It is 1992, and some friends and I are discussing what movie to see at the theater.

Me: “We could check out Bram Stoker’s Dracula?”

Friend: “Ooh, yeah! Bram Stoker has never put out a bad movie!”

Other Friend: “Uh, the movie is made by Francis Ford Coppola.”

Me: “And Bram Stoker’s been dead for like, almost a century.”

Friend: “Sooo… then I’m still right! Try naming a single bad movie Bram Stoker put out! You can’t!”

My friend is driving on the highway during a fairly heavy rainstorm. She keeps cussing about something, then slowing down and speeding up, over and over.

After a few times of her doing this:

Me: “What’s the problem?”

Friend: “I’m p***ed off because every time I speed up, it starts raining harder, and I can’t see the road.”

I was cracking up laughing.

Friend: “Just watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

She put her foot on the gas pedal to speed up, then had to slow right back down again because she couldn’t see the road.

Friend: “See there. I told you. It does it every single time that I try to speed up.”

She again, to try to prove her point through my laughter, slowed down and said:

Friend: “See, it’s not raining that hard now, but watch when I speed up, it will start coming down hard again.”

I did eventually tell her what was happening.  She honestly thought the rain clouds had some kind of personal vendetta against her that day and were spitting out more rain every time she tried to drive faster.

Still today, when she does or says something stupid, I’ll say:

Me: “Yeah, and the faster you drive, the harder it rains.”

Three years ago, I got blackout drunk while out with some friends. It was my first and last blackout; I was so ashamed that I swore off alcohol. While most people in my social circle either understood or respected it, my friend’s girlfriend holds a holier-than-thou mindset. We have all been out several times since this incident, and I either order water or a mocktail; this does not stop her from speaking up.

Friend’s Girlfriend: “I’m glad you’re not drinking [My Name].”

Me: *Bracing for the judgment.* “Yeah, this is pretty good.”

Friend’s Girlfriend: “All alcoholics say the normal version is fine, but they’re lying.”

Me: “It’s… just tea.”

Friend’s Girlfriend: “You were an absolute mess at [Bar].”

Me: “I know. And I’ve apologized many times.”

Friend: “[Girlfriend], stop.”

Friend’s Girlfriend: “No, she needs to understand how f***ed up that was.”

Me: “I do understand. It was not a high point in my life. I have apologized for and corrected my behavior to avoid future reoccurrences, yet you keep holding on to it for some reason.”

Friend’s Girlfriend: “Seriously. I would die of embarrassment if my friends had to help me to the car and make sure I didn’t die.”

Me: “I assure you, as I have many times, that I do feel awful about that night and I intend to never repeat it.”

Friend’s Girlfriend: “You can’t just say sorry and expect everyone to forgive you.”

Friend: “Two weeks ago, you got so drunk you s*** in the bathroom sink and tried to blame it on my dog the next morning.”

Pause.

Friend’s Girlfriend: “You have no right to bring it up in public!”

Friend: “Excessive drinking is excessive drinking no matter where you are.”

She did finally drop it, thankfully. After this outing, [Friend’s Girlfriend] was mysteriously unavailable to go out with us, and they eventually broke up.

A friend of mine has recently made the decision to give up smoking, and we, his friends, are doing our best to help and support him through this endeavour. Early on, we were having a conversation about his option, where [Smoker Friend] explained that several people – including a doctor that he consulted on the matter – advised against going cold turkey (that is, quitting entirely in a single hard stop). As the more serious conversation is dying down…

Me: “You know, I’ve always wondered why the term is ‘cold turkey’. Like, where did that even come from?”

Smoker Friend: “I got no idea, but I’m not f****** with a phrase that old.”

Friend #1: “I always assumed it got the name because it’s a bad idea.”

The Rest of Us: “Huh?”

Friend #1: “Like, if you take the phrase ‘cold turkey’ literally, what sort of mental image comes to your mind?

Friend #2: “Frozen meat.”

Friend #3: “A flightless bird in the snow.”

Friend #1: “Well, the bird is suffering, and the meat’s no good for you. And I feel like that’s a good way to describe going cold turkey.”

When I was getting a new aquarium, I put my fish into plastic bags of water to hold them while I set up the new tank.

My friend panicked and started punching holes in the bags with a pencil.

Me: “What in the good god are you doing?”

Friend: “I’m putting air holes in the bag so your fish don’t suffocate. Come on [My Name], use your head!”

Nothing I said could convince her she wasn’t the hero of this tale.