Saved By A Superhero

, , , , , , | Right | July 23, 2019

(I’m a trans guy and have been with my cis male partner for ten years. He and I, along with his younger brother, are riding in the car and my partner is telling his brother a story about a friend of ours. We have lots of friends who are trans, and usually, we don’t differentiate, but sometimes gender identity is relevant to the story.)

Partner: “…so this other person — not a trans person, just a…” *slight pause* “…regular person…”

Me: *chuckling* “’Regular person,’ huh?”

Brother-In-Law: “Right?”

Partner: “Yeah, a regular person. You know, not a superhero.”

Me: “Good save!”

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Is Going To Ace That Test

, , , , , , | Related | July 23, 2019

(My friend is asexual and has a pencil case that he treats like a son. My parents both know this, so while I’m doing some science revision…)

Dad: “Now, how does this reproduce?”

Me: “I can’t remember! Can you give me a hint?”

Dad: “Think about how [Friend] created [Pencil Case].”

Me: “It’s asexual reproduction, isn’t it?”

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A Knee-Jerk Reaction To The Dress

, , , , | Right | July 22, 2019

(Two women come into my shop looking for dresses. I help [Customer #1] find one, and while she tries it on, I help [Customer #2] look for a dress for herself. [Customer #1] comes out of the dressing room to get our opinion on the dress, and although the dress fits well, the hem is up past her knees, and it is not flattering. I am always honest with my customers, preferring they look their best rather than just making a sale, so I suggest she tries something longer.)

Me: “The hemline on that one is not very flattering; let’s try a longer style.”

Customer #1: “You don’t like the dress?”

Customer #2: “The dress looks great, but your knees are ugly!

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Falling Into The Upside Down

, , , , , | Friendly | July 19, 2019

(My friends and I have gotten together for the weekend and my friend whose house we’re staying at can’t find her corkscrew. Since her parents live in the same complex, we go over to get their corkscrew. While we’re there, the weather starts getting nasty and raining hard, so the topic comes up about how we’d weather the storm if there was a tornado since the houses don’t have basements.)

Friend’s Mom: “I’d go hide in the crawl space.”

Friend #1: “We’d be safe in the bathtubs.”

Friend #2: “When it came up at school, I told my students I’d jump out the window and hope I didn’t crash through the grate below.”

Me: *mishearing* “What’s the Great Below?”

Friend #2: *laughing* “You know, grate? Like a piece of metal?”

Me: *laughing* “Yay for homonyms!”

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Banishing The Birthday Blues

, , , , , | Hopeless | July 13, 2019

(Birthdays have always been a struggle for me. No matter how many people I invite, only the usual close relatives show up, and sometimes my best friend who I’ve known for 23 years. Besides that, I never had many friends. Somehow my “BFF” has managed to excuse herself out of it for five years now. So, my birthday goes by with just my mom, my brother, his girlfriend, my grandma, and my uncle coming in the afternoon. My friend calls to say that her car broke down and she can’t make it… again. Surprise. In the evening, I expect two of my bandmates — whom I have known for less than a year — and they don’t exactly live nearby. They have been traveling by train for two and a half hours to get to me, so I invite them to stay the night. They arrive, congratulate me, shove two bottles of wine and a homemade cake in my hands, and look around.)

Bandmate #1: “Where are all the guests? I brought my guitar and everything. I thought there was a party?”

Bandmate #2: “Yeah, we were excited to meet all your friends! Where are they?”

Me: “Well… it’s just us three now. Some family came this afternoon, but they went already. And my one friend cancelled… again.”

Bandmate #1: “Well, that’s not fair!”

Bandmate #2: “Your best friend cancelled… and your other friends?”

Me: “I don’t really have any… Not nearby at least.”

Bandmate #1: “Well, that’s just stupid! We don’t live nearby, either, and yet we are here. What trouble is it to just come over?”

Bandmate #2: “Don’t worry. We’ll get you wasted enough to not be sad about the bad turn up!”

(And they did. They conjured up another bottle of rum from their bags and we drank — I never even drink, but screw it just this once — sang songs, played games, laughed, and chatted until 4:00 am, and I can’t recall having a happier birthday ever!)

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