We are in the middle of the current health crisis, and I haven’t gotten to see my best friend or her young daughters since February. One day, in the middle of August, my friend calls me over messenger, and she sounds a little mad.

Friend: “So. Guess what your niece did today in [Store].”

Me: “Oooh, you never call her that unless it was something good. What is it?”

Friend: “So, we’re getting groceries, and my mom shows up. We stand there for a minute, talking, and Mom coughs. Suddenly, [Niece] shouts for the whole store to hear, ‘Nana! You got [The Disease]!’”

For clarity, her mother is a smoker and has a smoker’s cough, which is what she was implying the coughing was caused by. She still sounds upset over what her five-year-old shouted, but I burst out laughing as hard as I can.

Me: “Oh, my God! Good child!”

Friend: “It’s not funny! I was so embarrassed! Mom had to get out of there before people started staring!”

Me: “Wanna know why I think this is so hilarious? Because she learned it from you! Either you or your boyfriend! So, I have no sympathy for you in this situation. Be careful what you say around your kid all the time, because she’ll think it’s normal to say.”

Friend: *Long pause* “Yeah, you’re right.”

My four-year-old is in the bathroom.

Four-Year-Old: “What is that?! Is that a feather in my poop?”

There’s a pause.

Four-Year-Old: “Mama! I think I accidentally ate a bird!”

I have five younger sisters, two of whom are in college and living away from home and three of whom are in upper elementary school, ages eight, nine, and ten. While video chatting with my parents and youngest sister one day, I mention that I am so happy my baby took a long nap that day, because it means I got one, too. Cue this question from the eight-year-old.

Sister: “Why are babies and grown-ups so obsessed with naps?”

I am currently working from home. I’m near the end of an online chat with my supervisor.

Supervisor: “Oooh, I can smell cake from the kitchen.”

Me: “Yum, sounds nice. I’m not very good with cake.”

Then, my son yells out:

Son: “You are amazing with cake, Mum. Two seconds and it’s gone.”

Cheeky little bugger.

When my son is seven, he starts telling my husband and me that he wants a baby brother or sister. One day, we are at a rather large family gathering. My sister is there with my niece, who is suffering due to teething and just having had vaccines yesterday, and she makes this suffering well known by screaming at the top of her lungs.

One of my relatives approaches my son and says she’s heard that he wants a little baby brother or sister. With a look of utter disdain that I think only kids can manage, he looks at my crying niece and then back to my relative.

Son: “Not if they sound like that, I don’t!”