The Explosive Subject Of Contraception

, , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2017

(I’m talking quietly to a female friend about birth control at a party.)

Me: “So, my doctor recommended I get an IUD inserted—”

Eavesdropping Male Friend: *loudly* “Why’d your doctor tell you to get an IED inserted?”

(I had to explain to a roomful of people that no, my doctor hadn’t told me to get an improvised explosive device implanted in me.)

Unable To See The Weight Of The Matter

, , , , | Friendly | August 30, 2017

(I’ve just gotten out of the hospital for a busted appendix. I’ve been in the hospital for about a week due to complications, and before that I was walking around with an inflamed appendix for another five days. This means I haven’t had a real meal or solid food for almost two weeks, since I was too nauseous before going to the hospital to eat much. As a result, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, and I didn’t have all that much to spare. I’m returning to my dorm, where a friend, who visited me in the hospital, lives across the hall from me.)

Me: *opening the door to my room*

Friend: *hears from her room and pops out of her room* “Hi! You’re back! How are you feeling?”

Me: “Pretty good! I’m still in some pain, but I’ve got medicine.”

Friend: “Wow! You lost a lot of weight!”

Me: “Yeah, well, I haven’t really eaten any solid food in two weeks.”

Friend: “Good job! You look great!” *goes back in room and shuts door*

Me: *speechless*

(I don’t know if she wasn’t paying attention or was actually promoting anorexia, but it soon became clear she had some other problems and we drifted apart. Probably for the best.)

You Need Betta Friends

, , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2017

(I have a cat, a 50-gallon saltwater aquarium, and a 5-gallon aquarium containing only a single betta fish, who is the pride of my fish collection. A family emergency requires me to be away from home unexpectedly for a month, so I call in what I think is a trusted friend to watch my pets and my house for me while I’m away. On my way home, I get a text from said friend.)

Friend: “I got you a surprise! I can’t wait until you see it when you get back!”

(I arrive back at home and find, to my horror, that my house is trashed, my cat is missing, the heater to the saltwater aquarium has been unplugged, and most of the fish have subsequently died in the cold winter weather. My betta is dead and there is another one in his tank that has badly shredded fins, indicating that they have fought to the death. Furious, and frantically searching for my cat, I call my friend over.)

Me: “What the h*** happened?! Most of my fish are dead and my cat is missing!”

Friend: “What are you talking about? Your pets are fine.”

Me: “Why is the heater to the saltwater tank unplugged?!”

Friend: “The water felt too warm, so I thought I’d let it cool down a little so they don’t cook to death.”

Me: “They’re tropical fish! The house is cold! The water was just right for them!”

(I drag her over to the betta tank.)

Me: “And what is this?!”

Friend: “That’s your surprise! The tank looked so empty with only one fish in it, so I got him a friend!”

Me: “They’re called fighting fish for a reason! They don’t make friends! You just killed my favorite fish! And where’s my cat?!”

Friend: “I thought you said you re-homed the cat?”

Me: “No, I said the cat was somewhere around the home! She should be here, but she’s not!”

Friend: “Well, I’m so sorry you weren’t clear about that. But you know what? I don’t have to sit here and take you yelling at me, when all I did was try to help you take better care of your pets. I’m leaving, and don’t ever call me for help again!”

Me: “Oh, trust me, I won’t. I value my pets’ lives too much!”

(I couldn’t save the rest of my saltwater fish, as they were all too sickly from the negligent care and died while I tried to rehabilitate them. The other betta I did manage to save, though once its fins started to grow back I realized that it was the ugliest colored fish I’d ever seen. As horrible as it may sound, I couldn’t help but wish that my fish had been the winner. I also found out from a mutual friend that my house had been trashed because she’d been throwing weekly parties without telling me, and that no one thought to call me because she led them to believe I’d given her permission. I also found out that my cat had escaped the house during one of the parties to get away from the noise. Fortunately, my neighbors had found her pleading to come inside during a snowstorm and were taking care of her until I got home, so I got her back. As for my “friend”, we never speak to each other anymore, and quite frankly, I’m happy for that.)

You’re Barking Mad

, , , | Friendly | August 29, 2017

(I’m hanging out at the park with my friends, when a man walks his dog past us.)

Friend #1: *shrieking at the top of her lungs* “DOG!”

(This causes everyone, including the dog, to jump.)

Friend #2: *after a beat* “What the h*** was that?”

Friend #1: *suddenly in tears* “You don’t understand; it’s so adorable!”

Being A Cat Lady: There’s An App For That

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2017

(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)

Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”

Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”

Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”

Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”

Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys*  “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”

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