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Religion Is Trending

, , , , , | Right | June 4, 2021

It’s 2016. Our priest is showing some kids a picture of the Hindu god Krishna. He has a weapon called a sudarshana chakra, which spins on his finger.

Kid: “Look, he has a fidget spinner!”

That’s One Way To Learn

, , , , | Learning | May 30, 2021

This happens during a catechism lesson when all the kids are drawing or otherwise occupied with manual activities. My daughter, who’s six or seven, is a combination of sheltered and curious and has no filter whatsoever.

Daughter: “If coffee contains caffeine and tea contains theine, does Coke contain cokeine?”

The teacher reprimanded her a LOT, and gave us a piece of her mind when we picked up our daughter, as well. That evening, we imparted to my daughter a crash course about drugs.

This Kid Takes Traffic Safety Very Seriously

, , , , , , | Related | May 28, 2021

Back in 1970, my uncle and aunt took my younger brother, then age four, and me on a trip to the original Legoland in Denmark. 

About halfway there, we were driving on a main road with a speed limit of 80 km/h. As we drove over the top of a hill, there was a sign saying 60 km/h, and immediately after that there was a cable or something running across the road which I was told was used to measure the speed of all the cars driving over it. 

At the bottom of the hill, my uncle was waved to the side of the road by a policeman.

The policeman checked my uncle’s driver’s license, and after a while, he handed him a piece of paper which I now know must have been a fine. He then told my uncle to have a nice day and to drive carefully.

This was the moment my little brother lost all faith in the police, and he asked the policeman: 

Brother: “Aren’t you going to bring him in?”

Bless Her Heart, And Ditzy’s, Too

, , , , , | Related | May 22, 2021

I am three years old. We’re dressing up to go to church with my godparents, who are very religious and proper. My father is putting on his dress shoes and doesn’t realize our poodle has done her business inside of one. He puts his foot right in it. I find his absolutely hilarious.

Later, we’re sitting in the church and my godmother is in the pew next to me. Even though the minister is talking, I decide that this is the perfect time to fill her in on the awesome events of the morning.

Me: “Aunt [Godmother]! Ditzy pooped in Daddy’s shoe!”

Godmother: “Shh!”

I think she just doesn’t believe me, so I reply much louder.

Me: “But it’s true! Ditzy pooped in Daddy’s shoe!”

Godmother: “[My Name], hush!

The minister has begun to speak at a higher volume and people are turning to look at our pew. My mother tries in vain to quiet me and my father is laughing. I am getting mad now.

Me: “Ditzy pooped in Daddy’s shoe! She did!”

The minister starts almost shouting to drown me out. I start shouting, too.

Me: “DITZY POOPED IN DADDY’S SHOE!”

My godparents were mortified. My mother was about to crawl under the pew and hide. My father was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. They finally got me calmed down, and at the end of the sermon, the minister came over to congratulate my parents on having a daughter with such fine lungs.

Quack Quack, Gobble Gobble

, , , , , , | Related | May 16, 2021

My wife has the most adorable godson. When he was about four years old, my wife and I took him on a trip to the zoo. We arrived at the “savannah,” a big enclosure with elephants, giraffes, zebras, etc. In addition to the fence, there was a big moat to keep the animals from escaping.

Wife: “Look, [Godson], elephants! Oh, and giraffes! Aren’t they funny with those long necks?”

Godson: *Pointing to the moat* “Look, Auntie, ducks!”

Wife: *Laughing* “Oh, man! If he wanted to see ducks, we could have taken him to the park, instead.”