Doesn’t Alanis Morissette Have A Song About This?

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 8, 2020

My best friend and maid of honour is an absolute sweetheart. However, her mother, who I have known for almost thirty years now, is one of the most negative people I have ever encountered. For her, the glass is not just half-empty; it has stale water, a cat hair, a chip, and a lipstick stain on it.

Fast forward to my bridal shower, where my sister — who has known my friend’s mom for her entire life — is making polite small talk with my her.

Sister: “So, the venue for the ceremony is going to be really nice.”

Friend’s Mom: “Where is it?”

Sister: “[My Name] booked a really pretty museum downtown.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, let’s hope that traffic cooperates. Driving downtown is horrible!”

Sister: “Yes, well, we should be fine.”

Friend’s Mom: “And let’s hope the weather cooperates. I don’t want to be out in a rainstorm!”

Sister: “Well, the great thing about the space is that it is indoors with some outdoor balcony space, so we are good no matter what.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, I hope it isn’t too hot. June is too hot for weddings. They are always so uncomfortable.”

Sister: *Visibly annoyed* “I hope the weather is nice, too! Fortunately, museums are temperature controlled, so the AC should be just fine.”

Friend’s Mom: “Well, let’s hope the power doesn’t go out!

My sister gave up, made a polite, mumbled excuse, and fled to some other guests. The power didn’t go out, no tornadoes or natural disasters occurred, and the day was lovely. 

And yes, she is still as pessimistic today as ever.

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Perhaps If He Ate Some Brains, He’d Have Some Brains

, , , | Friendly | July 2, 2020

I am part of a musical group with people of all ages; we sing songs and sometimes learn instruments, in a very casual setting. We sit in a circle, folders with hundreds of songs in front of us, and everyone chooses one song to play. It is my turn.

Me: *Looking through the folder* “Ooh! Zombie by The Cranberries! I’ve always loved that one.”

Elderly Man: “Bah! I can’t stand this horror stuff! It’s such stupid hocus pocus! Kids today are messed up!”

I stare at him, mouth agape.

Me: “It’s… a twenty-year-old song about the Northern Ireland Conflict. Nothing to do with actual zombies.”

Elderly Man: “Wait, really?”

To be fair, he was German and might not have understood all the lyrics, but seriously? He was alive during the brunt of it. He also had no problem understanding a different song in English that was about the nuclear bomb dropped on Nagasaki.

He just outright dismissed “Zombie” because of the title.

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He Sure Didn’t Ace That One

, , , , , , | Friendly | July 2, 2020

I’ve come out as asexual to a couple of friends who I’ve met online. They’re all supportive, but one is completely clueless about anything LGBTQ+ and private-messages me for clarification. There is no malice or teasing, just lack of knowledge.

I’m known for being the “innocent child” of the group, extremely short and not intimidating in any way.

Friend: “If you’re ace, can you perform mitosis?”

Me: “While that would be cool… no. No, I cannot.”

Friend: “That sucks.”

I’m about to ask if he has any more questions before this message comes through.

Friend: “Two [My Name]s would be awesome but equally terrifying.”

Always a kick to be called “terrifying”!

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Not Pussyfooting Around His Stupidity, Is He?

, , , , , | Friendly | July 1, 2020

One of my husband’s friends is visiting, and he’s petting our cat. Suddenly, he gets a confused look on his face.

Friend: “I thought your cat was a boy.”

Husband: “He is.”

Friend: “But he has nipples. Are you sure?”

Husband: “Yeah… he has a penis, too, and the vet removed testicles when he was neutered.”

Friend: “Oh, that’s so creepy! How can he be a boy and have nipples? Is something wrong with him? Are all cats like that?”

Me: “Hey, [Friend], you’re a guy. Do you have nipples?”

Friend: *Pause* “Right…”

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If Only More People Were Like This Study Buddy

, , , , , | Learning | June 29, 2020

I text a girl that I am sort of friends with about a class that she has already taken but I am going to take in the next semester. We talk about the class for a bit and then part ways.

A few weeks later, she texts me.

Friend: “Hey! Did you get a seat in one of the TA sessions?”

There are 200 seats and over 500 students.

Friend: “If you didn’t get one, I can send you my notes from last semester!”

Me: “Thank you so much for offering! I did manage to get a seat because I set an alarm for when the signups were opening. Thanks for thinking of me!”

Friend: “Of course! I want you to succeed, buddy!”

I was really touched that she thought of me even though we aren’t really friends. Shoutout to her for being awesome, and I hope to pass on her kindness!

This story is included in our Feel-Good roundup for June 2020!

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