I was babysitting my niece the evening before her sixth birthday while her mom was working and her dad (my brother-in-law) was at his rehearsal. I had just arrived, and my brother-in-law was getting ready to leave, when a package was delivered.

Brother-In-Law: *To my niece* “It’s probably for your birthday. Do you want to open it now or wait for mommy?”

My niece started jumping up and down excitedly.

Niece: “Open it now!”

My brother-in-law opened the package, and the first thing we can see was the packing air pillows that are used to cushion the contents.

Brother-In-Law: “Oh, look! It’s air!”

Niece: “Oh, I always wanted air!”

I’m working as a substitute teacher in a kindergarten class.

Boy #1: “Teacher, [Boy #2] said the H-word!”

Boy #2: “What the h*** is the H-word?”

I had to turn away because I started laughing.

Some sixty years ago, Mom purchased one of those skinny sets of encyclopedias one found at the grocery store. If you spent a certain amount of money each week, you got each progressive volume for a discounted price or for free.

According to my mother (I remember NONE of this except the encyclopedias themselves), I could not get enough of those encyclopedias. I would start at A, read it through, and keep going all the way to Z. Then, I would start over. I also read them aloud to my younger brother, which means I had to be at least eight years old.

On a Sunday, after we got home from church and were still sitting in the car, my little brother piped up out of the blue to ask:

Brother: “How does the baby get in the mommy’s tummy?”

Mom said that she and Dad looked at each other, looked at my brother and at me, and then looked at each other again.

Mom: “We were expecting that question, but from you, not your brother. And we had no idea what to say.”

They didn’t have to say anything, as it turned out.

I apparently sighed with all the frustration of a very old person put through the wringer and said:

Me: “For heaven’s sake, [Brother]. Don’t you remember? I read you the article about whales. It said in the story how whales make babies, and Mommies and Daddies do things pretty much the same.”

Brother: “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

My parents heaved a huge sigh of relief. And I probably went into the house, grabbed the encyclopedia, and began another reading cycle.

I am shopping with my four-year-old daughter when a store employee walks down the aisle and passes us.

Employee: “Excuse me, ladies.”

My daughter immediately and loudly states:

Daughter: “We are not ladies!”

For the past five summers, I’ve worked in a camp’s “petting zoo” room. There are many reasons I love my job, but one of them is the hilarious and adorable things I hear from the kids, especially the youngest.

This boy is about five years old.

Boy: “Where does [Iguana] go at night?”

Me: “All of the animals stay here.”

Boy: “But what if they eat each other?”

Me: “They’re fine; they all stay in their own cages.”

Boy: “But how do you keep them safe?”

Me: “What do you think is here at night that could hurt them?”

He pauses for a beat.

Boy: “Ghosts! What if the ghosts get her?”

Me: “Uh… [Iguana] isn’t afraid of ghosts.”

Boy: “Is that because she’s a grownup?”

Me: *Pause* “Yes, that’s it.”

Boy: “Okay.” *Points at a turtle* “Is she afraid of ghosts?”