Some friends and I have just left the movie theater.

Me: “Okay, well, thanks for hanging out, everyone. My bus stop is over there, so I’ll see you all later.”

Friend: “You’re taking the bus? Nah, man, I’ll drive you.”

Me: “It’s okay. It’s not a long ride.”

Friend: “All the more reason to let me take you!”

Other Friend: “[Friend], he has more reason not to let you.”

Friend: “Whaddya mean?”

Other Friend: “Over dinner, you literally said that you ‘Never stop for the police because they always give you a ticket if you let them’.”

Friend: “Yeah? That’s true!”

Other Friend: “The fact that you don’t see an issue with that statement is why [My Name] is taking the bus.”

Friend: “Fine. Y’all be like that!”

He storms off to his car and angrily peels out of the parking lot.

Me: “Did he just exit through the entrance?”

Other Friend: “Yup.”

Me: “And is he driving the wrong way through the one-way ramp?”

Other Friend: “Also, yup. Oh, hey, your bus is coming down the street.”

Me: *Laughing.* “Maybe I’ll take the next one. I want to put a little distance between whatever vehicle I’ll be on and [Friend].”

Despite the joke, I took my bus, and my journey was incident-free. 

The next time the group of us got together for a movie, [Friend] was the passenger in [Other Friend]’s car, and when I asked why, I heard a muttering about cops, speeding, and the word “revoked”.

Some friends and I are chilling with another friend in his backyard on a sunny weekend afternoon. His dad is listening to his music in the living room, and we’re listening to ours. An Eminem track starts playing.

Friend’s Dad: *Appearing out of nowhere.* “I don’t ever want to hear that Eminem’s music in my house! He is a very foul musician!”

We quickly skip the track, and some of us apologize. [Friend’s Dad] goes back inside.

Other Friend: “Wait a minute, [Friend], your dad is listening to Eminem inside right now!”

Friend: “Yeah, that’s a clean version compilation of some of his tracks. The CD is labeled as Marshall Mathers. No one has the heart to tell him they’re the same person.”

Other Friend: “Someone needs to introduce him to Slim Shady.”

Friend: “Noooo! We’re already playing with fire! He’s one Google search away from a meltdown!”

CORRECTION: The word “not” was mistakenly included with the original submission; Marshall Mathers and Eminem are the same person.

CONTENT WARNING: Racist language

A group of us is hanging out at a local bar. A friend brings along someone new, and through conversation, we find out he’s a teacher at the local high school. 

Later in the evening, he glances at the pool table where a group of African American guys are playing.

Teacher: *Grumbling.* “Great. Look who’s hogging the table. I didn’t know that only Jim Crow and Aunt Jemima were allowed to play.”

Friend #1: “Hey, don’t say things like that.”

Teacher: “Bah, it’s just talk. I’m not gonna do anything to them.”

One of my friends leans forward, calm but sharp:

Friend #2: “Interesting. Can you tell me more about your practices to keep those biases in check while working with our students and families?”

The teacher freezes. His face goes pale as the weight of the words sinks in. It’s like he’s realized for the first time that words like that can get him into trouble at work. He’s quiet for the rest of the night.

That week, my friend filed a report with the school. Even if they can’t do anything about it, at least there’s a record.

My best friend has an emergency and needs to leave their kids (nine and ten) with me, as I work from home. She says it’s okay to put a movie on for them, and anything PG-13 is okay. Remembering what I enjoyed when I was a ten-year-old boy, I put on the first Independence Day movie for them.

Nine-Year-Old: “This looks old.”

Me: “It’s kinda old. I was ten when it came out.”

Ten-Year-Old: “Okay, so it’s not kinda old, it’s hecka old.”

Me: “Hey!” *Laughs.*

I go back to finish my work, and the boys seem to be enthralled with the movie. They come out to see me when it’s done.

Ten-Year-Old: “So that like… happened in the nineties?”

Me: “The movie is from 1996, yeah.”

Nine-Year-Old: “How did they rebuild everything so fast?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Nine-Year-Old: “Like, they blew up the white house, and like, New York.”

Ten-Year-Old: “But Mom took us to New York last year, and it was all still there. When did they rebuild it?”

Me: “Uh, guys… It’s just a movie. Aliens didn’t really invade Earth in the nineties.”

Nine-Year-Old: “Oh. It’s such a long time ago, so we thought it really happened.”

Ten-Year-Old: “Yeah, like that other movie about the boat sinking.”

Me: “Titanic?”

Ten-Year-Old: “Yeah! That was the nineties, too, right?”

Me: “That was 1912.”

Ten-Year-Old: “Anything that starts nineteen is old.”

After I got over how “old” I was, I established with them that the Titanic happened, aliens invading in the nineties didn’t, and they’re no longer allowed to watch movies at my place ever again!

One of my friends has a reputation in our group for saying the most outlandishly stupid things. We’re all sitting together, eating at a fast-food chicken place, when he suddenly stops to stare at the piece of chicken in his hand.

Friend: “Uh… this chicken’s still bleeding.”

I glance over. Sure enough, the meat is pink, and there’s an alarming little pool of red.

Friend: “I’m gonna get salmonella just from looking at this!”

To my utter horror, he shrugs… and keeps eating. Bite after bite. He finishes the whole piece.

I’m about to ask if he’s lost his mind when he wipes his hands on a napkin and grins.

Friend: “Don’t worry, I’ll just drink a Monster Energy to cancel out the salmonella.”

Then we all burst out laughing, because somehow, that’s the most HIM thing he’s ever said. He didn’t get sick.