Boy Being Boy

, , , , | Related | July 4, 2019

(I am using the restroom at a department store. The only other people around are a man and his three-year-old son who are wrapping up their business.)

Man: “Now we have to wash our hands.”

Boy: “I didn’t pee on mine.”

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Origin Of The Phrase, “Oh, Brother”

, , , , | Related | June 30, 2019

I have been going to the same fairly conservative Christian Reformed church since birth. This happened soon after my first brother was born. He was an extremely fussy baby, less than a year old at this time, and cried constantly.

My brother was fussing in the car as my family — my mother, my father, and two-year-old me — was driving to church. My brother refused to calm down and my father got fed up and yelled, “D*** IT, [BROTHER]!”

He stopped crying instantly, shocked by the loud noise.

But, being the constantly fussy baby that he was, he started up again and was back in full tantrum mode by the time we pulled into a parking space in the church parking lot. I had never been a fan of my little brother and was even less enamored with his constant crying. So, I decided to make a solution.

I yelled, “D*** IT, [BROTHER]!”

Keep in mind that I was two years old, yelling this for the entire church parking lot to hear on Sunday morning. My parents were mortified!

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Anyone Else Have “Chocolate Rain” Stuck In Their Head?

, , , , , | Friendly | June 24, 2019

(When my brother is little, he often goes up to strangers and talks to them. We are at the park one day when he is about two, and he sees a black woman. I guess he hasn’t seen many black people before, because he runs up to her.)

Brother: “Why is your skin made of chocolate?”

(My parents are horrified and worried that she will be mad or offended. Instead, she just laughs.)

Woman: “I’ve been called a lot of things that are worse than chocolate!”

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The Grid Truth

, , , , , | Right | June 18, 2019

(I am working the checkout when a young boy, about five years old, comes up with me to buy a few “Tron Legacy” toys. I’m also a fan of the “Tron” movies, so I start to talk to him about it.)

Me: “I guess you like Tron, then?”

Boy: “Yeah! I love it! They are gonna make a second one!”

Me: “Well, technically, Tron Legacy is the second one. The first one is about as old as I am.”

(The boy just looks at me with shock.)

Boy: “But you’re ANCIENT!”

(I look at his mother, who is in shock that her little boy has called me ancient, as I am not that old. She also begins to turn red out of embarrassment until I burst out laughing. The little boy buys his toys and leaves with his mother, and I turn to my manager while still laughing.)

Manager: “If you’re ancient, what does that make me, then?”

(That little boy made me forget about all the abuse I get at work, and still makes me laugh now.)

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Hail Satan And Pass The Gravy

, , , , , | Related | June 17, 2019

(My eight-year-old brother comes home from a birthday party.)

Mom: “Was there food at the party?”  

Brother: “Yes, Mommy, but I didn’t eat it because it was blessed by another god and I believe in Jesus.”

Mom: “Oh. Okay, then.”

Brother: “Yes, the lady kept saying it was blessed in Hell.”

Mom: “Did she maybe say, ‘Blessed Halal’?”

Brother: “Maybe. Why?”

Mother: “There’s a big difference. It would have been fine if you had eaten it.”

(My brother spent a birthday party thinking his friend was a satanic worshiper and they were trying to poison him with food from Hell. On the bright side, he was polite and just told the lady that he had already eaten. Gotta love eight-year-olds.)

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