(My British friend and I are on a road trip in the USA that started in California and wound around to Kansas before heading back. She’s been to the states before, but a lot of what’s going on around us still involves some minor cultural differences. She’s also a massive fan of the TV show “Supernatural,” which is how we ended up in Kansas to begin with. We’re stopped at a red light on a four-lane highway when she asks me a question out of the blue.)

Friend: “Are Dodges small vehicles?”

Me: *knowing that’s a question that has an ambiguous answer at best* “Why do you ask?”

Friend: “There’s a story in the fandom that the car in Supernatural was supposed to be a Dodge Charger, but they changed it to an Impala on the day of the first shoot because they couldn’t fit a dead body in the back of the Charger.”

Me: “Ah. Next lane, two cars up. That’s a Charger.” *it is, indeed, a smaller car but I don’t think it’s particularly noteworthy* “And that white thing coming at us is also a Dodge.”

(She looks across at the oncoming traffic and sees a Dodge Ram 3500 with a long box, extended cab, duallies, and a lift kit.)

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: “North American vehicles will fall anywhere between ‘can park it on the sidewalk’ and ‘built to tow a house up a mountain.’ Usually from the same brand.”

(Later, after getting back home, I’m relating this story to my mother. I get as far as telling her about the switch in vehicles before she cuts me off.)

Mom: “You can so stick a dead body in the back of a Charger! Just keep folding! Your grandmother once brought a moose home in a Gremlin, for crying out loud! Heck, given the right incentive, I could fit a body in the hatch of that Fiat we rented in Montreal, and that thing was tiny! They are showing that dead body far too much respect!”

(For the record, every single one of my relatives had the same reaction to this story. Mom’s particular spiel was just the most memorable.)

(After a high school camping trip, we stop at a diner to eat.)

Father: “I think I’m going to have a big cup of java.”

Friend: *excitedly* “Really? You’re really going to have java? Wow!”

Me: “You realize ‘java’ is just coffee, right?”

Friend: “Oh.”

Me: “What did you think it was?”

Friend: “One of those big fancy drinks with all the fruit and umbrellas.”

Friend: “I want to buy a car that goes on water.”

Me: “Like a boat?”

(She meant RUNS on water, rather than gas.)

(It is the mid-2000s. I’m visiting friends out of state. We’re getting ready to go see a drag show at a local alternative bar. There are four of us: a recently-married couple who are visiting, a male friend, and me. The single guy makes a comment about not wanting to get hit on by other men.)

Husband: “You want to wear a wedding ring so everyone thinks you’re married?”

Wife: “Yes, we have an extra wedding band! We bought the wrong size, and because it is titanium, we couldn’t get it resized. Let me find it.”

(She finds the ring and it fits, so off we head to relax and enjoy the show. We find a space at the bar and are relaxing for a bit before our married friend realizes something.)

Wife: “Hey, [Male Friend], I just realized we ordered the same band for [Husband], only a size down…”

Male Friend: “Yeah…”

Wife: “So… you and [Husband] are wearing matching wedding bands.”

(Watching the realization flit across his face was great. We all had a good laugh about it and how we didn’t catch it earlier. Well, maybe the wife did but waited to see if we’d catch on ourselves. I think he opted to keep the ring on because it’d still work as intended, even if not in the way he’d anticipated.)

(My husband and I are having lunch with his elderly parents and their friend at a small, family-owned Chinese restaurant. This restaurant is noted for using reusable chopsticks — more on that later in the story. The purpose of the lunch is for me to help their friend get her cable bill lowered. I have worked various call center and debt collection jobs over the years, so I am very good at negotiating with these companies. Although this friend is in her 60s, she has been very sheltered her entire life and doesn’t understand much about the world. Her husband also left her a very significant sum of money when he died.)

Me: *to friend* “All you have to do is tell the cable company that you are an elderly widow on a fixed income and that you are having a little bit of trouble paying the bill.”

Parents’ Friend: “But that is a lie! My mama always taught me that you tell the truth at all times!”

Me: “It’s not a lie: you are an elderly widow who is on a fixed income.”

Parents’ Friend: “But a white lie is still a lie!”

(The restaurant owner has brought out our food. My husband and I both ask for chopsticks because we spent a lot of time in Asia while he was in the military and we both love chopsticks. Much to our surprise, the in-law’s friend decides to ask for chopsticks.)

Me: “I didn’t know that you learned how to use chopsticks?”

Parents’ Friend: “No, I’m not going to eat with them; I want them to use as a pokey stick for a sewing project that I am working on.”

(The restaurant owner hands us the chopsticks.)

Me: “You know those are reusable…”

Parents’ Friend: “But I want them!”

Me: “Uh… no. I’m not going to let you steal from a restaurant that [Husband] and I go to all the time!”

Parents’ Friend: “But my sewing book says to use a chopstick to poke out the corner of a seam!”

Me: “You still can’t take them!” *this sheltered old lady looks like she is about to cry* “Anyway, how is taking something from a small business any different than telling a borderline white lie to one of the biggest cable television providers in America?”

(My mother-in-law, who I really don’t get along with, decides to pipe in.)

Mother-In-Law: “Why can’t you let [Friend] just take the chopsticks? You know she has depression!”

Me: “Yeah, and I have Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Asperger’s Syndrome, and ADD. So, your point is? Mental illness isn’t an excuse for stealing! Plus, if she has enough money to continue paying her cable bill, she definitely has enough money to go [Major Retailer] and buy one of those sticks for $5! I will not allow her to embarrass [Husband] and me at a restaurant that we go to all the time!”

Mother-In-Law: “But she needs it for sewing!”

Me: “And that matters why?”

(My mother-in-law then looked like she was about to cuss me out and stood up. I stood up also. My father-in-law decided to ask for the check and ushered his wife and their friend out of the restaurant. When my husband and I got out to the car, we both said that his parents’ friend shouldn’t be living independently because her decision-making is so poor.)