Not Buying It? Yeah, I’m Not Buying That

, , , , , , | Right | November 6, 2018

(I am a pharmacy technician. At the pharmacy where I work, we have those special shopping carts for small children, shaped like cars. I’m helping a family — a mom, teenage daughter, and a preschool girl, roughly four or five — with one such cart. They have a few items to ring out besides their prescriptions. I notice the little girl is holding something in her hands. Thinking it’s a toy her mom promised to buy her, I point it out to her sister.)

Me: *pointing at the girl* “Are you buying that, as well?”

Sister: “Buying… Oh, where did you get that?! May I see that? Thank you. We’re just going to put that over here.” *puts it on the counter, clearly not buying it*

(It was a bottle of shampoo, by the way. On closer inspection, the sister pulled out — I kid you not — over twenty more bottles of shampoo, conditioner, and other hair care products. The little girl must’ve grabbed everything when they drove through the beauty section. The sister was apologetic and everything, just glad I said something, as some of the stuff was really pricey, and everything in her car easily came out to over $100. The kid’s going to have really expensive tastes when she grows up!)

The Hero That A Galaxy Far, Far Away Needs

, , , , | Learning | November 6, 2018

(I am a primary school teacher. This story happens during recess. A random five-year-old has wandered up to me.)

Five-Year-Old: “I like Star Wars.”

Me: “That’s cool; so do I. Who’s your favourite character?”

Five-Year-Old: “BATMAN.”

Me: “…”

Five-Year-Old: “I’m a lollipop.”

The Family Blood Is Black

, , , , , , , | Related | November 4, 2018

(When I was in high school, I was pretty goth. Growing up I haven’t changed much, other than altering it to what I jokingly call “Casual Vampire Goth Mom,” now that I have a daughter who is currently six and a half. I just have a darker wardrobe with bold lipsticks. One day on Facebook I see one of those text pictures saying, “My daughter is the sweetest, most beautiful, evil, psychotic creature you will ever know,” and I share it with a story from this week.)

Daughter: “Remember when you used to take me to play funerals?”

Me: “Play funerals?”

Daughter: “Yeah, play funerals!”

Me: “Um… What did we do there?”

Daughter: “Ugh, play funerals! I was like three, there were moms, and lots of kids, and toys, and we would play while you talked to each other.”

Me: “You mean play group?!

Daughter: *starts laughing* “Oh, yeah. Play group.”

(My mother comments on the post.)

Mother: “Where have you been taking my granddaughter and telling her it’s fun?!”

Me: “You mean you never took me to play funerals when I was little? What kind of childhood did I have?”

Mother: “You used to have play funerals with your cousins; I wanted nothing to do with that.”

Me: “Oh, my God! I forgot about that! I’ve been goth since I was a wee baby, and now my own wee baby has it in her blood!”

A Baby Might Consider The Uterus A Cell, Of Sorts

, , , , , , | Learning | November 4, 2018

(I am volunteering at a science festival, doing science activities with children. We have an activity where it is relevant to mention that a baby is made from an egg and a sperm. The activity is specifically designed so that we never have to mention how these two get together in the first place, but we do name the two cells. I am supervising a girl of around nine, and a few other kids.)

Me: “The baby is made from two special cells from the mum and the dad. Does anyone know what the special cell from the mum is called?”

Nine-Year-Old: *raises hand excitedly, then calls out at the top of her voice* “Vagina!”

(I carefully avoid making eye contact with any of the other adults at the stand, knowing that I will not be able to contain myself if I do.)

Me: *very calmly* “You’re very close. That’s actually where the baby comes out of the mum.”

Some Adults Make It Public For A Living

, , , , , | Related | October 30, 2018

(I’ve always been a good reader, and I love reading and learning about new things. As such, when the time comes to learn about the birds and the bees, my mum gets me a book on the topic and tells me to ask her if I have any questions at all. I also like to know the reason behind everything, particularly the reason things are called particular names.)

Me: “Mum, I’ve just started this chapter about the new hair I’m going to get.”

Mum: “Yes, it might seem strange, but it’s totally normal.”

Me: “Okay. I’ve only read the first page, but I was wondering… Is it called ‘public hair’ because everyone can see it, like Dad’s beard?”

Mum: *laughing* “Um, I think you’ve misread a word there. Have another look.”

Me: “Oh, what does ‘pubic’ mean?”

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