This Museum Is A Snore

, , , , | Related | August 11, 2017

(I am really sick when we go on a family vacation to Paris but I want to push it down and go to the Louvre. After walking all over the Louvre for the day I am exhausted but finally we make it to a sign advertising the Mona Lisa down the mile-long hallway. This happens when we got out of the gallery.)

Dad & Sister #1: “We just looked at the other paintings; they were beautiful!”

Mom & Sister #2: “We only got to see the Mona Lisa for a second before another couple shoved us out of the way, but we still got pictures!”

All of Them: “What did you do, [My Name]?”

Me: *blinking blearily* “Well, first I sat on the bench at the front of the gallery and then, I’m pretty sure I fell asleep for half an hour.”

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Needling Past The Obvious

, , , | Working | June 21, 2017

(One of my friends needs to have her blood drawn for a medical analysis. My friend wears a lot of piercings on her face.)

Me: *to my friend when she gets out* “Was everything okay?”

Friend: “Oh, yes! But something funny happened.”

Me & Girlfriend: “What?”

Friend: “The nurse saw my face, and still asked me if I was afraid of needles.”

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Sorry, I Canada Understand You

, , , , | Working | May 30, 2013

(My cousin, aunt, mother and I are all French-Canadian and speak French and English equally well, but our French has a Canadian accent to it. We visiting France and are at a restaurant.)

My Cousin: *in French* “Hello! I’d like two chicken burgers, chicken nuggets, and a beef burger, all with fries and Diet Coke, please.”

Server: *in English* “Listen, lady, if you can’t speak French, don’t insult us by trying. Now, what was your order again?”

(My cousin is visibly upset by the comment, but repeats the order in English.)

Server: “Okay, your total is [amount] euros. Enjoy your meal.” *mutters in French* “Stupid fat Americans. Who do they think they are?”

Me: “What was that, sorry?”

Server: “Oh, I just said, ‘Have a good day.’ I forgot you don’t understand French.”

Me: *in French* “Let’s see if you understand this: I want to see your manager.”

(The server’s face freezes and she starts apologizing.)

Me: “Manager. Now.”

(The manager comes over and, in French, I explain the situation. All the while the server is giving us dirty looks.)

Manager: *to the server* “What the h*** is wrong with you? Give these people their meal for free. This is coming out of your paycheck.”

Server: “But… but they were being rude! F****** Americans thinking they can speak French! They’re all f****** idiots!”

Me: “We’re from Quebec in Canada, not America, and if you’d bothered to pay attention instead of judging in the first five seconds, you’d hear that my cousin here speaks better French than you do!”

(The server started swearing at us in a mixture of English and French, and was finally forced away from the till by a colleague. The manager apologized profusely and offered us free meals the next time we came!)

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In The Navy, His Fate is Sealed

, , , | Right | November 21, 2010

(The restaurant is near a Navy base and therefore, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, are rude and snotty with my coworkers, complain a lot about the food, talk loudly, and sometimes mock the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lights a cigarette after requesting his bill.)

Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”

Customer: “Yes, I can.”

Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”

(The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)

Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”

(At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)

Customer #2: “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”

Customer: “Yeah, so?”

Customer #2: “You work at the base here?”

Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”

Customer #2: “You know [Name]?”

Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”

Customer #2: “Do you know [Name]?”

Customer: “[Name] is my superior!”

Customer #2: “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”

(The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill, and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)

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Magic Ink

, , | Right | March 29, 2010

(A client comes for her journalist portfolio. She shows me a picture of an architect in front of his building model, showing his back to the camera.)

Customer: “So, you see, I’d like you to flip this picture.”

Me: “Okay, that’s very simple.”

Customer: “Great! This will be awesome. I want him to face the camera.”

Me: “If I flip the picture, it will be all the same, but the guy will be on the left instead of the right, that’s it.”

Customer: “You can’t make him face us? You call yourself a professional?!”

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