The Spider-Verse Is Already Big Enough

, , , , , , , | Related | February 13, 2019

(My husband and I have taken our three-year-old son to see “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse.” He has been to movies before and is always quiet and completely enthralled by the movie. When Spider-Man first appears, he points to the screen.)

Son: *loudly* “Batman!”

(There’s scattered giggling from adults and older children. I shush him and speak in a whisper.)

Me: “No, not Batman. Remember? Mama told you that we’re seeing Spider-Man.”

Son: *also whispering* “Spi-yer-Man?”

Me: “Yes, Spider-Man. But we have to be quiet.”

Son: *whispers loudly and points again* “Spider-Man!”

(For the rest of the movie, he is silent as he eats his popcorn and sips his drink. But then, Miles Morales shows up in his black and red Spidey suit and:)

Son: *loudly and excitedly as he points* “IT BATMAN!”

(It seemed like the entire theater broke into a giggling fit at my son’s enthusiastic mistake.)

Must Have Seen The Rob Zombie Version

, , , , , | Related | February 11, 2019

(When my brother is six he decides he is going to watch the After School Special on delivering a baby. My mom tries to talk him out of it but he is determined! And since it is factual stuff she finally relents and lets him watch it. When it is done…)

Mom: “So, what did you learn about babies being born?”

Brother: “Well, first a mommy and daddy kiss a lot, and then the mommy eats a lot and gets fat. Then they go to the hospital, and they cut her open, and then they take the baby out, and then they sew her up with a sewing machine.”

Shoppers: Know Your Limits

, , , , | Related | February 2, 2019

(A young girl and her parents approach the entrance of our gift shop.)

Girl: *stops dead with her jaw dropped* “Mom! I can’t go in there! I can’t! I’ll spend all my money! I just can’t!”

Mother: “Sweetie, you can still look and—”

Girl: “NO! There’s too much cool stuff! All my money will be gone! It’s too much pressure! I JUST CAN’T!” *throws her arms up and runs to sit on the nearest bench, clearly upset*

(The father stays with the girl while the mother shops. In the end, she buys her daughter a surprise gift and the girl is super happy. As they walk away, the last thing I hear is:)

Girl: “Wait! How much do I owe you?”

It Might Be Tough Getting The Receipt

, , , , , , | Related Right | January 29, 2019

(I’m helping a mom load groceries into her car. She has a baby and a boy about three or four years old. The mom and I are making small talk when the boy speaks up.)

Boy: “Hi!”

Me: “Hello.”

Boy: “Can we return the baby?”

Me: “What?”

Mom: “I didn’t buy the baby from the store.”

Boy: “Yes, you did; I know you did! Can we return him? All he does is fuss.”

Mom: “But I didn’t buy the baby from the store.”

Boy: “Yes, you did!”

Me: “Sorry, all sales are final. No returns or exchanges on babies.”

Boy: “Aww.”

(I hope the mom was able to get through to her kid that babies do not come from grocery stores.)

How Do I Put This Clearly? You’re Wrong

, , , , , , , | Related | January 29, 2019

(My husband, our toddler, and I are visiting my husband’s mom and step-dad on Christmas Eve. My son knows a lot of words for his age, even some considered harder for his age, but only seems to use them when he thinks absolutely necessary.)

Son: *says something in gibberish to my mother-in-law* “Okay?”

Mother-In-Law: *looks at me expectantly* “And what was that he said?”

Me: *shrugs* “No clue, because it was all babble except the ‘okay.’”

Husband: *chuckles* “Yeah, sometimes [Son] does that, but he can speak in short sentences when he wants to. It’s usually three or four words, but he gets his point across.”

Mother-In-Law: *snottily* “If you say so, but it could be a delay.”

Me: *irritably* “I do say so, and he’s fine.”

(She makes a disapproving noise, and I just roll my eyes and ignore it. Later, as we’re eating, I offer my son a bite of my baked potato.)

Son: *pushing the fork away* “No ‘tato!”

Husband: “See? He just said, ‘No potato.’”

(I can tell my mother-in-law is going to make a snide remark, but before she can get the words out, my husband’s step-dad offers some of his ham to my son.)

Step-Dad: *cheerfully* “Here, [Son]! Why don’t you have a bite of Pawpaw’s ham?”

(My son holds up one hand to reject the offer.)

Son: *loudly and perfectly clear* “I’d rather not.”

(My husband, his step-dad, and I all burst out laughing, but my mother-in-law got a very sour look on her face and pouted for the rest of the afternoon.)

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