Has Millions Of Friends, But Not Millions In The Bank

, , , , | Right | June 6, 2017

(I represent a major telecommunications firm, known primarily here in the USA as being one of the most popular cell phone service providers in the nation. I am currently talking to a customer about setting up a new phone line on her plan.)

Me: “It seems that before we can provide you with a new phone and phone line, we need you to pay your outstanding balance of $656.29.”

Customer: “What?! Why can’t you just add the line now, and I’ll pay my bill later?”

Me: “I apologize, ma’am, but our systems won’t let me add any new lines or equipment to your account until you’ve paid this past-due bill. If you like, I can process a payment with you here over the phone right now.”

Customer: “No way! I can’t afford to pay that right now, and I need this phone for my son!”

Me: “I apologize again, ma’am, but until you pay on your bill, there is nothing more I can do to help you with that.”

Customer: “You bunch of crooks! I’m gonna tell all my friends to stop using your s****y service! I’ve got enough friends that you’re gonna go out of business! I’LL SHUT YOU DOWN!”

Me: *calmly* “So just to be clear, you have enough friends to get the millions of customers we have to leave us and cause one of the world’s largest, international telecommunication firms to go out of business, but you can’t leverage any of that tremendous social influence you possess to raise a few hundred bucks to pay your bill?”

Customer: *click*

Time To Ring Up Those Purchases

, , , , | Romantic | May 31, 2017

(My fiancée and I are looking at wedding rings online. He’s on his phone and I’m at the desktop.)

Fiancée: “I found one I like, but it’s pricier than the last one.”

Me: “Okay, let me see it.”

(He handed me his phone to show me that his “pricier” option was a whopping $57. The price on the one he liked before it? $9. I haven’t laughed so hard in days.)