A while ago, my wife and I got engaged. My mother-in-law decided to gift us with an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris as an engagement gift. So, we found ourselves spending a week in Paris, enjoying the city. Also, we met an old friend. My friend was doing a post-graduate degree in Paris. We met up a couple of nights, and we scheduled to visit the Louvre together.

The next day, we met outside the Louvre. Along with [Friend] was his girlfriend. She was a History of Arts major (slightly important for later) from Norway. [Friend] was an Archaeology post-grad. He has, since his preteen years, had an obsession with ancient history (important for the story). Also relevant to the story, my wife likes to read a lot of history books.

We start our tour in the Louvre from the Roman section, with [Friend] taking the role of explaining what we were seeing. English is not any of our first languages, but we all speak English together as a common language.

We pass the Roman section, followed by the Greek, stopping on the Aphrodite of Milos. In that section, [Friend] really took off with his explanations, not only with Aphrodite but with the Muses as well (statues of them in the same section). Then up the stairs to take pics of Nike and onwards to the Renaissance section.

On the way towards the next section, we stopped in a room that had models of some of the wonders of the ancient world. One of them was a model of the temple of Zeus in Olympia and the giant statue of Zeus made from Ivory and Gold. [Friend] stops to explain this to his girlfriend, and my wife decides to chip in about cheating in the original Olympic Games, starting some light-hearted banter. They’re talking in our native language, and I’m trying to translate to [Friend’s Girlfriend].

And then it happened…

Stressed Mom: “Excuse me. What is the guide talking about?”

I turn around and see a woman in her thirties and two boys, the older around eight or nine years old, and the younger around six or seven years old. Everything about her screams tourist. She wears a sundress, has a small backpack (with supplies for the children, we found out later), a “Guide to the Louvre ” book, and a look of stress on her face (my wife and I have that look occasionally now; it’s common on parents).

Me: “They’re talking about cheating in the ancient Olympics.”

Amazed Child #1: “Wow! They used to cheat back then?”

The younger one is glued to the model.

Amazed Child #2: “Who’s that?” *He asked, pointing at the statue.*

That caught [Friend]’s attention.

Friend: “That’s Zeus, the leader of the Greek gods.”

Amazed Child #2: “Wow!”

Amazed Child #1: “Where is Mona Lisa?”

Friend: “Down this corridor. You can’t miss it.”

Amazed Child #1: “Cool! Can you tell us the story for that?”

An awkward pause from everyone.

Stressed Mom: *A bit embarrassed.* “You’re not a tour guide, are you?”

Friend: “No, madam, I’m not.”

A sigh came out of [Stressed Mother]. She grabbed her book tighter.

Stressed Mom: “I’m sorry. You were speaking with such authority, and the book is so unhelpful, we kinda thought… you know…”

Friend: “It’s alright. I hope I helped. In fact, we were going to visit the next section, if you want to follow. But I won’t do the talking. [Friend’s Girlfriend] is more adept in this period than I.”

[Friend’s Girlfriend] waved, smiling.

Amazed Child #1: “Can we go with them mom? Please?”

She looked to each of us, trying to decide.

Stressed Mom: “If it’s not too much trouble…”

Friend & Friend’s Girlfriend: “No trouble at all.”

Amazed Child #1 & #2: “Yeeeeah!”

Stressed Mom: “But, you have to be quiet and listen to the nice people.”

Amazed Child #1 & #2: “Yes, mom!”

They followed us for the rest of the day in the Louvre, with either [Friend] or [Friend’s Girlfriend] answering the kid’s questions. It was lovely to see the look of amazement on their faces as we walked through the museum.

The mother told us her husband was invited to a weeklong convention in Paris by his company and brought them along for the vacation. She insisted on buying us lunch, which we politely declined. We settled for a coffee in one of the small cafes outside the Louvre. Her husband joined us later on. The kids asked a million questions about the exhibits during our coffee. But their true delight was that they discovered that [Friend’s Girlfriend] was from a country that had Vikings!

All in all, a nice stroll in the Louvre.

My wife and I are talking to another couple at a house party about travel plans in the coming year.

Me: “We were thinking about going to Las Vegas as it’s always somewhere I’ve been curious about.”

Friend Husband: “We’ve been there! It’s fun, but don’t go during the summer. The humidity is crazy.”

Me: “Humidity? Really? But it’s so dry there.”

Friend Husband: “Yeah, it’s a dry humidity.”

My wife and I share a look. The wife of the other couple changes subjects and then ushers him away. Later, she finds us alone.

Friend Wife: “Yeah, he thinks humidity means heat. Doesn’t matter what I say, or what Google says, or what our son, who is a f****** meteorologist, says, he’s dying on that hill. Anyway, have fun in Vegas!”

When I was the manager of a storage place, I had a lady who was several months behind on rent. I made the obligatory cold calls for her to catch up before we got rid of her stuff, and finally got her to send a friend to come make the payment.

Customer’s Friend: “What’s the total owed?”

I broke it down and explained the late fees, etc.

Customer’s Friend: *Screaming.* “What?! That’s outrageous! My friend is the closest thing to Jesus I know! You know you just charged Jesus a late fee?!”

After I took a second to compose myself…

Me: “Ma’am, I think Jesus would pay his bills on time.”

I’m with some friends in a coffee shop I work in after closing. They’re waiting for me to clean up before we all leave together. A lot of our pastries and bread products that are unsold are there for the taking, so I offer some around. One of our friends is a vegan.

Vegan Friend: “Oh, no thanks. I’ve stopped eating bread.”

Me: “Oh, why?”

Vegan Friend: “It’s got yeast in it, and yeast is a living organism. I don’t eat things that are alive.”

Other Friend: “Uh, yeast is a fungus, like mushrooms.”

Vegan Friend: “It’s alive, that’s all that matters. I don’t eat anything considered alive!”

Other Friend: “So, you don’t swallow your saliva then?”

Vegan Friend: “What?”

Other Friend: “Your saliva contains millions of microorganisms, all of them alive. Every time you swallow saliva, you’re consuming millions of living things.”

Vegan Friend: “Well… that’s… that’s different.”

Me: “I feel sorry for all your intestinal bacteria. You’ve enslaved them!”

Vegan Friend: “You guys think you’re being funny but you’re not.”

Other Friend: *To me.* “[My Name], when you bake the bread, can you hear the yeast screaming?”

Me: “I used to, but now I just play the music louder to drown them out.”

Other Friend: “Those poor yeasts.”

We laughed and moved on to a different topic. As I finished cleaning up and we’re heading out to the bar:

Vegan Friend: “Finally! I could murder a beer.” *Pause.* “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

I work in a smoothie and milkshake place. A customer comes in with three friends.

Customer: “Three strawberry shakes and a chocolate shake.”

I make the shakes in front of them. They come in clear cups. I still mark the three strawberry cups with an “SS” and the chocolate cup with “CS” because that’s just our store process.

Customer: “Which one is the chocolate one?”

Me: “The brown one, with the “CS” on the side.”

Customer: “You don’t have to say it like that. I could be colorblind!”

Me: “The strawberry ones have chunks of strawberry in them.”

Customer: “Maybe I’m actually blind!”

Me: “You drove your friends here.”

Customer: “Maybe… maybe I—”

Customer’s Friend: “—Come on, man, admit you asked a stupid question, own it, and drink your d*** chocolate!”

He grabbed his chocolate shake and sucked on it. I’ve never seen someone look so upset while enjoying chocolate.