We’ve Heard This One Sixteen Times Before

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2019

(We’re at a New Year’s party, playing card games and catching up. One of my friends has brought a newcomer to our gathering, who seems… interesting.)

Newcomer: *while trying to hold cards we’re handing him very artistically* “Whoa, look at this; it’s like the sixteenth chapel over here!”

Friend: *after a pause* “Did you just say, ‘sixteenth chapel’?”

Newcomer: “Yeah?”

Friend: “Did you mean the Sistine Chapel?”

Newcomer: “Oh, is that what it’s called? I just thought there were a lot of chapels in Rome so they just started numbering them!”


Ireland Is A Very Colorful Place

, , , , | Friendly | January 5, 2019

(I am trying to pull out of a side road into the main road. It always takes a while to pull out here and I am getting frustrated. I have a friend in the car and am venting to her. My window is open as it is both warm and sunny — very unusual for Ireland.)

Me: *as a blue car comes from the right* “Maybe after this blue guy. Oh, here’s a red guy, and a black guy. Maybe after this red guy. Oh, no, here comes another black guy.”

Me: “…”

Me: “I hope that actual black guy walking towards us didn’t hear that.”

Technicolor Pachyderms Is Really Too Much For Me

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 31, 2018

(I’m staying overnight at a friend’s house. I just woke up, but he’s still asleep, so I’m flipping through the channels on his TV when I see that “Dumbo” is on. It’s near the pink elephants sequence, a scene that I know my friend hates, so when it comes on, I decide to crank up to volume to see if I can get a reaction out of him. Much to my disappointment, he doesn’t respond. About an hour later, he wakes up.)

Friend: “Dude, I had a bunch of weird dreams last night.”

Me: “Um… did any of them have anything to do with the pink elephants scene from Dumbo?”

Friend: “Yeah! That was the main one. How did you know?”

All Art Starts With A Blank Canvas

, , , , , | Friendly | December 28, 2018

(My friend and I are sitting together in math class. While the teacher is talking, I’m watching my friend draw. She is an AMAZING artist, and it’s fun to watch her in action. The teacher then announces that we are going to do some problems on our own, and split into groups. While the teacher is writing the problems on the board, I turn my back on my friend to get a piece of paper. I hear my friend flip her paper over to work on the blank side. Our group begins to work the problems.)

Friend: *makes a mistake and sighs dramatically* “I’m just not good at anything.”

Me: “That’s not true! Look at all you’re good at!”

(I reach over and flip her paper over to show her the drawing, but we are both now looking at a blank piece of paper. I begin to panic.)

Me: “Where’s the art?! Where’s the picture you were drawing?! I meant to say you’re good at art!”

(My friend is laughing too hard to say anything but points at a blank sheet of paper to the side. It turns out she had flipped the art over and then gotten a fresh sheet of paper.)

Me: *flips over the paper with her drawing* “See? You’re good at art!”

(To this day, years later, we still joke about it. Every once in a while, one of us will hold up a blank sheet of paper and cry, “Look at all you’re good at!”)

Their Reactions Are Identical

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 26, 2018

(I’m a girl with a twin brother. Most people need only this by way of explanation, but some don’t really understand. I’ve legitimately been asked these things multiple times.)

Boy #1: “Are you and your brother identical twins?”

Me: “No, that’s impossible.”

Boy #1: “Identical twins aren’t impossible.”

Me: “Yes, but I have a vagina and he doesn’t, so we can’t be.”

(Another time:)

Boy #2: “Who’s older?”

Brother: “I am.”

Boy #2: “Oh, by how much?”

Me: “I think nine minutes.”

Boy #2: “Very funny.”

Me: “What?”

Boy #2: “There need to be at least nine months between you.”

Brother: “We’re twins.”

Boy #2: “But you can’t be! You’re not the same sex!”

(And again:)

Girl: “Oh, how do you know [Brother]?”

Me: “He’s my twin.”

Girl: “Oh, so which one of you is trans?”

Me: “What?”

Girl: “I’m not judging; I’m very supportive of trans rights.”

Me: “What do you mean, which one of us is trans?”

Girl: “Twins have to be the same sex at birth.”

(These are just ones from the top of my head; there have been others.)

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