My mom got her boyfriend The Beatles “Rock Band” for Christmas one year, which my little sister quickly became obsessed with playing. She doesn’t know anything about the Beatles or how to select which songs she wants to play, so she’s always asking my mom’s boyfriend for help.)

Sister: “Can you help me pick a song?”

Mom’s Boyfriend: “Sure. Which song did you want to play?”

Sister: “Lucky in the Sky With Dinosaurs!”

(We couldn’t stop laughing. We never call the song by its real name anymore.)


This story is part of our Beatles roundup!

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The Horror Of Housecleaning

, , , , | Related | July 10, 2014

(I am about four years old. My family has taken me to a haunted house, and I am fascinated by the decorations.)

Me: “Hey, look at these cobwebs! These are just like the ones we have at home!”


This story is part of our Haunted Houses roundup!

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A Bitter Bad Behavior

, , , , , , | Related | January 22, 2014

(I work in a candy store. Our credit card machine has been out of service for a couple of days. We have a sign at the register, but I’ve been trying to let everyone know as they come into the store so that I don’t have to sort and restock large purchases when they turn out to not have enough money. I’ve just told a woman and her kids that the machine is broken and we’re taking cash/checks only.)

Woman: “Oh! Well, I do have some cash on me, so we should be okay.”

(She turns to her children.)

Woman: “I don’t have a lot of money, so we can all only get a little bit of candy, okay?”

Middle Daughter: *outraged* “Do you know how expensive I am in stores like this?!”


This story is part of our Kids-In-Candy-Stores roundup!

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As A Rule Of Crumb

, , , , | Related | January 17, 2014

(I am babysitting. My little nephew wants what he calls a “yellow biscuit”: a type of cracker made from corn, so it is a light yellow colour.)

Nephew: “Auntie, can I have a yellow biscuit, please?”

Me: *being a bit silly* “Yes, I’ll get one for you. Does Mummy have yellow biscuits in the cupboard or do we need to get the crayons and colour one in?”

Nephew: “We’ve got lots. They’re in that tin.” *very solemnly* “You aren’t allowed to draw on biscuits. It’s a rule!”


This story is part of our Crayon Roundup!

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The Best And Worst Idea To Date

, , , , , | Related | December 9, 2013

(I am out with my two young sons when I run into a friend. We get on the topic of him taking a girl out on a first date in New York City.)

Friend: “I was thinking of taking her on a buggy ride in Central Park, followed by a romantic dinner, and then a Broadway musical.”

Me: “Ooh, nice.”

(My six-year-old son decides to interject.)

Son: “Excuse me. Can I say something?”

Me: “No. Go play with your brother.”

Friend: “That’s okay. Let’s hear it.”

Me: “You will regret this.”

Friend: “Let the kid talk.”

Son: “Uhm, buggy ride? Are you crazy? It’s stinky and it’s bumpy. That girl will not like to eat dinner after a buggy ride.”

Friend: “Have you been on a buggy ride?”

Son: “Plenty of times. My brother loves it. But it’s the most disgusting thing in New York City. You see the horse’s butt the entire time. Stinky. And the ride is so bumpy you get a bellyache, and you wanna throw up.”

Friend: “So, I’ll skip the buggy ride, then?”

Son: “I’m not finished. Why don’t you have dinner first? Then, if your girl is being nice, take her to Broadway. If she’s not nice, then you take her to the buggy ride.”

Friend: “And the reason for the buggy ride is…?”

Son: “So she throws up! Weren’t you listening to my story? You need to learn how to listen.”

Friend: *to me* “What the h*** kind of things have you been teaching your kids?!”

Me: “I really don’t know…”


This story is part of our New York City roundup!

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