Kid: “Mom! It’s happening! It’s finally happening! I’m turning into a shark!”
He opens his mouth wide and points. His molars are coming in.
Me: “No, bud, sorry. Those are just human teeth.”
He walks away, disappointed.
Kid: *Muttering* “Stupid human teeth.”
I am not religious, but my parents are. They babysat our kids for the weekend. I told the kids that Grandma would be taking them to church but that religion is a personal choice, so they had to behave and respect those choices even though we’re not a religious household.
My parents get back on Sunday night.
Mom: “I don’t think we’ll be taking them to church again.”
Me: “What happened?”
Mom: “Well, church service happened at the same time as Paw Patrol.”
Me: “Uh-oh.”
Mom: “[Daughter] was upset to miss it for church, but she was mostly okay until the pastor saw the kids and decided to make them part of the service.”
Me: “Oh, no.”
Mom: “I kept suggesting that he move on to another kid, but he was adamant that he was ‘good with children’. He asked [Daughter] what she learned from the Bible story he’d read earlier, and she blurted out loud to the entire church, ‘Jesus is making me miss Paw Patrol, so I hate Jesus!'”
I couldn’t hold back my laughter. After I recovered, I told my mom that I had told [Daughter] to respect other people’s beliefs, so I would explain to her how that was inappropriate. But seriously, no one, not even the Almighty, can come between a four-year-old and their “Paw Patrol”.
I’m chatting with my brother in the kitchen when my youngest child comes running into the room.
Son: “I have an anus!”
Me: *Holding back laughter* “Yes, you do.” *To my brother* “He’s been learning new words.”
Son: “Do you have an anus, Daddy?”
Me: “Yes, I have one, too.”
Son: “But not Mummy.”
Me: “No, Mummy has one, too. Everyone has an anus.”
Son: “Everyone? Even girls?”
Me: “Yes, even girls.”
Son: “Even… the Queen?!”
Me: “Yes, even the Queen.”
He looks amazed at this newfound knowledge for a while, and then he gets distracted with his Pokemon stickers. My brother is now laughing.
Brother: “We just learned three-year-old speak for, ‘Everybody s***s, even the Queen.'”
When my niece was around three, I was in the car with her and her parents.
Me: “[Niece], do you want a baby sister?”
Niece: “No.“
Me: “What about a baby brother?”
Niece: “No.”
Me: “So, you don’t want to be a big sister?”
Niece: *Dramatic sigh* “I just want to be myself.”
When I was around eight years old, my mom, my aunt, and I were driving down the road. We stopped at a traffic light with a strip club on the corner, and my aunt laughed as she read the sign out front.
Sign: “Banana Eating Contest Tonight!”
Me: “I want to go because I bet I would win! I love bananas!”
They started to laugh hysterically.
Me: “It’s true! I love bananas! I could eat ten in one go!”
Mom: “[My Name]! Stop talking about how much you love bananas!”
Aunt: *Laughing* “No! Let her say how much she loves them!”
Me: *Confused* “Why, Mommy? Bananas are good for you! But you have to peel the skin off because those parts don’t taste good.”
They both screamed at me to stop between laughing fits, and I never understood why until it was brought up when I was a teenager.
