Oh My Zeus!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 13, 2017

(I’m sitting at a friend’s house on a stormy Saturday night. There are usually several people around on the weekend, but no one else is out during the storm. We are sitting at the kitchen table, discussing how boring it is.)

Friend: “I wish it’d f****** stop raining.”

Me: “Yeah. What a crappy night.”

(Suddenly, my friend jumps up from the table and throws open the back door.)

Friend: *flips off the storm* “F*** you, Zeus!”

(Almost instantly, a lightning strike hits very close to the house and the thunder is almost deafening. My friend closes the door, turns around, white as a sheet, and sits back down.)

Me: “Don’t you ever do that again.”

(He and I both worked with electricity and electronics. After that, anytime something went wrong and created a spark, we said that Zeus was angry.)

Flush That Idea Immediately!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2017

(I keep aquariums. At one point I debate giving away my current fish so I can house a different type, and I mention it to a friend.)

Friend: “Well, you could always just flush them. I mean, all pipes lead to the ocean, right?”

Me: “…okay, first problem with that, they would first fall into an ocean of s***. Second problem, they’d end up in a treatment facility, which would kill them if they weren’t dead already. Third problem, they’re freshwater fish.”

(I ended up giving the few large cold-water fish I had to a fellow fish-keeper so I could get many small tropical fish. People, if you no longer want your pets, PLEASE don’t try to “release them to the wild!” They will either die or wreak havoc on the local ecosystem.)

Death By Chocolate

, , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2017

(An elderly man from my church has recently passed away. The day after the funeral, a group of us meet at a friend’s house for dinner. We’re playing some board games when some little cakes get brought out for dessert.)

Friend #1: “These are leftovers from [Recently Deceased Man’s] funeral.”

Friend #2: “As long as they’re not leftovers of [Recently Deceased Man].”

Me: “He always was a sweet guy.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Friend #3: *trying to recover from laughing* “That’s awful!”

Me: “Hey, he got his just desserts.”

(When it comes to jokes, dark humour is a piece of cake.)

The Best People To Be The Best Person With

, , , , , | Hopeless | September 10, 2017

My friend of 13 years was getting married. A few months before his wedding I came out as non-binary. I was my friend’s “best person,” and, knowing that weddings are very gendered, I told him and his fiancée that it was okay, I could still act “like a girl” for his events and their big day, and be referred to as such.

They said that it may not be necessary to do that, and they would do what they could so everyone, including me, would be happy and have a good time.

First, my friend asked which party I wanted to attend: the bachelor or bachelorette. He also listed me in the program and referred to me by the gender-neutral “best person” honorific, and his fiancée sent the tuxedo rental place information so they could get me a custom suit.

Finally, I sat down at the wedding dinner and saw that my place card said, “Mx.,” a neutral alternative to “Mr”. or “Ms.”!

I am still not out to everyone, due to family and work concerns, so being recognized in these ways, especially on their day, nearly made me cry.

No Springing Bok From This

, , , , | Friendly | September 10, 2017

(My friends and I are all big Rugby supporters. At one point one of my friends introduces us to a young female couple that she knows. To put it mildly, they are both quite opinionated and rude, but because my friend likes them, I resolve to be civil to them. During the 2007 Rugby World Cup, South Africa looks likely to win it, and one of the girls starts putting up all manner of patriotic South Africa posts. For the final, she turns up at the bar wearing her Springbok jersey and goes crazy when they beat England to win. After, we’re all having a drink and she has an annoying smug grin on her face. My friend and my housemate are also there with me as well.)

Friend’s Friend: “Oh my God, I am so PROUD to be South African today!”

Me: “So, which part of your family is South African?”

Friend’s Friend: “My dad used to live there.”

Housemate: “He was born there?”

Friend’s Friend: “No, he was born in Rusholme; his parents lived there.”

Me: “So, his parents are South African then?”

(Suddenly, the girl gives me a really nasty look as if I’ve touched a nerve.)

Friend’s Friend: “Well…no, they’re from England.”

(Almost immediately, my friends and I exchange some worried glances. We can tell this conversation won’t end well.)

Friend: “So, did he grow up and go to school there at least?”

Friend’s Friend: “No, they just lived there for a couple years.”

Me: “Umm… so, you’re not South African then?”

Friend’s Friend: “What are you talking about? Of course, I am!”

Housemate: “You just said none of your family is South African, that means that you’re not either!”

Friend’s Friend: “My dad lived there, that makes me South African!”

Me: “My mum briefly lived in Japan as a child, but she doesn’t tell go around telling people she’s Japanese!”

Friend’s Friend: “ARE YOU ALL F****** STUPID? I’M A BLOODY SPRINGBOK, BORN AND BRED!”

Friend: “Sweetie, I’m sorry, but you’re not! You need to be a South African citizen, or at least have ancestry from there, to be what you’re claiming. Your dad living there doesn’t automatically make you a Bok!”

(Suddenly, the girl let out a really loud scream, which turned a lot of heads toward her, before storming out of the bar with her girlfriend in tow. She refused to speak to any of us again after that, and when we would see her on nights out she would avoid us like the plague. We heard through a mutual friend that she claimed we had “ruined her life” through our observations. Not really sure how she thought citizenship worked, but clearly she had the wrong idea.)

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