, , , , , | Related | March 14, 2018

(I’m three years old and I am with my teenage uncle and grandmother. Grandma makes me a peanut butter sandwich, and my uncle gets a movie for me to watch.)

Me: *watches the tape go into the VCR* “Where go?!”

Uncle: “It ate it! Om nom nom.” *goes into next room*

Me: *studies the apparently hungry VCR*

Grandma: *comes into room* “Where’s your sandwich, [My Name]?”

Me: “It ate it!”

Grandma: “What ate it?”

Me: “Om nom nom!”

Uncle: *from next room* “Oh, no.”

(Yup. I fed my peanut butter sandwich to the VCR. Over 20 years later, my family still tells this story.)

Slick Parenting

, , , , | Right | March 12, 2018

(We sell a certain brand of collectible stuffed animals that are very popular with kids. It’s a very common occurrence to see kids asking their parents for these. A dad and his little girl come to the cash with one of the stuffed animals, and the girl is very excited.)

Me: “Good choice! He’s one of my favorites!”

Girl: “What’s his name?

(They come with names printed in the tags.)

Me: “Slick.”

Girl: “Slick. He’s so cute! Slick, Slick, Slick.” *matter of fact* “It’s a good thing we can use the credit card. You should always keep your credit card on you, in case you need it to buy things!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “That’s… very good advice.”

Dad: “Especially when you have children.”

(I couldn’t stop laughing after that; they made my day!)

The Tweenage Years

, , , | Related | March 12, 2018

(I’m a six-year-old girl. A lot of my classmates have “boyfriends.” I have just asked my dad if I could have a boyfriend.)

Dad: “No, [My Name], you can’t have a boyfriend. You’re too young!”

Me: “Daddy, I’m six years old. I’m almost a teenager.”

Maybe If Daddy Did The Shopping More Often…

, , , , | Friendly | March 11, 2018

(My father-in-law and I are in the checkout lane of a grocery store. A woman with a child around three or four is in front of us. The little girl is in the cart handing stuff to her mother. She smiles and says hello to my father-in-law.)

Father-In-Law: “My, but you are a big girl, helping your mommy!”

Girl: “I always help my mommy and daddy!”

(The mother is smiling proudly.)

Father-In-Law: “I bet your daddy thinks you are a big help.”

Girl: “Mommy says Daddy is an a**hole.”

(The mother turned several shades of red and hurried out of the store. That was the last time my father-in-law talked to children in the grocery store checkout lane.)

A Room To Keep Your Delicates

, , , , , | Right | March 11, 2018

(I’m a babysitter and my latest child, who’s six, likes to hide things. There happens to be a pile of laundry on the sofa.)

Me: “Where are the keys?”

Child: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Keys.”

Child: “Look around.”

(It goes back and forth until…)

Child: “I put it in the panty.”

(I go directly to the clothes pile.)

Child: “Why are you looking in the clothes?”

Me: “All right, which bedroom?”

Child: “I told you, in the panty! Go look in the panty!”

(I go check all the bedrooms, find nothing, and go back downstairs.)

Child: “I told you to look in the panty; you don’t look in panty! Silly!”

Me: “Enough! Just take me there.”

(The child stares at me, then pulls me over to the little room next to the kitchen and opens the door.)

Me: “Oh! You meant ‘pantry’!”

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