Sounds More Emo Than Goth

, , , , | Learning | December 26, 2020

I am a Goth and therefore I always have my hair dyed black. Since many people in the dark alternative scene use makeup, I want to add that I don’t ever do this.

I am a university student, and one day, when I only have to attend lectures in the afternoon, I go to a hairdresser first to have my hair dyed. After that, I meet a friend who is also a fellow student and we walk together to our first lecture that day.

Unfortunately, it is raining and I don’t have an umbrella, so my hair gets really wet.

The whole afternoon, I notice people looking quite strangely at me, but since nobody says anything and my friend is acting perfectly normal toward me, I don’t give it much thought.

After our lectures, my friend comes home with me for a cup of coffee. When I go to the bathroom and look into the mirror, I suddenly know why I had gotten so many strange looks at university!

The hairdresser obviously didn’t rinse my hair properly, so the rain caused black streaks from the hair dye all over my face and neck! I look like a creature from a horror movie!

I jump back into the kitchen where my friend is sitting.

Me: “Look at me! You must have noticed from the beginning! Why on earth didn’t you tell me?!”

Friend: “Oh, I thought it was funny seeing you run around like that.”

Thanks a lot.


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The Sauce Of The Problem Is You

, , , | Right | December 21, 2020

During my teens, I work in a small takeaway food shop and my best friend works in the grocery store next door. One day, she comes in to buy a burger for lunch.

Friend: “I’ll just have a burger with no sauce, please.”  

I make the burger, which she takes back to the grocery shop to eat. I see her later.  

Friend: “I don’t know what you did with that burger, but it was really bland and there was no brown stuff on it.”

Me: “Brown stuff?”

Friend: “Yeah, when [Brother] buys me burgers, there’s always some brown stuff on it that tastes really nice.”

Me: “Do you mean the sauce?”

Friend: “No, I don’t like sauce. This stuff is brown and it’s sort of liquidy.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s BBQ sauce.”

Friend: “Nooo, sauce is red! I don’t like sauce.”

Me: “Ketchup is red; BBQ sauce is brown. We always put BBQ sauce on burgers.”

Friend: “Well, why didn’t you put it on mine?”

Me: “You asked for no sauce.”

Friend: “You should have known I meant no red sauce!”

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I Swear The Original Comparison Had To Do With Pizza

, , , , | Friendly | December 11, 2020

I rarely swear, and when I was young and earnest I used to get uncomfortable around people who did. I got over myself in the end, but reputations can be long-lasting, so people sometimes comment on it. I’m talking to a friend about this. He has a darker sense of humour and gets a kick out of shocking me.

Friend: “Swearing is like sex; its impolite to do in public, doing it with someone shows how much you like them, and if you go to a party where everyone’s doing it and you just point out that you don’t like it, they begin to wonder why you came.”

I’m about to comment, and then…

Friend: “Also, doing it with someone who doesn’t like it is rude at best.”

Me: *Shocked* “F****** h***, dude!”

Friend: “Ah, you’re catching on.”

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Taking Shelter In Some Weird Notions

, , , , , | Friendly | December 9, 2020

I have a semi-regular weekly dinner with a friend who’s been suffering from depression and anxiety, to help get them out of the house. Unfortunately, this person can be very intense and draining for me, an introvert. They also don’t believe that “quiet and alone” is how I regain my mental energy, and so they think me leaving to be alone is terribly dangerous for MY mental health. They are always convinced they are correct, especially if they’ve seen a video about something on Youtube, to the point of telling someone who had studied the subject they were “wrong” on more than one occasion. Still, depression, anxiety… so I try to be a good friend and make sure they get some world time.

This is the story of when I realise I need to cut them out of my life to stop myself from spiraling into heavy depression and anxiety trying to help them.

We are having dinner in a pub, discussing what provisions there are in place for victims of abuse; there is a sad amount of abuse in our country, and my friend was a victim of it in another country. Wonderful dinner discourse, but it’s interesting and needed nonetheless. Then, this gem pops out of their lips.

Friend: “[Woman’s Shelter Group] is an anti-men hate group.”

I’m startled, thinking I’ve heard them wrong.

Me: “What?”

Friend: *totally straight-faced* “[Shelter] is biased against men; it won’t let men into the shelters and it’s teaching women to hate men. It’s an anti-men hate-group.”

I just stare for a good half-minute.

Me: “I’m sorry? They have ‘women’ in the name, and we have an overwhelming majority of women needing shelter. I don’t know if they’d be able to find a shelter for men, but they’d try to help. They’re not… anti-men?”

Them: “No, they totally teach those women to hate and fear men; they won’t even make them interact with them. They shouldn’t be allowed!”

Me: “What? I just… Wow. Nope, that’s it. I’m done.”

And with that, I walked out on them and haven’t seen them since. I’d already paid for and finished my meal, so no dining-and-dashing was involved. They sent me some… interesting texts afterward about how it was very rude of me to just up and leave and that I was a bad friend for it. They also ranted that saying a guy was in the “friendzone” was the worst insult a man could receive.

To this day, I don’t know what they wanted out of that interaction, and I support that group more than ever to try and level out that weird, fixated bigotry.

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Dropping Some Diaper Bombs

, , , , , | Friendly | December 6, 2020

When my nephew was in diapers he was very prone to diaper rash. He also was sensitive to ingredients found in most brands of diaper creams. There was one brand — that had very few ingredients beyond zinc and petroleum jelly and had an amusing name — my sister could use on him that actually helped, instead of making the rash worse.

Unfortunately, their family had to move to Germany for a while because of my brother-in-law’s career and that cream wasn’t available there. So, they got regular care packages with that cream in them.

I was complaining to a friend that frequently, just one of the several tubes I sent her would be missing when she got the package. And I was pretty sure that someone in customs was stealing a tube every so often, probably because of the funny name.

My friend said, “No! That can’t happen. They must be taking it because it’s illegal in Europe. I think it’s used to make meth and explosives!”

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