Expecting A Christmas Miracle  

, , , , | Related | December 27, 2019

(My two sons, ages seven and nine, are brats. I cannot get them to clean up after themselves. This becomes a greater concern when it’s announced that the family Christmas this year will be at the home of my sister and her husband. They are very wealthy, very house-proud, and childfree — by choice and very happy about it! During past visits, I would run about clearing up after my boys. My sister is not a Nazi at all about it — she often tells me to sit down and have my wine and stop worrying — but the house is so beautiful I can’t help myself. This year, I decide on another attempt to teach the boys to respect other people’s houses.)

Me: “You can’t make a mess at Aunty’s house over Christmas.”

Sons: *collective eye roll*

Me: “I’m serious. I don’t want to spend the entire holiday running around after you two. I don’t expect perfection, but you’ve got to make an effort.”

Son #1: “Well, can we swim in the pool?”

Me: “Yes.”

Son #2: “Can we play on the tennis court?”

Me: “Yes.”

Son #1: “Can we play with [Uncle]’s VR? 

(My sister’s husband has a PlayStation with VR set up in his mancave.)

Me: “Yes.”

Son #2: “I don’t know what you’re worried about. We won’t ever be inside the house!”

(I am crossing all my appendages that my sons’ quite reasonable logic translates into reality!)

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Should Have Taken That With A Grain Of Salt

, , , , , | Related | December 26, 2019

I grew up in Massachusetts, and as a kid, we would get snow days where we would have the day off from school due to the large amount of snow we would get in the winter. 

One day, I overheard my parents talking about putting salt on the ground to melt the ice. We went out later that evening to shovel. I took the salt shaker off the kitchen table and shook the salt to try to melt the snow.

I was that kid that took things very literally.

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Grandma Has Been Good This Year

, , , , , , | Related | December 24, 2019

(I am in line at a fast food restaurant during their Breakfast With Santa event. A woman comes in with her three- or four-year-old daughter. Mom points to Santa and asks the girl who it is.)

Little Girl: “I don’t know.”

Mom: “Yes, you do; it’s Santa.”

Little Girl: “That is not Santa; that is a people.”

Mom: “Santa is a person.”

Little Girl: “Santa is not a people. Santa is Santa. People like to play dress up because it’s fun. We will take a picture to make Grandma happy.”

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She’s A Total Conehead

, , , , | Right | December 22, 2019

(I am a customer in this story. In New York, we have a chain of convenience stores that also serves really good ice cream. I am there getting ice cream and a woman walks in with her husband and two daughters, about six and four years old.)

Six-Year-Old: *to the cashier* “May I please have a scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cone?”

Cashier: “Certainly.” *to the four-year-old* “And what would you like?”

Four-Year-Old: “I just want a cone, please!”

Mother: “No, [Four-Year-Old], you have to get something in the cone.”

Four-Year-Old: “But I just want the cone!”

Mother: “No, you have to get something in the cone.”

Four-Year-Old: *looks like she’s about to cry* “I just want the cone!”

Mother: *to the cashier* “She’ll have chocolate, too.”

Four-Year-Old: *upset* “I just want the cone!”

(The family got their ice cream and went to sit down and eat it. The daughter ate her ice cream, but was very grumpy about it.)

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She’s Been Watching Too Much “Futurama”

, , , , , | Related | December 22, 2019

(It’s Christmas time. My extended family is holding a get-together, and my sister and I are carpooling there. I end up in the backseat with my nieces, who are four and two. This year, my older niece is old enough to “get” the idea of Santa Claus, and she is excited to tell me what she hopes Santa will bring her. She alternates gift ideas with bits of Christmas songs, sung off-key and missing words. It’s when she switches to singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” that I realize that maybe she doesn’t “get” Santa like we thought she did.)

Niece: *singing* “You better not run, you better not cry. Santa Claus is coming… for you.”

(Clearly, further discussion is needed.)

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