Making A Meal Of Not Making A Meal

, , | Right | May 5, 2020

Me: “Hi, what would you like?”

Customer: “I want a meal with large fries and a drink.”

Me: “Which burger would you like?”

Customer: “No, I don’t want a burger.”

Me: “Then I can’t give you a meal.”

Customer: “But I want a burger meal with fries and drink.”

Me: “Okay, so, what burger do you want?”

Customer: “No, no, no! I don’t want a burger!”

Me: “So, you’re saying you want a burger meal without the burger?”

Customer: “Yes! Meal with drink and fries.”

Me: “Well, okay, then. That’s not a meal, though, just for future reference.”

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Your Problems Just Tripled

, , , , , | Right | May 1, 2020

I work in a self-serve ice cream store. We have fifteen flavors that are swapped out every two weeks. They all have somewhat different names; i.e. we don’t have “vanilla,” but we have “Tahitian vanilla,” which tastes identical to regular vanilla. We also do samples for customers who are indecisive. An older man walks into the store, alone.

Me: “Good morning, sir! Welcome to [Business]!”

Customer: “Mornin.’”

I see him carefully observing all of the signs, toppings, and flavors we have, which is usually a sign that they have never been here before.

Me: “Sir, have you ever been here before?”

Customer: “Nope.”

Me: “Oh, well, let me come around to the front and give you an explanation!”

I go through the entire spiel and once I’m done, I notice him take a self-serve bowl.

Me: “Can I get you any samples, sir?”

Customer: “Do you have any chocolate? My wife sent me here and she wants chocolate.”

Me: “Yep, we have ‘triple chocolate’ in the first machine. It’s really yummy.”

Customer: “No! That’s not what I asked for! She wants just chocolate!”

Me: “I assure you, sir, it tastes like standard chocolate ice cream.”

Customer: “She’s not going to like it because it’s not what she asked for! Just forget it!”

The customer slams the cup down on a nearby table and storms out.

Me: “Have a nice day, sir!”

My manager, who must’ve seen the whole thing on the security camera live-feed, pokes her head out from the back.

Manager: “What was that all about?”

Me: “He wanted chocolate and not triple chocolate.”

Manager: “But they taste the same!”

Me: “That’s what I told him.”

Manager: “Weird.”

My manager goes back into her office. I take the cup the man had touched and throw it out, and then I go back behind the counter. No sooner do I get back there than the old man comes storming back inside.

Customer: “Do you still have my cup?!”

Me: “No, sir, I threw it out due to the fact that it was unsanitary.”

Customer: “Well, that was a stupid thing to do; now I need to get a new cup! I talked to my wife. She was fine with triple chocolate.”

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Call It Whatever You Want; It’s Still Gross

, , , , , | Working | April 29, 2020

I work at a movie production office in Canada.

US Movie Producer: “Can you please get me a case of La Croy?”

Me: “Of… what?”

US Movie Producer: “La Croy.”

Me: “I don’t know what that is.”

He pulls out a drink can of LaCroix and holds it up.

Me: “That’s La Croix.”

US Movie Producer: “No. It’s pronounced La Croy.”

We go back and forth for a bit until he pulls up the drink’s website which says, “La-CROY. It rhymes with ‘enjoy’.”

Me: “Well, it’s in our national anthem, so I’m going to stick with La Croix.”

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Hearts, Stars, And Horseshoes… And The Yucky

, , , , | Related | April 29, 2020

I am thirteen and my little brother is eight. My mom buys a box of cereal with a leprechaun on the front.

Me: “Mom, don’t buy that. It’s gross.”

Mom: “Huh?”

Me: “That cereal should be called ‘Yucky Charms.’ They’re not delicious. Get me some Mini Wheats.”

Mom: “Your brother loves it.”

Me: “But, Mom, he only likes the marshmallows!”

As predicted, my bratty brother eats only the marshmallows of the cereal and leaves the rest for weeks.

Me: “Mom, we need more cereal!”

Mom: “There is still some left.” 

She points to the semi-eaten box.

Me: “I’m not eating that. Your kid ate only the marshmallows. They’re ‘Yucky Charms.’ He ate all the charms and left only the yucky!”

Mom was mad at him for only eating the sweet stuff and not all of it, and at me for refusing to finish it. She refused to buy any more and that box sat there for YEARS until she pulled it down and wondered aloud why it was there. I explained again and she just shook her head and put it back!

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Mashing Themselves Into A French Fry Frenzy

, , , , , | Working | April 29, 2020

I’m in line behind my friend at a now-defunct steakhouse chain whose slogan is “More Bigger, More Better! Nicer!” It is set up cafeteria-style, where you order your steak at the start of the lane and then proceed down the line to get all your sides, drinks, dessert, etc. You pay at the register at the end and they bring your steak to your table once it’s done. My friend gets to where you can choose your type of potato and he chooses French fries. The server places a noticeably small amount of fries on his plate, so few that you could count how many fries were on his plate.

Friend: “Excuse me, could you please put more fries on my plate?” 

Server: “I’m sorry, but that’s the standard amount we give out.”

Friend: *Incredulous* “Seriously? You’re telling me that this is the standard amount of fries I get? That’s not how it’s been at your other locations.”

Server: “I’m sorry, but the amount we’re told to give out.”

Friend: “Hey! Your motto is ‘More Bigger, More Better! Nicer!’ Put more fries on there!”

The server then picks up the service tray holding the fries and dumps the whole thing — which was more than a quarter full — out on my friend’s plate, which is now overflowing with a mound of French fries.

Friend: *Sarcastically* “Thank you!”

Server: “You’re welcome!”

Me: *To the server* “I think I’ll have the mashed!”

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