Loose-Leaf Becomes Lose-Leaf

, , , , , | | Working | May 29, 2018

(I really enjoy drinking tea, and prefer loose-leaf tea. I keep a couple of air-tight, cylindrical containers full of tea in my office. I have just restocked one with some black tea pearls. This is tea that is compressed and shaped like little balls, which expand as they steep. I have just come back from a meeting to find a coworker in my office dumping my tea into the trash.)

Me: “What are you doing?!”

Coworker: “I was hungry, and I saw you putting snacks in your snack jar, so I ate a few, but they’re rotten. I’m throwing them out so no one else gets sick.”

Me: “Out! Get out! Don’t ever touch my things. If you’re hungry, bring your own food!”

Coworker: “I’m just doing you a favor; you could say, ‘Thank you.'”

Me: “No! You just tossed over a $100 worth of tea in the garbage!”

Coworker: “Well, it tastes awful, so you’re welcome.”

(She then flounced out, and still refuses to see that she did anything wrong. Thankfully ,my garbage was empty and just had a clean plastic bag in it, so I was able to rescue my tea. On the bright side, she now gives me, and my office, a wide berth because of my negative attitude.)

She’s Just Jelly Because She Has Jelly

, , , , , , | Working | May 29, 2018

(I work at a small science museum, and in addition to part-time staff we have volunteers. Most of our volunteers are elders and come with their fair share of quirks. One volunteer is a nuisance to eat lunch with, because she always criticizes what other people are eating. I usually bring reasonably healthy frozen store-bought meals. I cook my own breakfast, and dinner is always freshly prepared. Lunch is my only frozen meal. I always dread if I am scheduled to have a break at the same time as her, as conversations like the following will occur.)

Volunteer: “What are you eating?”

Me: “Chicken fajita rice bowl.”

Volunteer: “What’s in that?”

Me: “Chicken, beans, rice, and seasoning.”

Volunteer: “You could have made that at home, honey.”

Me: “I don’t have time.”

Volunteer: “Find time and freeze it. I freeze everything. What else do you have?”

Me: *hungry and wanting to eat and not talk* “No-junk protein bar.”

Volunteer: “Ugh. Sounds disgusting. What’s in it?”

Me: “Organic coconut, pea protein, almonds, tapioca powder…”

Volunteer: “And a million things you can’t pronounce?”

Me: “No, it’s all raw, organic ingredients.”

Volunteer: “Probably tastes awful.”

Me: “No, they’re really good.”

Volunteer: “Sure they are.”

Me: “…”

Volunteer: “You know, you kids really need to eat more healthily. I always worry about what you eat.”

(The volunteer then started eating her gelatin dessert, and I simultaneously pondered whether she was joking or if I should eat a lump of cold poison for lunch.)

About To Be Some Banana Drama

, , , , , , | | Right | May 25, 2018

(Our produce department has recently started selling dragonfruit, a rare sight around here. Needless to say, they get a lot of confused looks. I’m stocking nearby when a customer calls me over to ask about them. I tell them all I can about how to eat them, what they look like inside, how they taste, etc.)

Customer: “Where do they come from?”

Me: “South and Central America and Southeast Asia, mostly, I think. These…” *reading label* “…are from Vietnam, actually.”

Customer: *tosses the fruit back in disgust* “Are you f****** kidding me? H*** no!”

Me: “Um… Okay.”

Customer: “And another thing, you got any tomatoes that did not come from Mexico? All yours say they came from Mexico. I want American tomatoes.”

Me: “I think we have some from Canada right now.”

Customer: *with disgust* “I said American. You just wait until Donald Trump fixes this; y’all ain’t gonna have none of this foreign s***!”

Me: “I take it you don’t like bananas, either?”

Customer: “Yeah, I do. Why?”

Me: “Nothing. You have a nice day.”

Less Intelligent Than A Potato

, , , , | | Right | May 23, 2018

(I work at a well-known convenience store on the east coast that includes a deli, offering sandwiches, soups, and sides. This occurs about 20 minutes after a customer picks up his order for two soups.)

Customer: “I came in earlier and ordered a baked potato soup and a chicken corn chowder, but you gave me two corn chowders, instead.”

Me: “Sorry about that. Let me just go grab your soup.”

(He hands me the container of corn chowder and I exchange it for the same size of baked potato soup.)

Customer: *yelling* “You did it again! You gave me the wrong soup! What’s wrong with you?”

Me: *checking it, just to be sure* “Sir, I’m confident that this is the baked potato soup.”

Customer: “What are you talking about? This is chicken corn chowder.”

Me: *trying not to sound like an a**hole* “Sir, the chicken corn chowder has corn and chicken in it. You can see there’s no corn in this; it has potato and bacon in it like it says on the menu.”

Customer: “What? I… That isn’t what I wanted. I wanted the baked potato!”

Me: *racking my brain* “Well, that’s what I just gave you… Did you want… mashed potatoes?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(The kicker? He must have eaten an entire container of soup, thinking it was corn chowder, that contained absolutely none of the same ingredients. It doesn’t even have any corn.)

Maybe She Thought It Was Beyoncé’s Album

, , , , , | | Working | May 21, 2018

(In Australia, lemonade is a clear, carbonated, lemon-flavoured drink, like Sprite. Lemon Squash, or Pub Squash, is a yellow, carbonated drink with a stronger lemon flavour. Traditional, non-carbonated lemonade is pretty rare here. I’ve just pulled up to the speaker box at the drive-thru and am finishing placing my order.)

Me: “And a [combo], with a lemonade for the drink.”

Worker: “Sorry?”

Me: “A [combo] with a lemonade for the drink.”

Worker: “And what for the drink?”

(I am being very clear, and I haven’t said a brand name because I can’t remember which soda company’s products this restaurant has: Coke or Pepsi.)

Me: “Lemonade.”

Worker: “Lift?” *this is Coke’s brand name for lemon squash in Australia*

Me: “No, lemonade. Like a Sprite or something.”

Worker: “Oh! We have Sprite!”

(Awkward silence.)

Me: “Yeah… A Sprite.”

(When I drove up to the window, she handed me my food and drink. She looked about 16. I knew from the accent that she was Australian, so she shouldn’t have been confused. I have no idea how she got this far in life not knowing what lemonade was.)

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