Older Generations Can Be Such A Drag

, , , , , , | Related | June 1, 2018

(I am attending a family dinner at my grandmother’s house for her birthday. My nephew is trying to keep himself entertained by talking with everyone. At the moment he’s talking with my estranged great aunt.)

Great Aunt: “So, [Nephew], do you know what your daddy does? Your mummy won’t tell me.”

Nephew: “He’s a drag queen!”

Great Aunt: “WHAT?! [Sister], is this true?!”

Sister: *who has been talking to my grandmother* “What? Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

Great Aunt: “That your husband, [Husband], your husband, is a drag queen?

Sister: “No, he’s a drag racer on the weekends. He’s an accountant during the week. [Nephew] probably got them mixed up. He likes watching the lip syncs on that drag race show.”

(My great aunt looks beside herself in horror. I decide to add to it.)

Me: “It’s a shame. Having a drag queen in the family would be great.”

Grandmother: *looking at [Husband] in the kitchen* “He’s got the legs for it.”

Sister: “Oh, I know! Those legs are like steel. But he’s clumsy as f***. He trips up on air!”

(The rest of us laugh while [Great Aunt] grows redder in the face. An hour later she gets up to leave. She doesn’t say goodbye or anything.)

Me: “What’s her problem?”

Grandmother: “She’s always been a b****. When [Great Uncle] was discharged after being outed, she cut him out of all her family pictures. I decided to return the favour, but mailed her all the cut outs with her eyes stabbed out.”

(This is how I learned how my great aunt came to be estranged. While my family is crazy, it’s nice to know most of them have good morals. I also learned my nephew’s favourite drag queen was Peppermint, who is also my favourite.)

Tell It Like It Is: Kids’ Edition

, , , , , | Related | May 31, 2018

(My sister has just had a baby, and also has a twenty-month-old daughter who is quite advanced with her speaking skills. Ever since she started walking, she also started running. No matter what my sister does, she cannot stop her from taking off as soon as they are out in public. After a scary chase through a car park, my sister resorts to using a harness and lead. They are walking along a busy road one day when a woman takes offence.)

Woman: “How disgusting; you are treating that child like a dog. Get that horrible thing off her right now.”

(My sister is not the type of person who would take this; she’s just about to tell the woman to mind her own business when her daughter beats her to it and cuts the woman off mid-sentence.)


Little Miss Attitude

, , , , , | Related | May 29, 2018

(My daughter is 16 months old and is still learning to talk. She doesn’t really reply with words yet when I appeal to her, just the basic toddler talk. She also knows she isn’t allowed in my room, and usually runs out when I call her. In this instance, she has just taken off down the hallway and right into my room while I’m in the living room.)

Me: “[Daughter]!”


Me: “[Daughter]!”

Daughter: *with as much attitude as a teenager* “What?!”

(I sat there in stunned silence for a moment before getting up to escort Little Miss Attitude out of my room.)

Someone Needs To Have An Urgent Conversation With Rufus

, , , , | Right | May 29, 2018

(A little girl around seven or eight years old comes into our store. She has a pastel pink unicorn plushie, identical to one we carry. She’s holding it and stroking it like a Bond villain with a cat. The display with these plushies is near the front door, and she walks straight to it.)

Girl: *normal little-girl voice* “Look, Rufus, it’s your cousins. Say hi!” *deep, gravelly voice* “Rufus cares not for these peasants. They shall burn with the other heretics. Away, vassal, to the candy aisle, where we shall feast upon the blood of the sugar cane plant!” *normal little-girl voice* “As you wish, Rufus.”

(She skips away cheerfully.)

Me: “…?”

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Putting Them Into An Inappropriate Pickle

, , , , , | Related | May 28, 2018

(I am in line for the checkout. There is a rather well-to-do mother with her daughter in front of me. The daughter is making a bit of a fuss because she isn’t allowed to get an ice cream. She looks to be about seven or eight.)

Mother: “[Daughter], please be quiet. You’re embarrassing me. If you’re on your good behaviour until we get home, I promise the Naughty-Man won’t bang on your walls tonight.”

Daughter: “Mother, I’m not a child anymore. I have known for years that the Naughty-Man is really just Father and Uncle [Uncle] playing Hide the Pickle!”

(The mother turned red faster than a traffic light and dragged her daughter out of the shop, disregarding any decorum she previously held.)

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