Deconstructing Friendships

, , , | Friendly | March 11, 2021

I have been fortunate enough to do well in my business and so can send my daughter to a private school. While the education she gets is great, some of the other parents can be a tad… out of touch. Also of note, I have built a small playhouse in my backyard for my daughter to play in. She has a school friend over, and I speak with the friend’s father when he comes to pick his daughter up.

Friend’s Dad: “The girls really love that playhouse. [Friend] wants one; now where did you get it?”

Me: “Actually, I built it a year or so ago.”

Friend’s Dad: “Oh, gotcha. I think we’ll try to get one set up here soon. Can you give me your contractor’s name?”

Me: “I didn’t use a contractor; I built it.”

Friend’s Dad: “No, I get that you designed it, but who actually built it? My daughter keeps asking for one.”

Me: “I’m the one that actually built it.”

Friend’s Dad: *Getting irritated* “Seriously, you know what I mean. Quit being difficult. Who cut the lumber and hammered the screws and all that?”

Me: “I did.”

Friend’s Dad:  Just tell me where to get the d*** thing.”

Me: “I didn’t get it from anywhere. I got the lumber from the yard over on [Street] and built it.”

Friend’s Dad: *Livid* ” Fine, be that way. Way to disappoint a little girl. Jacka**!”

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Give ‘Til It Hurts

, , , , | Friendly | March 10, 2021

Our friend group constantly has to meet wherever is cheap enough for [Friend]. [Friend] doesn’t work and doesn’t see the need to; he is content sitting at home watching TV and smoking. 

If he doesn’t have enough money to smoke or drink, he will leech off one of his friends until they have had enough, and then he moves on to the next. I’ve been that friend to him several times and had enough.

Everyone has tried to help him find interviews and offered to drive him to work, should he get the job. But he just won’t do it.

My birthday is coming up, and I don’t want to have another fast food parking lot meet-up. I find an inexpensive restaurant with a bar and share the invite out to all. Nearly everyone is really excited about it, apart from [Friend].

Friend: “I can’t afford this. You should choose somewhere everyone can go to.”

Me: “[Friend], we always go somewhere that suits you and we always end up back at your flat so you can smoke. Just once, I want to go somewhere nice.”

Friend: “Well, I won’t come, then.”

Me: “Okay, well, sorry to hear that.”

Friend: “Wow, that’s just nice, isn’t it?! Just ditch me.”

Me: *Sighing internally* “A couple of guys are just going for drinks. Why don’t you just come for a drink?”

Friend: “What, and miss out on the meal?”

Me: “I don’t know what to say. You don’t want to pay for a meal, you don’t want to come for a drink instead…”

Friend: “You could pay for me.”

Me: You want me to pay for your meal at my birthday celebration? I suppose you want me to drive you there, as well.”

Friend: “Well, yeah. You’re going anyway.”

Me: “I was being sarcastic. I won’t be driving to the bar; I’ll be drinking. The bus is what, 80p?! Look. Come, don’t come, whatever. I’m not the one paying for you this time.”

He didn’t come, but he did complain about me constantly for weeks. I lost touch with him. A year or so later, he still hadn’t changed.

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Yuri In Big Trouble!

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 10, 2021

I have lost a bet to my friend, and as punishment, I have to do a dare. He found a sweatshirt online that reads “Graduate of Yaoi University” and tells me I have to go to the mall while wearing it and walk around for one hour.

While we’re wandering the mall, we stop in the food court for drinks. The lady behind us in line notices my shirt and asks where Yaoi University is.

Me: *Pauses* “Japan?”

Lady: “Oh, that must be so exciting. Did you enjoy your time there?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Lady: “What did you study?”

I’m desperately trying to keep a straight face.

Me: “Art, ma’am.”

Lady: “How fun.”

She talked for a bit about how she wished she had traveled more when she was younger.

Once we had gotten our drinks and left the area, my friends burst into uncontrollable laughter. I was so embarrassed, and I really hope she didn’t Google that “university.”

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Consider The Second One A Free Party, I Guess

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 9, 2021

My friend’s wife’s sister is planning her wedding.

Friend: “She wants a destination wedding in Cuba. This’ll be great. All of the families are going to be there, plus a bunch of friends. I can’t wait!”

Me: “Wow, sounds awesome! Take lots of photos.”

Several months later, I get to see the photos.

Friend: “And here’s the wedding.”

Me: “On the beach? So pretty! And what gorgeous weather they had.”

Friend: “Right? It was perfect. So romantic, and everyone had a wonderful time.”

Several months later…

Friend: *Grumpy* “So… my sister-in-law is getting married again.”

Me: “What? Didn’t she just get married?”

Friend: “Yup.”

Me: “Don’t tell me if you’d rather not, but why are she and her husband getting divorced?”

Friend: “Oh, they’re not.”

Me: *Pauses* “I’m confused.”

Friend: “See, my mother-in-law is very religious. And even though a priest married [Sister-In-Law] and [Brother-In-Law], my mother-in-law doesn’t think it was a ‘real’ wedding, because it took place on a beach.”

Me: “But… she was there. I saw her in the photos.”

Friend: *Sighs* “I know. But she’s absolutely adamant that she won’t accept the marriage unless it takes place in a church.”

Me: “But the expense!”

Friend: “She said she’d pay for it.”

Me: “Which date are [Sister-In-Law] and [Brother-In-Law] going to use for their anniversary?”

Friend: “Beats me.”

The second wedding went forward, and the twice-married bride’s mother was finally satisfied.

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Throwing Up Your Hands In Frustration

, , , , , | Friendly | March 6, 2021

Before I go to university, I often hang out with a bunch of old high school friends. We have parties at different people’s houses, and over time, I get to know some of their acquaintances.

At one party, I notice the girlfriend of one of the friends has a couple of drinks, and then, after maybe an hour or two, she starts throwing up and her boyfriend is holding her hair back. At first, I don’t pay too much attention to it, but then I notice that it keeps happening at different parties she attends.

Concerned, I go to my friend who is hosting. 

Me: “Hey, why does [Girl] always start throwing up after a couple of drinks?”

Friend: *Laughs* “Oh, she can’t handle her alcohol, so at most parties, she’ll have a couple, be sick, and then just sleep the rest of the night!”

He says this like it’s a perfectly normal thing.

Me: “Err… then maybe she should stop drinking.”

Friend: “What? Why?”

Me: “If she can’t handle drinking, maybe she should think about giving up alcohol.”

Friend: “Oh, come on. It’s just her thing; it’s nothing to worry about.”

Me: “Throwing up all the time isn’t a good sign. Maybe she has some kind of condition where her body has trouble processing alcohol?”

Friend: “Don’t be daft, [My Name]. No one has trouble drinking alcohol. That’s a bunch of crap!”

Me: “Well, it isn’t, actually. [Famous Actor] has a condition where—”

Friend: *Interrupting* “You’re talking nonsense, mate. [Girl] isn’t hurting anyone, so just leave it, yeah?”

Me: “What if she gets herself into a bad situation and her boyfriend isn’t there to help her?”

Friend: “Stop talking crap.”

With that, he walked away, shaking his head and leaving me marvelling at how blase they all were about this. Soon after, I began university and I eventually drifted away from that group. I can hope that girl wised up a bit, or better yet, stopped drinking.

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