Crazy Cat Lady Goes To College

, , , , , , , | Friendly | March 4, 2019

I grew up in the American midwest but moved 1000 miles away for school. I also attended a college that keeps a live tiger in an enclosure for our mascot. This, combined with my crazy cat person tendencies, led to a joke among my friends that if someone was ever caught breaking into the enclosure to pet the tiger, err on the side of caution and just assume it was me.

Three years after I moved, I woke up one Sunday to texts from a friend at school, my best friend who lived in North Carolina, and my sister, all wanting to confirm I was at school and not in my hometown. Confused, I told them all I was, and they dropped the subject.

A few hours later, I checked Facebook and one of the trending stories caught my eye: a woman got drunk, broke into the zoo in my hometown, fell into the tiger exhibit, and got bitten trying to pet the kitty. Putting two and two together, I texted my friends and sister, wanting to know if they thought I was was that idiot.

My school friend said she was pretty sure it wasn’t me, but wanted to double-check after recognizing my hometown.

My best friend said she wouldn’t have thought it was me, but the woman was drunk, and I am dumb when plastered.

My sister said she was fairly certain it wasn’t me, and wouldn’t have asked, except she got texts from a dozen friends and coworkers asking if it was me, and she wanted a firm yes or no before replying.

After a brief flash of righteous indignation, I realized I wasn’t actually angry, because that is something I would do, and checking that I was a thousand miles away was an entirely reasonable reaction.

But Where Would They Keep The Guns?!

, , , , | Friendly | February 25, 2019

(My British friend and I are on a road trip in the USA that started in California and wound around to Kansas before heading back. She’s been to the states before, but a lot of what’s going on around us still involves some minor cultural differences. She’s also a massive fan of the TV show “Supernatural,” which is how we ended up in Kansas to begin with. We’re stopped at a red light on a four-lane highway when she asks me a question out of the blue.)

Friend: “Are Dodges small vehicles?”

Me: *knowing that’s a question that has an ambiguous answer at best* “Why do you ask?”

Friend: “There’s a story in the fandom that the car in Supernatural was supposed to be a Dodge Charger, but they changed it to an Impala on the day of the first shoot because they couldn’t fit a dead body in the back of the Charger.”

Me: “Ah. Next lane, two cars up. That’s a Charger.” *it is, indeed, a smaller car but I don’t think it’s particularly noteworthy* “And that white thing coming at us is also a Dodge.”

(She looks across at the oncoming traffic and sees a Dodge Ram 3500 with a long box, extended cab, duallies, and a lift kit.)

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: “North American vehicles will fall anywhere between ‘can park it on the sidewalk’ and ‘built to tow a house up a mountain.’ Usually from the same brand.”

(Later, after getting back home, I’m relating this story to my mother. I get as far as telling her about the switch in vehicles before she cuts me off.)

Mom: “You can so stick a dead body in the back of a Charger! Just keep folding! Your grandmother once brought a moose home in a Gremlin, for crying out loud! Heck, given the right incentive, I could fit a body in the hatch of that Fiat we rented in Montreal, and that thing was tiny! They are showing that dead body far too much respect!”

(For the record, every single one of my relatives had the same reaction to this story. Mom’s particular spiel was just the most memorable.)

Don’t Give Starbucks Any Ideas

, , , , , | Friendly | February 9, 2019

(After a high school camping trip, we stop at a diner to eat.)

Father: “I think I’m going to have a big cup of java.”

Friend: *excitedly* “Really? You’re really going to have java? Wow!”

Me: “You realize ‘java’ is just coffee, right?”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: “What did you think it was?”

Friend: “One of those big fancy drinks with all the fruit and umbrellas.”

Even Elon Musk Is Confused

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 8, 2019

Friend: “I want to buy a car that goes on water.”

Me: “Like a boat?”

(She meant RUNS on water, rather than gas.)

One Ring To Bind Them All

, , , , | Friendly | January 26, 2019

(It is the mid-2000s. I’m visiting friends out of state. We’re getting ready to go see a drag show at a local alternative bar. There are four of us: a recently-married couple who are visiting, a male friend, and me. The single guy makes a comment about not wanting to get hit on by other men.)

Husband: “You want to wear a wedding ring so everyone thinks you’re married?”

Wife: “Yes, we have an extra wedding band! We bought the wrong size, and because it is titanium, we couldn’t get it resized. Let me find it.”

(She finds the ring and it fits, so off we head to relax and enjoy the show. We find a space at the bar and are relaxing for a bit before our married friend realizes something.)

Wife: “Hey, [Male Friend], I just realized we ordered the same band for [Husband], only a size down…”

Male Friend: “Yeah…”

Wife: “So… you and [Husband] are wearing matching wedding bands.”

(Watching the realization flit across his face was great. We all had a good laugh about it and how we didn’t catch it earlier. Well, maybe the wife did but waited to see if we’d catch on ourselves. I think he opted to keep the ring on because it’d still work as intended, even if not in the way he’d anticipated.)

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