Left The Farm… And The Reservation

, , , | Right | March 18, 2019

(I am working in a farm shop as a student. The shop is located close to a farm but is independent of them from an administrative point of view — just selling some of their products amongst others. The shop is always full of posh people willing to buy local and organic products. I am alone in charge of everything, and ten people are queuing, when some weird lady opens the door of the shop:)

Customer: “I saw a dead pigeon outside the shop.”

Me: “Yes, and?”

Customer: “It has clear signs of poisoning.”

Me: “I don’t know; everything outside our shop does not depend on us because it’s part of the farm, so I cannot tell you.”

(I go back to my customers, but she comes to me again, screaming.)

Customer: “You kill pigeons!”

Me: “I don’t. I have nothing to do with this. Miss, I have many other customers waiting; may I proceed?”

Customer: “You work in this shop; you are responsible!”

Me: “This really does not depend on me. Please go ask the farm responsible about this.”

Customer: *furiously* “I WILL NEVER BUY YOUR PRODUCTS!” *slams the door*

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Getting Them To Open Their Bags Is Murder

, , | Legal | March 16, 2019

(In my store, which is inside a small shopping mall, there has been an increase in theft. The management tells us to ALWAYS ask to open the bags as they come through the checkouts. At one point, a young man walks by a cash register with a backpack.)

Cashier: “Hello, you can open your bag, please?”

Young Guy: *angry* “Why? I don’t want to open it!”

Cashier: “Sorry, it’s now an obligation.”

Young Guy: “But I didn’t steal anything, b****!”

(He looks like he’s ready to hit her. Out of fear, the cashier calls mall security.)

Mall Security Guard: “She asked you to open your bag. That’s the rule.”

(He opens it.)

Young Guy: “There is a bottle, but I already had it when I entered! I introduced it at the reception!”

(The security guard is looking, indeed, at the label that the reception puts on the things customers have on them at the entrance of the store.)

Young Guy: “I knew I would be accused of stealing it if I showed it!”

Mall Security Guard: “No, with this label, there would have been no problem!”

Young Guy: “That’s right!” *he turns to the cashier* “Anyway, I’ll come back. If you ever finish at 7:00, I’ll kill you!”

(The store manager arrives at the checkout in the meantime. The young person pays for his shopping by card and leaves.)

Store Manager: “He paid by card; we have his name. If you want, you can go file a death threat complaint. We’ll cover for you.”

(Too bad he won’t have any trouble for theft since he didn’t steal anything, but he’ll get in trouble for death threats!)

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They Can More Than Bali Understand You

, , , , | Right | March 4, 2019

(I work as a hostess for the restaurant of a hotel which is five minutes away from the Eiffel Tower. As such, our terrace has a gorgeous view, and you can see the feet of the Tower from our tables inside. This makes my job a little difficult as every visitor wants to have “the best view,” and I have to accommodate them. As I’m part Indonesian, I speak it fluently, but rarely see any Indonesian tourists. It is in the middle of winter, and we have no heating on our terrace. A family of three enters the restaurant.)

Me: “Hello! How may I help you?”

(The youngest daughter, who I suppose is the only one who can speak English, replies:)

Customer: “Hi. We would like to have dinner outside.”

Me: “I’m really sorry, but our terrace is closed because of winter.”

Customer: “Well, open it for us.”

Me: “Sorry, but I have no waiters available to serve you outside, and we have no heating; I do have tables available inside, though.”

Customer: “We don’t mind the cold; just bring us the food outside and we’ll eat outside.”

Me: “Sorry, but I’m just following my manager’s orders, and we’re not going to leave you to eat in the cold! I can find you a nice table with a view inside if you want!”

(The customer turns to her parents.)

