The Wild, Wild Wet

, , , , , , | Working | February 28, 2018

My dad traveled to Japan a while ago from the USA. When he was at a restaurant, he wanted to order fish.

He asked if some fish they had were wild fish or farm fish. In the US, some fish are caught in the wild, and some are from fish hatcheries where they were fed and raised for consumption.

His waitress didn’t know what my dad meant, and after a while she brought her manager.

My dad asked again whether the fish were wild-caught or farmed. The conversation went on for a few minutes.

After a while, the manager smiled and talked to the waitress in Japanese. Although my dad can’t speak Japanese, the conversation’s meaning was clear due to hand gestures.

The manager told the waitress that the stupid American was asking whether the fish were grown in dirt on farms (pretending to swing a garden rake and other farming motions), or if the fish were hunted in the wild by cowboys (as he pretended to throw a lasso)!

The waitress and manager both had a good laugh about that. My dad just ordered the fish.

They Have A Listening Allergy

, , , , , | Right | February 27, 2018

(I work for a beekeeper selling honey. We have one type specifically for allergies. Honey sticks, however, are pasteurized, and thus have zero allergy benefits.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to buy five honey sticks.”

Me: “Okay, that’ll be one dollar.”

Customer: “Thanks. I’d like to try them for my allergies.”

Me: “Oh, well, if you need something for allergies, I’d recommend [allergy specific honey].”

Customer: “Nah, I’ll take the sticks.”

Me: “Well, we sell the sticks for snacks, but they are pasteurized and have no allergy benefits.”

Customer: “That’s fine.” *turns to husband/boyfriend* “Hey, babe, these will help my allergies.”

Me: “Ma’am, these have no allergy benefits; even if they weren’t pasteurized, you’d need to eat at least five a day.”

Customer: “Great! I’ll put one in my tea. That’ll help my allergies then, too, right?”

Me: *stunned* “Suuuure.”

Customer: “Wonderful!” *hands me a dollar*

Not Quite (Grape) Crushing It

, , , , , | Right | February 26, 2018

(I work at a small Chinese takeout. We do have drinks available, but the selection is definitely not as varied as you might find at larger restaurants. This customer has just placed an order and this happens at the end.)

Customer: “Yeah, and what drinks do you have?”

Me: “We’ve got Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi, Ginger Ale, and Sprite.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take an iced tea.”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have iced tea. We’ve got Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi, Ginger Ale, and Sprite.”

Customer: “Give me a Grape Crush.”

Me: *screaming on the inside* “Again, we have Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi, Ginger Ale, and Sprite.”

Customer: “Do you have Coke Zero?”

Me: *honestly baffled at this point, because I don’t know what part’s not getting through* “Coke. Diet Coke. Pepsi. Ginger Ale. Or Sprite.”

(The kicker? After asking if we could go get him a two-liter bottle of Grape Crush so he could get it with his PICK UP order, he just decided not to get a drink at all.)

Breast To Just Quit While You’re Ahead

, , , , | Working | February 26, 2018

(I’m a vegetarian and one of my favourite veggie foods is meatless “chicken breasts” which, for some reason, are sold in the meat department with the boxes of frozen burgers and whatnot. I realize that it’s been a while since I picked some up so I decide to grab them, but I can’t find them in the usual spot. I go to customer service to ask about it.)

Me: “Hi, I was looking for the boxes of meatless chicken breasts that you guys usually have in the meat department, but I couldn’t find them in the usual spot. Do you know if they’re just sold out, or if they’ve been moved, or something?”

Employee #1: “Meatless chicken breasts?”

Me: “Yeah, they’re [Store] brand, in a blue box. They’re usually in the meat department, with the frozen burgers and stuff.”

Employee #1: “I have no idea. I’ll call the meat department.”

(She pages the meat department three times over the course of a few minutes, with no answer.)

Employee #1: “I’ll be right back.” *leaves*

(At this point it’s been almost ten minutes and my boyfriend, who’s been waiting outside for me, comes over to see what’s taking so long.)

Boyfriend: “What’s going on? Do they have them?”

Me: “I have no idea. She paged them like three times, they didn’t answer, and then she just left. I assume she’s gone to the back to find someone from the meat department, but she didn’t actually tell me anything.”

(My boyfriend goes back outside, and I’m debating giving up and just leaving at about the 13-minute mark when she finally comes back.)

Employee #1: “We don’t have them.”

Me: “What does that mean?”

Employee #1: “We don’t have them.”

Me: “Well, you always used to, so… are they in a different department now? Are they sold out? Will you be getting more in? Or have they been discontinued?”

Employee #1: “I don’t know. They just said we don’t have them.”

Me: “Great.”

Employee #1: “Do you want me to go back and ask them again?”

(Keep in mind, it took her ten minutes to go ask them the first time, and I’ve been waiting for nearly 15, all told.)

Me: *sighs* “No, it’s fine. I don’t have the time. My boyfriend’s waiting for me.”

Employee #1: “Okay, sorry.”

(I start walking away.)

Employee #1: “WAIT!” *I turn back around* “Here he is; this is the guy you need to talk to.”

Employee #2: “What’s up?”

Employee #1: “She’s looking for those fake chicken breasts, the [Store] brand ones.”

Employee #2: “Oh, yeah, we don’t have those.”

Me: *internal facepalm*

When You’re Drunk, Everything Is Vegan

, , , , , | Right | February 24, 2018

(I’m waiting in line for a pizza stand behind a pair of customers. Both of them appear to have one too many drinks in them. They are there to get dinner for their friend.)

Customer #1: “I think he’ll like the pepperoni pizza.”

Customer #2: “Yeah, but it has to be vegetarian. Do you know if pepperoni is vegetarian?”

Customer #1: “I don’t know. It might be.”

(They continue this discussion of whether or not pepperoni is vegetarian until they get to the front of the line.)

Customer #1: *to vendor* “Excuse me, is the pepperoni vegetarian?”

Vendor: “No, it is not.”

Customer #1: “Okay, I’ll have a slice of cheese, then.”

Vendor: “I’m sorry but we’re all out of cheese.”

Customer #1: “My friend is a strict vegan, so he can’t have pepperoni. Do you think it’ll be okay if I just take the pepperoni off?”

Vendor: “W—”

Customer #2: “Yeah! He won’t mind! If we take it all off and tell him it’s vegan, he should believe us!” *to vendor* “One slice of pepperoni pizza, please!”

Vendor: *brief pause* “Okay, that’ll be [price].”

(The friends pay and leave as I make my way to the front of the line.)

Me: *through laughter* “Do they know vegans can’t eat cheese, either?”

Vendor: “They’re about to find out!”

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