When my son was three years old, we noticed the smell of burnt plastic coming from our heater vents. I called one of our friends who worked in heating and cooling, and he came over.

Our furnace was in our crawl space, so he went down. About fifteen minutes later, he asked me to hand him three black garbage bags through one of the vents, so I did so. He came up later with three bags of plastic toys. I had wondered where all my son’s toys were going.

I asked my son why he was putting toys down the vents.

Son: “Mommy, there are alligators down there, and if I don’t feed them my toys, they will eat my sister.”

We have a large family, so planning outings can be a challenge.

Mom: “You and your sister will go in [Aunt]’s car.”

Me: “I think I’d rather just stay home.”

Mom: “Why?”

Sister: “[Aunt]’s driving is… angry.”

Mom: “I know she finds other drivers annoying, but I’m sure she’s fine.”

Our youngest sister, all of six years old, says:

Youngest Sister: “I’ll go with [Aunt]! She’s funny! The other day, another car pulled out without indicating, and she screamed at him, ‘YOUR DAD SHOULD’VE PULLED OUT FIRST!’ I don’t get it, but Daddy found it funny.”

My sister and I stare at our mom.

Mom: “I’ll have a talk with her.”

Years ago, I was looking after a friend’s kid who was about four years old, and a guy came on the news wearing an eye patch.

Kid: “Look, it’s a pirate!”

I thought I should maybe correct her in case she did the embarrassing thing of screaming that at someone in real life.

Me: “No, he’s just hurt his eye.”

She thought about this for a moment.

Kid: “Yeah, probably fighting other pirates.”

When I was two years old, my teen cousin came over to babysit, and my mom gave instructions.

Mom: “Now, if brown and red goo starts coming out of his nose, don’t worry, his brain isn’t leaking.”

Cousin: *Horrified* “Uh… what?”

Mom: “He likes to put M&Ms up his nose and let them melt. We’ve removed all the M&Ms in the house, but we know he has a few hidden somewhere, so don’t be surprised if it happens.”

Cousin: “Is… is that likely?”

Mom: “Probably not, but we thought we’d found all his stashes last time and didn’t tell the last babysitter, and… well… I can still hear her screams…”

I found my two-year-old kid talking to the hole in the sink.

Me: “What’re you doing?”

Son: “Talking to God.”

Me: “In the sink?”

Son: “That’s where he lives.”

Me: “Not at Church?”

Son: “Don’t be stupid, Mom. That’s where he works!”