We Entirely Concur

, , , , | Related | September 17, 2020

We are eating dinner. My two-and-a-half-year-old has just eaten a bite that was a bit too hot.

Me: “Drink some water; that will make you feel better.”

Daughter: *Crying* “[Mumbled] will feel me better.”

Me: “What will make you feel better?”

Daughter: *Still crying* “Dessert!”

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Greenlit This Kid For The Future

, , , , | Right | September 8, 2020

I work at a big department store and I am walking by our toy department when I witness a boy, around eleven or thirteen, throw a soft rubber ball at the woman watching him.

Woman: *To me* “Did you see that?”

Me: *Doubling back to the aisle* “I did.”

Woman: “Do you see how I’m treated?”

Me: *Chuckling a little* “That’s not cool, dude.”

Boy: “But I was excited! I was expressing my excitement.”

Woman: “By throwing a ball at me?”

Boy: “It’s green, and I was happy there was a green option. It’s my favorite color.”

Me: “If it’s your favorite color, why would you want to throw it away from you?”

Boy: “I was sharing my excitement.”

Woman: “Okay, right. Well, we have to go meet your mother. Let’s go.”

The woman takes the ball and sets it down in a bin of puzzles immediately in front of her.

Boy: “Seriously? Seriously.”

Woman: “Yeah, let’s go.”

Boy: “Can I just show you something?”

Woman: “No.”

Boy: “Just watch.”

He picks up the ball and counts his steps back down the aisle.

Boy: “One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Five steps.”

He puts the ball back in its place.

Boy: “It’s not that hard.”

Woman: “Your parents raised you well. Now let’s go.”

Laughing, I gave the boy a fist-bump and wished them both a great night.

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But What If They Come At Her With A Pointed Stick?!

, , , | Related | September 3, 2020

Lately, my six-year-old daughter has been rather obsessed with the idea of fighting bad guys. Maybe I’ve been letting her watch too many shows about kid superheroes. Who knows?

One day, I collect her from afternoon care and see that she’s made a paper mask and is carrying a couple of sticks she picked up. When I ask her about them, she explains:

Daughter: “This is my superhero mask, and this stick is for threatening people so they go away. But if they don’t go away, I have this other one so I can stab them in the heart so they die.”

Me: “Wow, that sounds pretty violent.”

Daughter: “Yes, that’s why I made this creepy mask. It’s to scare them away, because I don’t want to have to be a murderer. Because then I would have to go to kid jail, and then I could never go to a sleepover again.”

I’m honestly not sure how I’m supposed to respond to that. I can’t fault her logic, at least! And for the record, no, she has never tried to stab anyone in real life.

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A Cute Mis-Steak

, , , , | Right | August 27, 2020

I am about six years old. My family is out at a steakhouse to celebrate my older cousin’s first communion. I have just learned how to read and want to impress my family by not only reading the kids’ menu but ordering all by myself. I decide on the kid’s steak, but since I have never ordered food at a restaurant on my own before, it doesn’t occur to me that beef is cooked and served in different ways.

Waitress: *Turning to me* “And what do you want, sweetie?”

Me: “The kid’s steak, please.”

Waitress: “Okay, how do you want that cooked?”

Me: “Um… hot, please!”

Cue all of my adult relatives and the waitress laughing at the response. It’s been nearly fifteen years since that day, and my family still considers it one of the funniest and cutest moments of my childhood.

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Sequel To The Children’s Classic, “My Teacher Sleeps In School”, Part 2

, , , , , , | Related | August 22, 2020

When my brother is about five or so, he is at a grocery store with my mom. They happen to see our pediatrician there shopping for groceries, too. He and my mom greet each other, but my brother is confused.

Brother: “What are you doing here?”

Doctor: “I’m getting some things for dinner.”

Brother: “Don’t they give you food at the office?”

Doctor: “Sometimes people bring in food, but I’m having dinner at home with my family.”

Brother: “You have a home?”

Doctor: “[Brother], I don’t live at my office.”

For bonus points, our grandfather and two uncles are doctors, and Mom’s a nurse — and my brother was well aware that none of them lived at their offices or hospitals!

Sequel To The Children’s Classic, “My Teacher Sleeps In School”

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