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Beer Understands, And So Do Kids

, , , , | Right | November 15, 2021

I work in a small independent gift shop. I’m the only person working, and a lady comes in with her two young kids.

On one of the shelves, there is a coaster that says, “BEER doesn’t ask silly questions. BEER understands.”

Little Boy: *Pointing to the coaster* “Mummy, would that be good for you? ‘Cause you drink a lot?”

I had to try really hard not to laugh.

What A Sweet Child

, , , , , , | Related | October 30, 2021

My little sister is sick and my dad’s busy helping her, so he asks me to fetch the paracetamol from the fridge. I’m no older than ten, so I have not been allowed to open the box it’s in before. However, I have seen the outside of the box many times and it advertises in large bold letters that it is SUGAR-FREE.

I pass the bottle that was in the box and one of those double-sided medicine spoons to my dad, and I look at the inside of the box in confusion. Throughout this conversation, I’m almost oblivious to the fact that my dad is a little preoccupied with a less-than-happy toddler.

Me: “Where’s the sugar?”

Dad: “Why?”

Me: “I can’t find it.”

Dad: “It’s where you won’t be able to eat it.”

Me: “But I wanna.”

Dad: “Not now, [My Name].”

Me: “But I wanted to eat the free sugar.”

Dad: “Free? What?”

Me: “The free sugar. It says it right here, see? But it’s not in the box.”

Dad: “That’s not… Look, I’ll explain later. Put this away, please?”

Me: “Can I have some?”

Dad: “I said no sugar.”

Me: “I know. Can I have some of the parry-seat-moll?”

Dad: “Are you sick?”

Me: “No.”

Dad: “Then no. Just put it away.”

To my dad’s credit, he did explain later that “sugar-free” didn’t mean it came with free sugar. I was very disappointed.

Why Is Six Afraid Of This Little Girl?

, , , , , , | Right | CREDIT: gashfister | October 28, 2021

One day, I have a mother and child, maybe four years old, pull up to the checkout. Among other things, they have a pile of those painter poles that you hook the roller onto.

Me: “How many poles do you have?”

The mother doesn’t bother to look.

Mother: “Seven.”

The girl bounces onto the shopping trolley and exclaims:

Daughter:No, Mum, you have nine!”

She says this as if she’s asking, “How can you not know that?”

Mother: “No, I don’t. I have seven.”

Daughter: “No, Mum, you have nine. See?”

She grabs each individual one as she counts, very proud of how well she knows her numbers.

Daughter: “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine! See, Mum? Nine!”

Me: “Thank you. You’re so good at counting!” *Turning to the mother* “Looks like you have nine, Mum.”

The mother didn’t speak another word after that. She just paid and left.

That little girl made my day.

Feeling Troubled Leads To Trouble

, , , , , | Related | October 16, 2021

Three-Year-Old: “I’M IN TROUBLE!”

Spouse: “What’s going on?”

Me: “She’s upset because I won’t go play with her upstairs.”

Spouse: “Is she in trouble?”

Me: “No, she’s upset to the same degree she is upset when she gets herself into trouble. She thinks that ‘in trouble’ means the level of upset she feels when I tell her she’s in trouble, not the consequences of that level of upset.”

Spouse: “Ah.”

Me: “Give her a minute. If she and I can’t come to an agreement on a place to play that doesn’t involve deadlifting children, she’ll start shouting and get into actual trouble instead of just feeling like it.”

Communicating With Toddlers Isn’t All Black And White

, , , , , | Related | October 8, 2021

Me: “What do you want for breakfast? Oatmeal? Eggs? Yogurt? Peanut butter and jelly?”

Toddler: “I want white and black.”

Me: “What’s ‘white and black’?”

Toddler: “It’s white and black!”

Me: “Maybe you’d better show me.”

My toddler opens the fridge and points at the plain yogurt.

Toddler: “White.”

My toddler points at some homemade cherry jam.

Toddler: “Black.”

Me: “Oh, you want cherry yogurt, like what Daddy made you for breakfast last weekend!”

Toddler: *Happily* “White and black!”

Me: “We’d better take a picture to send to your father so he knows what it is when you ask him for it again.”