Managing The Department Of Truth

, , , , | Right | July 9, 2019

(I usually work mornings in a big home improvement warehouse in the paint department. It’s usually pretty slow with regular contractors coming in. One regular just placed his order and I’m in the process of making it as he talks to another associate.)

Contractor: “He’s too young to be working here. How old is he, 12?”

Associate: “He’s actually the department supervisor. He runs it pretty well.”

Contractor: “Y’all must really be desperate. Shouldn’t you still be in school? Do you know anything about hard work?”

Me: “Sir, my father has a home remodeling company that I’ve been working with since I was 12. I took this job a year ago because I had to pick up some extra bills. I actually quit that job last month when I got this promotion.”

Contractor: “Yeah, it looks like he fired you because you can’t handle it.”

(Trying to hide my frustration, I spill a little bit of paint.)

Contractor: “Oh, you f****** moron. He fired you because you are clueless!”

(The associate then steps back as the customer starts laughing.)

Contractor: “You know nothing; I can see it in your eyes. You can’t handle a real man’s work so you joined this cake job.”

Me: “Sir, not like it’s any of your d***ed business, but I took this job because my father’s business started to fail because of his failing health. I had to quit and find a steadier paycheck to help pay his bills. I am 20 years old. I live in my own house and pay all my own bills, manage a whole department with seven people in it, and am completely self-sufficient. I don’t do drugs or stay up all week partying, and I for d***ed sure don’t critique people I have never met before in my life. Now, I would appreciate if you would stop trying to prove that you are some f****** amazing person when you are just an a**hole!”

Customer: “Where is your manager?! You can’t talk to me like this!”

(The associate that was originally talking to him was wide-eyed and the man started yelling across the store. My manager came running up to figure what was going on, and the customer then started going off about how I cursed him out and how I give horrible customer service. Since he comes in every day, he was given a discount and sent on his way. I was lucky enough not to be fired since the associate vouched for me saying the man started everything. I was only given a write-up.)

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Not The Perfect Way Of Announcing Perfection

, , , , , | Learning | May 23, 2019

Chemistry Teacher: “I believe that if all my students fail an exam, it is my fault. I have obviously not taught the course well enough, and I won’t punish you for my mistakes. Thus, I grade on a curve. For example, say the highest score was 80/100. I will add 20 points to everyone’s scores. If the highest score is 99/100, I will add 1 point to everyone’s score. Does everyone understand this?”

Students: *all nodding*

Chemistry Teacher: “For our first exam of the year, I thought I had made a mistake. So many of you had failed! But I now see that you weren’t paying attention. [My Name] was able to get a perfect score on the exam. There’s no excuse for the rest of you. I’m so disappointed. This is one of eight exams for this semester. In other words, about 10% of your overall grade. Do better next time. [My Name], congratulations.”

(She handed me the test as I shrunk into my seat. The whole class was glaring at me. That was not a fun course.)

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Would You Like To Super-Size Your Bangs Today?

, , , , | Right | September 23, 2018

(I am at a hair salon. The way the system works at this particular location is you write your name down on the sign-in form, and an employee crosses your name out once they put your name on the computer waiting list. My sister and I have already signed in and been added to the computer. I am getting my hair cut and my sister is just waiting her turn, when an elderly man walks in and puts his name on the list. My sister gets called.)

Elderly Man: “Isn’t it my turn now? There was no one before me on the list!”

Employee #1: *explains that my sister was first, because she signed in first*

Elderly Man: “Hmph!”

(My hair is done, I have paid, and I am waiting now for my sister to finish up. The elderly man gets called.)

Employee #2: *to elderly man* “How are you today?”

Elderly Man: “I still don’t understand why I wasn’t next; all the other names were crossed out on the list.”

Employee #2: *patiently repeats what the other employee already said*

Elderly Man: “Hmph!”

(My sister looks uncomfortable. I’m wondering what his problem is, since my sister was obviously there before he came in.)

Employee #2: “How were you wanting your hair cut today?”

Elderly Man: “Cut it medium with the clippers.”

Employee #2: *hesitates, looks confused* “A number three comb?”

Elderly Man: “Medium!”

Employee #2: “I’m not sure what you mean.”

Elderly Man: “Medium! Medium! How can you not know what a medium haircut is?!”

(By this time my sister is done and paying. As we leave, the elderly man is still insisting that he always gets his hair cut “medium.” The poor stylist is flustered and confused.)

Me: *to my sister* “I think he has [Hair Salon] confused with [Fast Food Restaurant].”

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Charged With Theft And Battery

, , , , , | Learning | October 30, 2017

(We are using calculators in class. Our teacher also lets us eat in her class. I open up a pack of cheese crackers)

Classmate: “Give me your crackers.”

Me: “Why?”

Classmate: “Or else I won’t give you back your battery.”

(I turn over my calculator, revealing that one of the batteries is missing.)

Me: “Whatever, I don’t need it.”

Classmate: “Yeah, you do, unless you plan on doing all your work in your head.”

(I pull out an entire pack of batteries and put one into my calculator.)

Classmate: “What the—”

(I proceeded with my work, enjoying my snack throughout. Always be prepared!)

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A Victim Of Fur-Ball Abuse

, , , , | Right | January 6, 2011

(I had helped a customer adopt an adorable short-haired tabby. A few days later, she comes back.)

Customer: “I’d like to exchange this cat. I’m allergic.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We can give you a voucher and you’re more than welcome to look at the puppies we have up for adoption.”

Customer: “No, no. I’d like another cat. A long-hair.”

Me: “You’re allergic though. We can’t adopt more cats to you if you’re just going to bring them back.”

Customer: “You misunderstood. I’m allergic to this one because it’s not–”

(At this point she waves her hand in front of her face.)

Customer: “Fancy.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “It’s just such a boring looking cat. I’d prefer something a little more fancy.”

(She waves her hand in front of her face again. At this point I’m trying really hard not to laugh.)

Customer: “Do you have any exotic *hand wave* cats? Anything *hand wave* fancy? Perhaps a Persian? I wouldn’t be allergic to that. Or maybe a Siamese? I’m not allergic to *hand wave* fancy cats.”

(We ended up taking the kitten back and giving her a refund, but she is eternally barred from adopting cats from us.)

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