Customer: “Dia bego deh, katanya ngga boleh duduk diluar, pasti dia aja yang ngga mau kerja.” *She’s an idiot, she’s saying we’re not allowed to sit outside, but I’m sure she just doesn’t want to work.*

Me: “Ada meja didalam kak, bisa keliatan juga Eiffel Towernya.” *I do have tables inside where you can see the Eiffel Tower.*

(The mum started smiling and asked me where I was from in Indonesia, and the daughter turned white as a sheet and dragged her parents out of the restaurant. I just burst out laughing. This story always makes me laugh when I think about the years I worked in that hotel. Another question I have been asked while working there included, “Can we walk from here to the Eiffel Tower?” while literally staring at it.)

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Sleepwalking Away From This Relationship

, , , | Romantic | February 14, 2019

(This takes place four years ago, when I’ve just started dating my boyfriend. I always take a long time to fall asleep, so I’m used to lying in bed next to someone who’s already asleep. My boyfriend and I have been long-distance for about a month and this is his first night at my place. He has been sleeping for about 20 minutes when he rolls towards me and gets up on his elbow.)

Boyfriend: “You know, I don’t want anything serious.”

(That is a big deal, as I thought we both wanted a committed relationship. I have a personal “no one-night-stand” rule.)

Me: “Um… What the f***? What do you mean?”

Boyfriend: *lying back down* “It’s complicated…”

(Something seems off. He has been nothing but very nice and open to conversation up until now, and this answer is out of place. I get up, go to my living room, and try to control my temper, as I’m very explosive. When I come back, I ask him:)

Me: “What was that about?”

Boyfriend: “What?”

Me: “What do you mean what? You know perfectly well what I’m referring to!”

Boyfriend: “Do you know where my leeks are?” *pause* “Oh, that’s embarrassing…”

(And that’s how I found out my boyfriend talks in his sleep. I quickly calmed down and asked him about it in the morning. Of course, he didn’t remember and hadn’t meant a word of it. We live together now, and at least twice a week we chat about random stuff like the price of trout on Mars. It’s very unsettling because his voice isn’t sleepy when he does it and he actually answers me when I talk back, but now I find it funny!)

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Unfiltered Story #140353

, | Unfiltered | February 14, 2019

(We’re in year 2000 or close. As a teenager, I’m slim and “nicely built” (or so I heard), yet I am VERY modest, especially on the chest area, and my family know it and respect it. I don’t mind girls who wear low-cut clothes, I think it’s really great if they enjoy it and I HATE slut-shaming, yet I’d rather get slapped or punched than showing the slightest part of my “parts”. Up to now most girls and women used to wear swimmer one-pieces on the beach, and I loved it. However, bikinis are coming back into fashion and my mom wants to buy me one of those. I accept, thinking she’ll find me a modestly cut two-pieces or anything that’ll cover everything I want to cover. She makes me try a dozen bikinis on. All of them are too low-cut for my tastes, and the shop assistant (he’s male) is staring.)

Me: “Mom, I don’t feel good in any of those.”

Shop assistant: “Are you sure? Because you look great in ALL of those!”

Me: “I don’t feel good. I’d like to try something more modest, please.”

(The shop assistant comes back with a swimsuit that is even more low-cut than the previous one. I’m running out of patience).

Me: “I’d like to try a one-piece on!”

Mom: “But you look so much better in a bikini!

Me: “Mom, EVERYONE looks good in one-pieces! They hide all the flaws!”

Shop assistant: “Which flaws? Your mom’s right, you have a bikini body!”

Me: “It’s MY body and I want to try a one-piece. I just prefer stuff I can swim with without ever losing the straps.”

Mom: “Try this one on before.”

(I try it. It’s still too low-cut for my tastes.)

Me: “I’d prefer a one-piece.”

Shop assistant: “One-pieces are for grandmothers. Is that what you want to do, looking like a granny? That would be a waste!”

Me: “I’d like something that’s not THAT low-cut, please.”

Shop assistant: “Why? You have beautiful breasts.”

(He’s staring at my cleavage and I’m just a girl. I feel dirty. To all shop assistants who read this, if a customer ever tells you she wants something more modest, just give her something more modest. Don’t make her try sexy things on “for her own good” if she doesn’t want to, especially if she’s a teenager. Prude-shaming is just as wrong as slut-shaming.)

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