Gorillas In The Twist

, , , , , | Related | January 10, 2020

(When I am a small child, I am terrified that there are monsters in my room at night.)

Me: “Mom! There’s a monster under my bed!”

Mom: “Will you knock it off? We go through this every night. There is no monster under your bed. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS MONSTERS!”

Me: “Mom?”

Mom: “Yes?”

Me: “There’s a gorilla under my bed.”

(She couldn’t tell me there were no such things as gorillas, now could she?)

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They’re Always Hungry At That Age

, , , , , | Related | January 2, 2020

([Nephew #1] is the recent big brother to two adorable twins. [Nephew #2] is his cousin. Both are four years old.)

Nephew #1: “[Baby #1] and [Baby #2] are so cute I could just eat them up.”

Nephew #2: “Yeah, I could eat them up! Except that we can’t because they are full of blood.”

Nephew #1: “No! It’s because they are full of bones and we would choke!”

(They fit in so well with our family.)

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Down The Hall, Past The Manners

, , , , | Related | January 1, 2020

(This story is about when my mom is a teenager. The first time my mom goes to a fancy-ish restaurant, at one point she needs to go to the bathroom.)

Mom: “Mom, I need to pee.”

Memaw: “Don’t say that! You need to use etiquette here!”

Mom: “Okay.”

(A few minutes later, the waiter comes.)

Mom: “Excuse me? Where’s the etiquette?”

Waiter: “…?”

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Kid Needs A Dressing Down

, , , | Learning | December 30, 2019

(I’ve been working as an intern for a kindergarten for a while, doing pretty simple tasks that don’t require a lot of responsibility, like playing with the kids and helping them with different tasks. We’re getting the kids ready for going outside, and I’m helping them get dressed. I don’t know quite yet what each kid can and can’t do. H***, I hardly know all of their names! I am helping one kid get dressed, putting on their winter clothes and such. My hair is an unusual colour, and a lot of kids have already commented on — and questioned — it.)

Me: *bend down to help a kid* “Okay, put your leg here!”

Kid: *reaches over to ruffle my hair*

(I help them get almost fully dressed, when one of the elder adults notices us.)

Adult: “Oh, [Kid] is tricking you now.” *smiling* “They’re an expert at dressing themselves.”

Me: *turns to look at the kid*

Kid: *most smug look I’ve seen on a four-year-old*

(Later, I put two and two together, and realized they probably just wanted to touch my hair! That was one sneaky kid.)

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Going Forward She Will Be All Sixes And Sevens  

, , , , , | Right | December 28, 2019

(I work at a popular tourist attraction in the UK. In order to visit, you need to have a membership that is paid annually. Children under six do not need a membership and get in for free, but once they reach six years old they are added on to their parent’s membership which increases the cost by about 25%. A family has just come in with a young girl. I check their membership and see that only the two adults are on the membership, not the child. As per policy, I need to ask if the child is old enough.)

Me: “Hello, sweetheart! And how old are you, then?”

Young Girl: “I’m five years old!” *holds up her hand to display five fingers*

Me: “Okay, that’s great! If you guys want to—”

(She turns to her dad with the proudest expression on her face.)

Young Girl: “I did it, Daddy! I told the lady I was five and not six like I am! Do I get an ice cream now?”

(I have never seen anyone look so embarrassed in my life as those parents. The whole thing amused me so much that I let the girl in for free, anyway, but I left a note on their membership account for next time they visit that the little girl needs to be added and paid for.)

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