You Need Betta Friends

, , , , | Friendly | August 29, 2017

(I have a cat, a 50-gallon saltwater aquarium, and a 5-gallon aquarium containing only a single betta fish, who is the pride of my fish collection. A family emergency requires me to be away from home unexpectedly for a month, so I call in what I think is a trusted friend to watch my pets and my house for me while I’m away. On my way home, I get a text from said friend.)

Friend: “I got you a surprise! I can’t wait until you see it when you get back!”

(I arrive back at home and find, to my horror, that my house is trashed, my cat is missing, the heater to the saltwater aquarium has been unplugged, and most of the fish have subsequently died in the cold winter weather. My betta is dead and there is another one in his tank that has badly shredded fins, indicating that they have fought to the death. Furious, and frantically searching for my cat, I call my friend over.)

Me: “What the h*** happened?! Most of my fish are dead and my cat is missing!”

Friend: “What are you talking about? Your pets are fine.”

Me: “Why is the heater to the saltwater tank unplugged?!”

Friend: “The water felt too warm, so I thought I’d let it cool down a little so they don’t cook to death.”

Me: “They’re tropical fish! The house is cold! The water was just right for them!”

(I drag her over to the betta tank.)

Me: “And what is this?!”

Friend: “That’s your surprise! The tank looked so empty with only one fish in it, so I got him a friend!”

Me: “They’re called fighting fish for a reason! They don’t make friends! You just killed my favorite fish! And where’s my cat?!”

Friend: “I thought you said you re-homed the cat?”

Me: “No, I said the cat was somewhere around the home! She should be here, but she’s not!”

Friend: “Well, I’m so sorry you weren’t clear about that. But you know what? I don’t have to sit here and take you yelling at me, when all I did was try to help you take better care of your pets. I’m leaving, and don’t ever call me for help again!”

Me: “Oh, trust me, I won’t. I value my pets’ lives too much!”

(I couldn’t save the rest of my saltwater fish, as they were all too sickly from the negligent care and died while I tried to rehabilitate them. The other betta I did manage to save, though once its fins started to grow back I realized that it was the ugliest colored fish I’d ever seen. As horrible as it may sound, I couldn’t help but wish that my fish had been the winner. I also found out from a mutual friend that my house had been trashed because she’d been throwing weekly parties without telling me, and that no one thought to call me because she led them to believe I’d given her permission. I also found out that my cat had escaped the house during one of the parties to get away from the noise. Fortunately, my neighbors had found her pleading to come inside during a snowstorm and were taking care of her until I got home, so I got her back. As for my “friend”, we never speak to each other anymore, and quite frankly, I’m happy for that.)

You’re Barking Mad

, , , | Friendly | August 29, 2017

(I’m hanging out at the park with my friends, when a man walks his dog past us.)

Friend #1: *shrieking at the top of her lungs* “DOG!”

(This causes everyone, including the dog, to jump.)

Friend #2: *after a beat* “What the h*** was that?”

Friend #1: *suddenly in tears* “You don’t understand; it’s so adorable!”

Being A Cat Lady: There’s An App For That

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 29, 2017

(My friends and I, all women in our early twenties, decide to get together for a movie marathon and game night. As it gets later and later, the conversation turns to romantic relationships, and the fact that I have yet to have one is brought up. So, one of my friends talks us all into joining a popular dating app. We amuse ourselves by going through profiles on our phones for a while, until this happens.)

Friend #1: *in response to an excited look on my face* “[My Name], are you still on [Dating App]?”

Me: “No, I got bored with that one a while ago. I’m playing [Game] now.”

Friend #3: “You still play [Game]?!”

Friend #2: “Wait, I’ve never heard of [Game] before. What is it?”

Me: *shows her my phone* “It’s this cute game where you have to collect the different cats that come visit your yard . . .” *realizes I just literally chose cats over boys*  “This is probably a more accurate description of me than I would like.”

The Single Biggest Surprise

, , , | Romantic | July 28, 2017

(For years, I used to be single and in the end I started to get really unhappy about that. Since it really became a big issue, lots of friends and coworkers start to give me advice. In some cases I ask for this; in most cases, I don’t. In all cases, I feel uncomfortable with the advice and ignore most of it. I sign up for several dating sites, but don’t get any real life dates from it, frustrating me even more. Some people say I should go on Tinder, including one who had advised me not to go on a dating site, since it is all on looks. Other people start “advising” me I should just wait, as if I hadn’t done that and as if waiting means it will all work out in just a few weeks. I decide there’s no system and that I’m tired of all the nosy people around me, so I quit dating for a while. A few months later, I start feeling lonely again and sign up to a better recommended dating site. At first, the experiment seems to fail again, but then, a nice girl starts talking to me and we have a really nice chat. From that, the dating starts and a few months later she asks me to be her boyfriend. More than a year after that, we decide to go live together. After five months living together, I meet some old friends who used to give me lots of advice about dating.)

Friend #1: “How is everything with you and [Girlfriend]?”

Me: “Good. And how’s your love life?”

Friend #1: “Single again. Had a girlfriend. Didn’t work out.”

Friend #2: “Well, I know the feeling.”

Friend #3: “Don’t worry, lads. I’ve been dating for years. But somehow…”

Friend #1: “Wait… This is a historical moment! [My Name] is the only one here who isn’t single!”

(Which really gave me the feeling I was right to ignore them all along.)

Has Everything Except Everything You Need

, , , | Related | July 20, 2017

(I’m at my mom’s house for a weekend family picnic. The conversation has died down so I’m on my phone on the app for a major maker of yarns, ordering yarn for a crochet project that I am working on. The type of yarn that I want is hard to find even at craft stores so I have to buy it online. A family friend is there and she is obsessed with a certain major big box retailer.)

Family Friend: “What are you doing?” *as she looks over my shoulder*

Me: “Buying yarn so I can make dish scrubbies.”

Family Friend: “Why don’t you buy it at Walmart?”

(First of all, this type of yarn is a special type of yarn used to make dish scrubbies and is hard to find even at the two major chain craft stores in my area. Second of all, the yarn section at the local Walmart is very tiny and only has basic yarns.)

Me: “They only have it online.”

Family Friend: “But Walmart has everything! If they don’t have it at Walmart, you don’t need it! Why don’t you try making them from Supersaver yarn?”

Me: “No, I want the scrubbie yarn!”

Family Friend: “But why don’t you buy it at Walmart?”

Me: “They don’t have it.”

Family Friend: *repeating what she just said VERY slowly* “But. Why. Don’t. You. Buy. It. At. Walmart?”

Me: “How many times do I have to tell you, they don’t have it?! No one in the area has it so I have to buy it online!”

Family Friend: “But Walmart has everything!”

(My mom then broke in and asked this friend to go help her in the kitchen because she could see how stressed that I was getting and that the conversation wasn’t getting anywhere. This family friend thinks that Walmart is the greatest store in the world and that people are stupid to shop elsewhere.)

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