Oldest Trick In The Book

, , , , | Hopeless | March 10, 2018

(At my cinema, we have special screenings for seniors on Wednesday mornings. For less than half the price of a normal ticket, they can see a movie that was released earlier in the year, as well as get a cup of tea and a small snack. On this day, I am approached by a man who is well under forty, and his maybe seven-year-old daughter.)

Man: “Two tickets to [Marvel Movie], please! [Daughter] and I missed it when it was out first time, so we were excited to see it on the website.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m really not supposed to give tickets to non-seniors. It’s a special viewing for our older customers.”

Man: *disappointed, but pleasant* “Oh. I should’ve looked. I was just really excited to see it in the cinema. Don’t worry, love; it’s not your fault.”

(I feel bad, because the man is looking crestfallen, and I consider making an exception and arguing with my manager later. Before I can say anything, however, the little girl looks from her dad to me and back again before clearly making a decision.)

Daughter: *clutching her back and doubling over* “Oh! My back!”

Man: “[Daughter]? What’s wrong?”

Daughter: “It’s my back, Daddy! I have a sore back because I’m so old!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “Oh, is that right? How old are you?”

Daughter: “I’m at least seventy-seven and I need a ticket for the old people movie! And Daddy needs to come help me to my seat!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I can certainly do a ticket for you and your companion if you’re the right age.”

Daughter: “I already told you I’m eighty-seven!”

Man: “You said seventy-seven, [Daughter].”

Daughter: “See? I’m so old I don’t know what age I am!”

(I let them in and replaced the tea with a fruit juice for her. My manager wasn’t thrilled with me when she found out, but the dad was thankful. Besides, that kind of quick thinking must be rewarded!)

The Kind Of Things You Say After Having Too Many Shots

, , , , | Healthy | March 9, 2018

Younger Brother: *whining* “Why do we need to get shots?”

Me: “Because they make you feel better.”

Younger Brother: “But don’t the shots make holes in your bones?”

Romanti-cooties: You Heard Of Them Here First

, , , , | Related | March 9, 2018

(At a wedding reception, I am seated next to my niece. She is telling me about the dangers of cooties from boys.)

Me: “But Uncle [My Husband] told me that girls are the ones with cooties!”

Niece: “Girls have cooties, too, but boy cooties and girl cooties don’t mix. That’s why boys and girls can’t kiss.”

Me: “What about me and Uncle [My Husband]? We kiss.”

(My niece sits in thought for a few moments before replying.)

Niece: “Well, that’s okay, because when you get married your cooties become romanti-cooties and they get along.”

Knowledge Starved

, , | Learning | March 8, 2018

Child #1: “Ugh. I am so hungry, I’m Hank Marvin.”

Child #2: “Who’s Hank Marvin?”

Child #1: “I dunno, some scientist who discovered foods.”

What Came First: The Egg Or The Baby?

, , , , | Right | March 7, 2018

(I’m 16 and working a six-hour shift as a bagger. It’s been a long day and I still have an hour until I go home, and I’m feeling stressed and grouchy. A little boy comes up with his mother, and while she talks to the cashier, the boy talks to me.)

Little Boy: “What’s your name?”

Me: “My name is [My Name]. What’s yours?”

Little Boy: “I’m [Little Boy]. How old are you?”

Me: “I’m 16. How about you?”

Little Boy: “I’m four. Do you know how to drive?”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to cook?”

Me: “Yes.”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to make a cookie?”

Me: “I do, indeed.”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to make an egg?”

Me: “Yep!”

Little Boy: “Do you know how to make a baby?”

(I crack up.)

Mother: *coming over* “I’m sorry! He asks the craziest things!”

Me: “No worries. He made my day!”

(He did! It’s been two years and I still tell this story.)

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