Children Of The Cornleaves

, , , , , | Learning | November 17, 2018

(I’m reading a book to a class of four- and five-year-olds. Many of them read the book several times last fall, so I’m curious to see if any of them remember.)

Me: “There was an old lady who swallowed some leaves; I don’t know why she swallowed some leaves, perhaps she’ll—”

Class: *in unison* “DIE.”

(Sneeze. The answer was sneeze.)

The Spider, The Penguin, And The Cupboard Prove To Be Less Successful Than Lions, Witches, And Wardrobes

, , , , , , | Related | November 16, 2018

(I’m looking after my nieces, who are all playing games on their tablets. My youngest niece likes playing a game where she can populate a virtual house with people, animals, and accessories. The following exchanges take place on two different days.)

Five-Year-Old: “These are my dogs. I have lots of them.”

Me: “That’s nice.”

Five-Year-Old: “I trapped this dog’s tail in the cupboard, though.”

Me: “How did that happen?”

Five-Year-Old: “Her tail was sticking out when I put her in the cupboard.”

Me: “Why was she in the cupboard?”

Five-Year-Old: “Because there isn’t room anywhere else.”

(A few seconds later:)

Five-Year-Old: “Look! I have horses, too.”

Seven-Year-Old: “Why don’t you put a horse in the cupboard so there’s room for the dog?”

Five-Year-Old: *suddenly indignant* “Because it won’t fit!”

(The next day, they are playing this game again.)

Five-Year-Old: “Look at my house!”

Me: “Is this the house where you have a dog in the cupboard?”

Five-Year-Old: *scrolls across to the cupboard, and opens it* “There isn’t a dog in there. It’s a penguin.”

(A few seconds later:)

Five-Year-Old: “I’m putting a spider in the freezer.”

(I’m truly afraid for when she gets her own house.)

Little Girl Sworn To Secrecy By Older Sibling Finds Loophole By Talking Baloney

, , , , , , | Related | November 15, 2018

My father, the youngest of four, was born in the mid-thirties, so this would have taken place in the late forties.

One day he discovered that his mother had brought home a whole salami, and thought he’d just have a little bit. Temptation got the better of him, and his sister caught him polishing off the last of it. He swore her to secrecy, saying, “No matter what, you don’t know anything about the salami.”

An hour later, their mother walked in and his sister walked up to her and said, without any prompt, “What salami?”

Growing Up With Two Daddies Appears To Be Reasonable To A Child From Day One

, , , , , | Related | November 14, 2018

(My father is an identical twin. When both he and his brother were in the military and my uncle was visiting, I was about two. My mother and I had an interesting conversation.)

Mom: *pointing at my uncle* “Who’s that?”

Me: “That’s Daddy!”

Mom: *pointing at my father* “Who’s that?”

Me: “Two daddies!”

(I’m sure it seemed reasonable to me at the time.)

Telling Children Milk Makes Them Grow Tall Calls Into Question Drinking Habits Of Short Mothers

, , , , | Related | November 13, 2018

(I don’t have kids of my own, but I have lots of nieces and nephews, and I enjoy every minute around them. My sister is feeding her three-year-old son.)

Sister: *cheerfully hands him a cup of milk* “Drink it, my little boy! Drink it, and you will grow to be so tall and strong!”

Boy: *drinking, it really excited* “As tall as [Tall Guy he knows]?”

Sister: “Yes! As tall as him!”

Boy: *still excited* “And as tall as [Another Tall Guy]?!”

Sister: “Yes! You will be even taller than both of them!”

Boy: *suddenly stops drinking and looks at my sister, confused* “Mom, you didn’t finish your milk when you were little?”

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