The Evolution Of A Nuisance

, , , , , | Learning | November 29, 2017

Friend: “How does this evolution stuff work? I thought we were all made by the Lord Almighty in his image.” *crosses his heart*

(The teacher begrudgingly answers the question.)

Me: “Umm, I thought you were an atheist?”

Friend: “I am, but [Teacher] has been lying to my parents about how I’m a nuisance because I disagreed with our last piece of coursework, so I’m going to show her what a real nuisance is like.”

(For three months he asked the most ignorant and mind-numbing questions you can imagine. After our quarterly parent’s evening, he stopped, so I assume it all got sorted out.)

Renting That Basement In Two

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2017

(A former friend and roommate of mine has weird logic. She lies about events that took place, and completely alters what actually happened. This is what happens one of the last times I speak with her. We aren’t living with each other anymore when this takes place:)

Friend: *beaming with excitement* “[Boyfriend] and I are going to be living with each other this year.”

Me: “Awesome! Makes sense, since he practically moved in with us last year when you started dating.”

Friend: “Yeah, and we found a place super close to where you live. We’re going to be almost neighbours.”

Me: “Awesome! Where?”

Friend: “This fixer upper on [Street]. The rent in that area can go up to $500 a month, but we only have to pay $300 a month since they are undergoing renovations.”

Me: “That’s a bargain! Do you two have the place to yourself?”

Friend: “No, we will have to share it with three other roommates. However, we have the basement area, so we kind of have our own place.”

(This is when I start to get somewhat suspicious, because the houses on the street she listed usually only house up to four people. I’ve lived in that area, and landlords are very strict about that.)

Me: “So, there are going to be five of you under one roof?”

Friend: “Yup. It might be a bit cramped, but we all work and have school, so I don’t think it’ll be too big a deal.”

Me: “That’s cool that you found a place that was willing to have more than four people. I guess they want all the money they can get for the renovation, and $600 is better than none.”

Friend: “Oh, no; it’s $300.”

Me: “Oh, I meant your rent combined with [Boyfriend]’s.”

Friend: “Oh, no. We’re only paying $300 for both of us.”

Me: “Woah, really? How did you manage that?”

Friend: “Well… Here is the thing. Technically, the landlords only know that I’m living there. I went through everything to secure the room, so the lease is in my name only. [Boyfriend] and I are going to split the rent they gave to me, and he and I get to live somewhere at an amazing discount.”

(She says this whole story with such glee, as if it is the best plan ever. I can only look at her in shock.)

Me: “Um, do your other roommates know about it?”

Friend: “No, I haven’t met them yet. Why?”

Me: “How do you know they will be okay with that?”

Friend: “Oh, we’re not going to tell them. [Boyfriend] works and goes to school. So, when he’s gone they’ll think he’s at his place and won’t know any better. They’ll just think he sleeps over a lot.”

Me: “Not to be a Pessimistic Penny, but are you sure it’ll work out so well? I mean, you could get evicted.”

Friend: “Oh, it’ll be fine; don’t worry. People do it all the time here and never get in trouble. As long as we lay low and follow the other rules, like no smoking and no pets, the landlords will have no reason to suspect us.”

(I wanted to prod more, but just eventually gave up and tried to hope for the best for them. A month and a half after they moved in, my friend called me and told me to come over because she had a surprise. What was the surprise? The new puppy they bought. Unsurprisingly, they ended up moving out half way through the year, claiming that the landlord lied about the extent of the renovation and that the house was impossible to live in. Pretty sure they were kicked out.)

Should Go See A Doctor About Your Lizard Foot

, , , , , | Friendly | November 28, 2017

(I am about to have an ingrown toenail worked on. I’m talking with my friends about it, during which the following occurs.)

Me: *joking* “Wish me luck, guys. I may never walk the same again.”

Friend #1: “What? Why?”

Friend #2: “Are you serious, [Friend #1]? She may have to have her toe amputated!”

Friend #1: “But… your toes grow back when they’re amputated, right?”

Me: *jaw-drop*

Please Don’t Walk Into My Breasts

, , , , | Friendly | November 24, 2017

(An online acquaintance is transitioning from male to female. We chat, after not communicating for a while.)

Me: “So, what’s new on your front?”

Friend: “Breasts.”

Me: “I walked right into that, didn’t I?”

Don’t Have To Be A Baby About It

, , , , , | Friendly | November 22, 2017

(A friend invites me over to her apartment to hang out and watch a movie. Several other friends also show up, and her roommates, who I don’t really know, invite their friends, too. The movie chosen is the original “Rosemary’s Baby.” It’s a pretty light atmosphere as we’re watching it and some of us, especially me, make jokes through the whole thing. Most of my quips land in the “dead baby joke” arena. Fast forward to about a year later: I’m hanging out with several of the same friends again, and the name of some girl I don’t know comes up.)

Friend: “Oh, yeah, [Girl] just hates [My Name].”

Me: “Uh, excuse me? Who is this?”

Friend: “You don’t remember [Girl]?” *gives a physical description*

Me: “I have no idea who that is.”

Friend: “Well, she was at my apartment that night we all watched Rosemary’s Baby. She was really mad at you because of all the dead baby jokes you were making, as she’d just had an abortion that morning.”

Me: “I’m at a loss for words to describe how little of that is my problem.”

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