What The F*** Did I Say?!

, , , , , , , | Related | July 12, 2018

(My aunt has to run to the shops while I am visiting, so she takes one of my cousins and I stay at home with the other one. We’re watching YouTube on my laptop when I accidentally knock it onto the floor.)

Me: “Oh, s***.”

Cousin: “S***! S***!”

Me: “Don’t say that! That’s a naughty word and we’re not allowed to say it!”

Cousin: “Is it… a swear word?”

Me: “Yes, and that’s why we can’t say it.”

Cousin: “Is it a swear word like ‘f***ing’?”

Me: “Where did you hear that?”

Cousin: “Mum calls people ‘f***ing idiots’ in the car a lot.”

Me: “Yes, they’re both swear words, and that’s why we don’t say them. Promise me you won’t say it.”

Cousin: ”I promise!”

(We go back to watching some kid’s show on YouTube. About half an hour later, my aunt gets home.)

Cousin: *jumps off the couch like her a**e is on fire and runs to greet her* “MUMMY! MUMMY! ‘F***ING’ IS A SWEAR WORD!”

(Thankfully, my aunt didn’t murder me… but I had to cook dinner that night as punishment.)

Boys: Obnoxious At Three Months

, , , , , | Related | July 9, 2018

(I have just become a first-time father and am learning the ropes. I also really, really, really love spending time with my son, and everyone calls him a “serious Daddy’s boy.” He has just turned three months old and has figured out how to burp without much help. I always laugh and shout, “That’s MY BOY!” He also will randomly give you his version of a kiss, which is him putting both his hands on your cheeks, opening his mouth, and putting your nose in his mouth for moment, backing up, and smiling. He and I are playing together when he suddenly grabs my face and moves in for, what I think is, a kiss. He gets to about two inches from my face, gets a huge grin on his face, and releases a burp I cannot believe just came from a baby. He then starts cracking up. I’m sitting there, absolutely stunned in silence. My wife has exploded into laughter.)

Me: “Did… did he just…”

Wife: “YEAH! He’s done that to me a few times when you were at work!”

Me: “THAT’S MY BOY!”

Getting On Top Of Your Taxes

, , , , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(There’s a little guy, maybe around 10 or 12, looking at some stuff on sale with his mum.)

Kid: “Look, Mum! Fifteen dollars! I can get it!”

Mum: “There’s tax on top of that.”

Kid: *picks it up and looks on top* “Where?”

I Have An Ice Cream Dream

, , , , , , | Related | July 2, 2018

(We are having a heatwave at the moment. As I am shopping, I pass a small girl and what I assume is her grandmother. The grandmother is carrying two boxes of ice lollies, each containing 12 lollipops.)

Grandmother: “Right. We need to get these home before they melt.”

Granddaughter: “Or we could just eat them now.”

(I admire her ambition.)

Six-Year-Old Logic Is A Gift

, , , | Related | June 29, 2018

(After going shopping for my husband’s birthday with kids in tow, I try to convince them not to spoil the surprise.)

Me: “Don’t tell your dad what we got him today!”

Six-Year-Old Son: “But can I tell him that we got him something, if I don’t tell him what it is?”

Me: “No! Don’t tell him anything! Don’t tell him that we went shopping at all!”

(Of course, as soon as my husband comes home, my son has something very interesting to say.)

Six-Year-Old Son: “Heey, Daaad, I won’t tell you—”

Me: *interrupting* “Shush!”

Six-Year-Old Son: “But I’m not going to tell—”

Me: *interrupting again* “SHUSH! Stop talking!”

(I take him apart and ask him what’s up.)

Me: “I thought we agreed not to tell anything.”

Six-Year-Old Son: “But I wasn’t going to tell him that we got him something!”

Me: “Okay, then what were you trying to tell Dad?”

Six-Year-Old Son: “I was going to tell him that I wasn’t going to tell him whether we got him something or not!”

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