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Don’t Worry, Kid; It Took Me Until My Twenties To Like Sushi

, , , , , , | Related | September 14, 2022

The public library I work at has a very large selection of cookbooks. It’s a popular section, even with the availability of recipes online. I’m shelving books when I hear this exchange between a dad and his very young son in the next aisle.

Dad: “All right, kiddo, if we’re gonna start learning to cook together, we need to find a book with recipes we want to try.”

Son: “How about this one?!”

Dad: “Why don’t we decide what we want for dinner first and then pick a book about that?”

Son: “Okay… This one!”

Dad: “Hmm… I don’t know. I’m pretty sure you just picked that because of the cover.”

Son: “But it looks so goooooooood!”

Dad: “It’s sushi. Do you want sushi for dinner?”

Son: “Yes! I want sushi!”

Dad: “So you know what sushi is?”

Son: “Umm… no?”

Dad: “It’s raw fish.”

The son is very quiet for several seconds, before whispering:

Son: “I don’t want sushi.”

That’s A Fair Question When You’re Five

, , , , , , | Related | August 29, 2022

In 2016, my paternal great-grandfather passed in his sleep. Out of my siblings, only my youngest sister and I went to the viewing where the casket is left open for people to pay respects. My sister was only five at the time and, as it is with many small children, she had no filter whatsoever.

As we were walking toward the casket to pay our respects, my sister saw my great-grandfather’s head from her viewpoint and just had to share this little gem of a comment.

Sister: “Why is there a head in that box?”

She said it extremely loudly. Cue the family that already hates my siblings and me glaring daggers at us.


, , , , , , | Related | August 25, 2022

It’s the mid- to late 2000s, and LOLCats meme culture is at its height. This has given rise to a pattern of Internet speech in which something (usually an animal, but not always) is described as “having a(n) [adjective]”, e.g., “That cat is having a sad,” and, “That dog has a soft,” etc. I am in middle school and my friends and I are not only deeply immersed in this, but we think it makes us super cool and interesting.

One day, I am in the car with my mom when I spot the neighbor’s outdoor cat Cheddar, who is quite fat.

I say, with the sage confidence only an eleven-year-old can muster:

Me: “Aww, Cheddar has a chubby!”

Do… Do Your Lizards Wear Pants?

, , , , , , , , | Right | August 19, 2022

For the past five summers, I’ve worked in a camp’s “petting zoo” room. There are many reasons I love my job, but one of them is the hilarious and adorable things I hear from the kids, especially the youngest.

Most of our animals are secondhand from Craigslist or Facebook ads, and a lot of them are… less than “gently-used,” we’ll say. The lizards in particular often come missing bits.

This girl is about five years old.

Girl: “Why is the iguana missing her tail?”

Me: “It fell off when she was in her old home.”

Girl: “But how did it fall off?”

Me: “We don’t know. There was some sort of accident.”

Girl: *Confused whisper* “She… she maked in her pants?”

Me: “Not that kind of accident.”

My boss tells me that children saying they “need to make” is a Jewish-ism that came from Yiddish and not something gentiles say. So, for anyone who was confused, she was asking if the iguana had the potty sort of accident.

Kids Are So Freakin’ Weird

, , , , , , , | Related | August 15, 2022

I was visiting my sister, and her young son stopped playing on a tablet to run up to me to greet me. I gave him the usual greeting and a hug and a kiss.

Nephew: “I didn’t give you a kiss.”

Me: “Oh, I’d love a kiss from you.”

I knelt down so he could reach my cheek, but rather than the quick peck I’d expected, I got an open-mouthed attack on my cheek, followed by his licking my cheek during the kiss.

When he pulled back, he had a big grin on his face showing he was intentionally playing some sort of prank on me and was proud of it.

Me: “Did you just lick me?”

Nephew: “Uh-huh.”

Me: “Why?”

Nephew: “I’m French!”

He then ran back to his tablet and whatever game he had on it, giggling.

Me: “Did your son just try to give me a French kiss?”

Sister: “I don’t know where he learned that!”