The CDC Will Shut This Place Down For The Worst Juvenile Hypochondria It’s Ever Seen

, , , , , , | Healthy | June 29, 2018

(Overheard between a pediatrician and a seven-year-old patient:)

Pediatrician: “Look, [Child], you learned more about [disease] on your own; that’s a good thing! It’s very smart to learn all about your health. And, you found out online that we always tell the CDC when someone has [disease]. I think it’s very good when people learn about how we keep track of disease. But from now on, calling the CDC is my job, not yours.”

She’s Not Playing Around About Extending Her Playing Around

, , , , , | Related | June 28, 2018

(My sister is about three years old at the time of this story, and our mother has taken her out to play. It’s time to go home, and naturally, my sister doesn’t want to leave. She’s trying to get back to the playground.)

Mom: “[Sister], Mommy said no!”

Sister: “But Mommy, [Sister] said yes!

Something Fishy About These Hamsters

, , , , , | Right | June 27, 2018

(I’m talking to a customer about hamsters. We are standing in front of the hamster cages, going over basic care when a young girl — seven or eight at the oldest — comes up.)

Girl: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes?”

Girl: “Where are the real hamsters?”

Me: “Real hamsters?”

Girl: “Yeah, where are the real hamsters?”

Me: “They’re right here!” *smiles and gestures to cages in front of me with hamsters in them*

Girl:That’s going to be my class pet!? I knew we should’ve gotten a fish!” *looks horrified, then runs away*

(I couldn’t tell if the customers I’d been helping were laughing at the girl, or my facial expression.)

Somehow… It Fits

, , , , , | Right | June 22, 2018

(I’m a customer, in line and waiting at the register. A woman is screaming at the cashier for so long that another lane is opened up for everyone else. As I’m putting my things on the counter, the lady stops shouting after the manager is involved, and I hear this conversation from a mom and her son behind me:)

Boy: “Can I have a candy?”

Mom: “No, you already have one.”

Boy: “What if I throw a fit?”

Mom: “When has that ever given anyone anything?”

Boy: “It gave that lady a discount!” *pointing at the lady from the other lane*

(Needless to say, she looked ashamed, and the rest of the small shop had a good laugh.)

Cheering Down The Freeway

, , , , | Related | June 21, 2018

(When I am around seven years old, there is a string of drunk-driving incidents in my hometown, mostly related to underage drivers. It is all over the local news for several weeks, and it really upsets my mom. Because I often carpool with a friend to school, with her older sibling driving us, she sits me down and has a long talk with me about not riding in cars with people who have been drinking, to call her or my dad if I don’t feel safe riding with someone, etc. Unfortunately, she neglects to clarify for seven-year-old me exactly what beverages constitute “drinking and driving,” because we have this gem of a conversation about a week later:)

Me: *running into her room* “Mommy!”

Mom: “Yes, sweetie?”

Me: “You know how Daddy drove me to gymnastics today?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Me: “Well… um… Is wine a ‘drink’?”

Mom: *stunned silence* “[My Name], are you saying your father was drinking wine in the car?”

Me: “Yeah! It said it on the can!”

Mom: *jumping up and grabbing the phone off the hook* “I can’t believe he… Wait, what can?”

Me: “It said it in big letters, ‘CHEERWINE’!” *a form of cherry soda*

Mom: *slams the phone down* “Oh! Oh, thank God!”

(We then had different talk about drinks that are okay to have in the car. My dad thought it was hilarious and still likes to tell people that story nearly 30 years later.)

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