Turn That Brown Upside-Down

, , , , | Related | July 23, 2018

(I am eight and at a work event with my mom. It is important to note that one of my mother’s coworkers and her kids are black.)

Me: “Mom, look! The Brown kids are here!”

Mom: “[My Name]!”

Me: “What? That’s their last name, right?”

Mom: “Oh. Yes it is.”

Usually It Means The Opposite

, , , , | Learning | July 23, 2018

(At church camp one year, I’m a small group leader for the fourth- and fifth-grade girls. We get paired up with the boys for crafts and games. One day, when we’re doing the craft, this happens. They’re making something with beads, and each color represents something.)

Craft Leader: *holds up white bead* “Who knows what white stands for?”

Kids: “Purity.”

Craft Leader: “Does anyone know what purity means?”

Boy: “Is that when your start to grow hair, and your body starts changing and stuff?”

(Cue every adult in the room trying not to laugh.)

Hard As Snails

, , , , | Friendly | July 17, 2018

(I am in a pottery class at my summer camp. A young boy, probably about four, is making clay snails. The counselor teaching the class is talking to him about them.)

Counselor: “Where are its kids?”

Boy: “It is a kid!”

Counselor: “Where are its parents?”

Boy: “They died!”

(Everyone else in the room stares in silence.)

Barbie Is Pooped

, , , | Learning | July 16, 2018

(I teach toddlers at a preschool. Being toilet trained is required for moving up to the next class. Some of my students of late have stubbornly refused to become trained, so I’ve stepped up my toilet training curriculum. We talk about the process frequently and read little books on the subject. As a result, they’ve become more interested. The bathroom in my classroom is just big enough to contain a toilet, a sink, and a chair for the teacher, and is open to the classroom. One of my students runs into the bathroom with a naked Barbie doll. She bends the legs and sits the doll on the edge of the toilet.)

Toddler: “Teacher [My Name]! Barbie go potty!”

(It’s a little weird, but she’s interested, so I decide to encourage it.)

Me: “Good job, Barbie!”

Toddler: “Barbie go poop now!”

Me: “That’s awesome! Barbie will get a sticker for going potty!”

(I found this hilarious, so I took a picture of the scene to send to her mother later. In the half-second I turned to set the camera on my desk behind me, the student generously gave Barbie a dip in the toilet. She proudly held up the dripping doll. I completed Barbie’s spa treatment with a liberal spray of bleach water and soap. Toddlers are fun.)

B-Stow Upon You New B-Words

, , , , , , , | Related | July 13, 2018

(I’m celebrating my 30th birthday with a group of friends and family at a restaurant. There’s a twenty-year age gap between my cousins and me, and one of the little ones has just turned ten a few days ago. She comes up to me as I’m eating:)

Cousin: “Hey! I need to tell you something.”

Me: “What’s up, kiddo?”

Cousin: “I’m ten now, and I’m allowed to say the B word!”

Me: “Which one? Bulls***, b*****d, or b****?”

Cousin: *looks at me like I’ve just told her how to get to Narnia* “ALL OF THEM!” *walks away*

Me: “Aaaand I think I just taught her a couple of new swear words.”

My Friend: “Your aunt is going to kill you.”

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