Sometimes Annoying Fads Have Upsides

, , , , , | Friendly | November 16, 2020

I have been struggling with IBS for a few years and have had a hard time pinpointing what exactly is making me sick. I’ve been to a dietitian. I wrote down everything I ate and my symptoms for weeks and had a blood test to detect coeliac disease, but nothing was conclusive.

Finally, someone suggests a food sensitivity blood test that comes back positive for all things gluten! I am both relieved to have a new hope at controlling my symptoms and panicked at the idea of having to restrict the omnipresent gluten from my diet.

I am going on my first gluten-free grocery shop, and I’m in turn excited to find gluten-free options and sad to give up some of my favourite foods. I go to the “food of the world” section, and since burritos are my absolute favorite and a staple in my diet — meaning every other night is burrito night — I am hoping to find some corn flour tortillas. To my dismay, all of the corn tortillas also have wheat flour in them.

In a very dramatic turn of events, as I prepare to leave and give up on my dearest burritos, my eyes fall on gluten-free tortillas! Elated, I take a ridiculous amount of them and put them in my cart.

As I am looking down on my grocery list, another customer, an older man, approaches.

Customer: “Huh! Would you believe they even have gluten-free tortillas now?! It’s ridiculous, you know, how many products there are now for this fad gluten-free diet.”

Me: *Pause* “Well… I just got diagnosed with a gluten sensitivity.”

I pull my dozens of gluten-free tortillas to show him.

Me: “So I, for one, am very glad to have options so I can stop being in pain so much, y’know.”

The customer mumbles something awkwardly as I leave.

I’m a very non-confrontational person, so this was really big for me.

And since I’ve stopped eating gluten, the improvement has been phenomenal, and I am definitely very happy to have so many good gluten-free products at my disposal!

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Nama-staying In Your Lane

, , , , | Friendly | November 15, 2020

I’m French but currently learning Hindi for a variety of reasons. I mention to an Indian friend that I feel weirdly racist saying, “Namaste,” and stuff like that, especially when using the proper gestures. This friend lives and works in France.

Friend: “Well, do you think it looks racist when I, the brown guy, say bonjour and shake people’s hands when I get to work in the morning?”

Me: “Obviously not. That’s just saying hello.”

Friend: *With a sly smile* “Yeah, so’s saying, ‘Namaste,’ and joining hands.”

Point taken. I felt way less self-conscious after that.

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Sandwiched Between A Bickering Couple

, , | Right | November 2, 2020

I am a flight attendant. I am serving passengers during our meal service, which is an additional fee. An old couple is sitting on each side of the aisle; the lady asks me for a coffee.

Wife: “Ask my husband what sandwich he wants.”

I turn to the husband.

Me: “Sir, your wife wants to know which sandwich you would like?”

The husband looks at me and doesn’t react, so I raise my voice and ask the question again.

Husband: “No, no, not hungry.”

I turn back to the wife.

Me: “He doesn’t want anything, madam.”

Wife: “He is diabetic; he needs to eat something!”

I turn again to the husband and show him the menu.

Me: “Sir, your wife insists you should eat something. Here is the list of sandwiches we have available today.”

Once again, the husband refuses. I tell the lady, who asks me to insist. This goes on for five more minutes, where I go back and forth between the two of them with the husband becoming more and more annoyed at his wife, refusing any option I offer.

I finally give up.

Me: “Madam, I cannot force him to eat, but I can sell you a sandwich, and once he gets hungry you can give it to him.”

Wife: “No, thank you, because if he doesn’t eat it, it’ll go to waste.”

As I’m not the type to force a sale just for the sake of it, I give her the coffee and continue my service. Not five minutes later, as I am back in the galley, my cabin manager runs to me.

Cabin Manager: “[My Name], this old gentleman is feeling unwell! His wife told me he is diabetic and hasn’t eaten anything all day! Give me something for him to eat right now!”

I grab a sandwich.

Me: “Is it by any chance the gentleman in question in row twelve?”

Cabin Manager: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Don’t worry about it… Here’s a sandwich for him.”

Listen to your spouse! They’ve been dealing with you for half their life; they know your needs!

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An Authorized Idiot, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | October 29, 2020

Masks are mandatory in public places. At the supermarket, a customer comes to see me by making gestures.

Customer #1: “There is a young person who has put his mask on incorrectly.”

Me: “Where?”

Customer #1: “In the breakfast section.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll call security.”

Customer #1: “You can’t do anything?”

Me: “No, I can’t move from my checkout and the breakfast aisle is far away.”

One of the security guards sees the guy waving and looking angry and comes in.

Security Guard: “Is there a problem?”

At that moment, the guy who put his mask on badly approaches the exit without shopping.

Customer #1: “He put his mask on wrongly.”

The security guard points out to the other customer that his mask is put on incorrectly, but the customer doesn’t care and the security guards can’t do anything.

Customer #1: “But he hasn’t put his mask back on properly.”

Security Guard: “Yes, we couldn’t do anything as he was leaving the store.”

Customer #1: “What do you mean, there was nothing you could do? Can’t you fine him?”

Security Officer #1: “No, we don’t have the same authority as the cops.”

Customer #1: “Ah! You have no authority!”

He takes off his mask and holds it in his hand.

Security Officer #1: “But you are still in the store; you put your mask back on.”

Customer #1: “No! You have no authority!”

He started hopping and dancing in the aisle, still without his mask on.

An Authorized Idiot

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That Falls Under A Different Umbrella (Corporation)

, , , , , | Friendly | October 28, 2020

Two of my friends are talking about cinema. I don’t know much about cinema.

Friend #1: “Personally, I didn’t like Resident Evil: Extinction.

Me: “They made a film about an ecological movement?”

Friend #1: “What?”

Me: “But you weren’t talking about that? The thing with extinction.”

Friend #2: “Uh, were you thinking about the ‘extinction rebellion’ movement? The environmental movement that advocates civil disobedience?”

Me: “Oops, yes. I confused the two.”

Friend #1: “Oh, no, now I want to see this movement against zombies!”

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