(I do some acting lessons and groups at a company as a teen. The backstage area is pretty dirty and has a lot of spider webs as a result.)

Me: “There are two spiders right there and they are kind of big!”

Friend #1: “Ahh, really?”

Me: “What should we do? I don’t want to go near them, because I have a little arachnophobia.”

Friend #1 & Friend #2: “Me, too!”

Friend #2: “But tarantulas are pretty cute.”

Friend #1: “Yeah, they are, so furry!”

Friend #2: “Aww, and their adorable eyes!”

(They continued to talk about their love of tarantulas as I stared up at the spiders, wondering how they could say they were afraid of spiders when they found tarantulas to be cute.)

(I am sharing an apartment with a now ex-friend. We get along well until one day, without warning, she ends up taking around $200 worth of my stuff and selling it off so she can have some pocket money. I am, naturally, really upset with this. The police get called, and we recover about two-thirds of the stuff, and she ends up being required to pay the difference. Among the stuff we manage to recover are a few older books that were a gift from my late grandfather, which were the things that I was most afraid to lose. After this, I cut ties with that friend very thoroughly. However, we have mutual friends that still are in contact with each other. I never tried to force them to cut ties with her or anything, but I likewise never shied away from being up-front about what she had done.)

Mutual Friend: *via text* “Hey, [My Name]. Do you have a copy of [Book]?”

Me: “Yeah. I have the whole series.”

Mutual Friend: “It’s a series?”

Me: “Yep. It’s really good.”

Mutual Friend: “Cool. Hey, can [Ex-Friend] borrow it? We were talking, and she mentioned how much she enjoyed it when she was living with you.”

Me: *kind of shocked at what I’m reading* “Are you kidding me?”

Mutual Friend: “What?”

Me: “She stole from me! This was one of the things she tried to steal! Why would I ever lend it or anything to her?”

Mutual Friend: “Oh. Well, that was a while ago, though.”

Me: “No no no no no no no. I am not lending her anything.”

Mutual Friend: *after about twenty minutes of silence* “Could you lend me the book?”

Me: “Are you planning to turn around and hand it to her?”

(Total silence after that, and that particular mutual friend is now looking like another ex-friend, as she has stopped speaking with me. Sooo sorry for being defensive after being burned by a thief in the past.)

(I don’t work. In this day and age, it’s a controversial choice. I’ve yet to find a non-awkward way to answer. Here are a few attempts:)

Them: “So, what do you do?”

Me: “Mostly cooking and cleaning.”

Them: “No, for a job.”

Me: “I don’t have one.”

Them: *awkward silence*

(Another time:)

Them: “So, what type of job do you have?”

Me: “None.”

Them: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m disabled.”

Them: *starts giving medical advice or alternatives to traditional work*

Me: *grins and bears it*

(Another time, with my partner:)

Them: “[Partner], you work so hard! [My Name], what do you do?”

Me: “Make sure she has a nice meal to come home to.”

Them: “You don’t work?! That’s very selfish of you!” *starts ranting*

Partner: *interrupts* “The last time she overdid it, she wound up in bed with a three-day fever. She doesn’t work. That’s fine. I make enough for both of us.”

(Unfortunately, this leads to us never talking to them again, because my partner hates them and they treat me like a leech. I really don’t know how to handle the job question.)

(I’m about 12 years old. I am a victim of bullying, and all my friends have ditched me. After a particularly rough day, I am visually upset, and I decide to stop by a burger joint on my way home from school.)

Me: “How much is a slider?”

Employee #1: “$2.06.”

Me: “I only have t-two dollars.”

Employee #1: “That’s okay. Are you feeling all right? What’s the matter?”

Me: “My friends aren’t v-very nice p-people. And I’m-m being b-bullied at school.”

Employee #2: *handing me a cup*

Me: “Oh, sir, I think you m-misheard-d me.”

Employee #2: “It’s okay. The soda machine is over there.”

Me: “Thank you, thank you!”

Cook: “Do you like cheese on your burger?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

(I fill my cup with soda and return to the cashier to pick up my burger)

Employee #1: *handing me a bag* “Here’s some ketchup.”

(I look inside the bag and there are two burgers in there!)

Me: “Ma’am, there are two burgers in here.”

Employee #2: “Our treat. Things will get better, I promise.”

Cook: “Those people are not your friends. I’ll be your new friend. I’ll be new… What do people call it today? I’ll be ‘bae.’ If you ever want to talk to someone, come in and ask for [Cook].”

Me: *laughing, for the first time in a week* “Thank you guys so, so, so much.”

Employee #1: “Do you live far away? Should I walk with you?”

Me: “No, no, it’s okay. I just live a few blocks away.”

Employee #1: “Come back any time. We’re here.”

Employee #2: *picking up a broom, swinging it around in the air* “That’s what happens if people hurt you again. I’ll break them to pieces.”

(I’m laughing hard by now. The employees look really pleased.)

Me: “Thank you guys so much. I really appreciate it. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Cook: “keep me updated!”

Employee #2: “Yeah, we want the juice!”

(I have made friends with a young Thai woman who is staying in America for one year as an au pair. She is still learning English, so as a favor, I install and teach her to use Rosetta Stone for American English on her computer. Today, we are having lunch together in a restaurant and as a joke, I start imitating the voice from Rosetta Stone.)

Friend: *takes a sip of water*

Me: “The girl is drinking.”

Friend: *eats a bite of food*

Me: “The girl is eating.”

Friend: *drinks more water*

Me: “The girl is drinking.”

Friend: “The boy is shut up!”