This Child’s Legs Will Carry Them Far

, , , , , , , | Related | January 28, 2019

(I am at work when I receive a phone call from my eight-year-old daughter’s school nurse. My daughter is supposed to attend the after-school program there, but is complaining of a sore throat and a headache. I tell the nurse I will pick her up around 4:00 pm, once I’ve seen all the scheduled clients for the day. When I arrive to pick up my daughter, she is outside playing. I sign her out and we have this conversation while walking to the car.)

Me: “I thought you said your head hurt and your throat hurt?”

Daughter: “They do.”

Me: “Then why were you outside playing?”

Daughter: “Well, my legs don’t hurt.”

Stuck Under The Cart

, , , , , , | Right | January 20, 2019

I’m cashiering at a big chain store, and a mother and her two kids come through my lane. The little girl is calmly sitting in the cart, while her older brother is climbing under the cart, despite his mom telling him to stop.

We have stickers at the registers to hand out to kids, so I ask if anyone wants one. I hand one to the little girl, and the boy climbs out from under the cart to grab one. I try to make the mom’s life easier and tell him, “This means you can’t go back under the cart, all right?”

At first, my ploy seems to work… until the boy puts the sticker back on my counter and climbs back under the cart.

At least he gave the sticker back?

Breast Milk Just Doesn’t Cut It Anymore

, , , , | Related | January 13, 2019

(According to my parents, I started talking at nine months old. This led them to be concerned about my younger brother, who was saying little more than, “Mama,” or, “Dada” at over a year.  Testing showed there was nothing wrong with his hearing, and the pediatrician advised my parents that all children were different and to just be patient with him. We’re all relaxing at home on a weekend, and my brother and I have been quietly playing together. Suddenly my brother stands up and toddles over to my father.)

Brother: *loudly and plainly* “GIMME A BEER!”

Father: *dying laughing*

Mother: “Well… at least he’s talking!”

(After that, my brother continued to speak in complete sentences. We’re not sure what caused the initial delay; my best theory is that he was waiting until he had something important to say.)

Milk Sure Has Changed Since My Day

, , , , , , | Related | January 10, 2019

(My little brother is a toddler. The whole family has gone out for the day and we’ve stopped at a diner for dinner. Right next to the table my parents get, there is a little kids’ table where both my brothers sit. The waiter comes over to take our order. The kid is maybe eighteen.)

Waiter: “What would you like to drink?”

Brother: “Hmm… I would wike… a beer!”

Waiter: *blinks and side eyes my parents* “Um, does he mean root beer?”

Mom: “No. He thinks he wants a beer.”

Waiter: “Um, should I bring it to him?”

Mom: “No!” *looks at my brother* “You can have milk or apple juice.”

Brother: “Milk!”

(The waiter took the rest of our orders and left. We laughed. My brother really did want a beer, although it was just because he was mimicking my dad, as toddlers do. To this day, every so often when someone takes drink orders, someone will say, “I would wike… a beer!”)

Misunderstanding The Joy Of Giving

, , , , | Related | December 28, 2018

(My daughter is a nanny for two young boys, and in December they read a lot of holiday books. Today they read a book about gifts, and how it is better to give than to receive. My daughter thinks the boys understand, but when the mother arrives home, the six-year-old keeps telling his mother what toys he wants for Christmas.)

Daughter: “Do you remember what we learned in the book today, about how it’s better to give than to receive?”

Boy: “Yes, and I am allowing Mom the fun of giving because she will give me toys.”

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