Even The Fish Are On Diets

, , , , | Right | June 22, 2018

(I am a cook, and the to-go girl comes back to ask a question about the catch of the day for a customer.)

To-Go Girl: “This lady is gluten-free. She wants to know if she can safely eat the swordfish.”

Me: *blank stare* “Yes, fish is gluten-free.”

Your Beaver Sets The Room On Fire

, , , , , , , | Working | June 21, 2018

I used to work in a very international office. There were two classes of workers: analysts — mostly Canadian-raised — and phone researchers — mostly international. For whatever reason, the analysts almost all bought their lunches. I was the only analyst who consistently brought lunches from home, and I ate them with the researchers in their lunch room. I was the only native English speaker who ate there.

One of the researchers was from France. He was friends with a neighbour of his, a fellow who was into hunting. One day, my French colleague came in very excited. His neighbour, the hunter, had gone on a hunting trip and had brought him some cooked moose meat and beaver meat, figuring that he’d never had them before. My French colleague brought the meat to work to share with the rest of us.

I found out about this as I was on my way to the lunch room when my French colleague yelled down the hall, “Who wants to eat beaver with me?”

I had to explain to everybody in the room why that was both completely inappropriate and hilarious.

He was so flustered after that that he put the beaver meat into the microwave still in the tin foil, which caused sparks and made the meat explode all over the inside of the microwave — so none of us actually got to taste the beaver meat. We did all share the moose meat, though, and it was fine.

Donut Give Me More Donuts

, , , , , , , | Learning | June 21, 2018

(I started teaching at this school halfway into the year. I’m a relatively new teacher, so I’m still a bit timid in the staff room. I am also often self-conscious about my eating habits. I go out one day in June, a few weeks before the end of the school year, to grab a coffee at lunch. I come back with a donut. It’s a pretty extravagant-looking thing and catches the other teachers’ attention.)

Teachers: *commenting on the delicious donut*

Me: “I know, I know. It’s really unnecessary; I shouldn’t have bought it. But I’m having salad for dinner tonight, so I guess I can kind of justify it.” *apologetic smile*

(Immediately, three teachers whip their heads up to look at me.)

Teacher #1: “IT’S JUNE.”

Teacher #2: “That’s all the justification you need.”

Teacher #3: “In fact, that’s not enough. Have this, too.” *breaks off half of her cookie and slides it over to me*

A Hole Lot Of Guessing

, , , , | Healthy | June 19, 2018

(I am a type-one diabetic and have been for 18 years. I am using an insulin pump, and to give myself correct amount of insulin, I have to calculate the amount of carbohydrates I have eaten. Note that carbohydrates represent a half of the weight of a piece of bread. This happens when I come home from school with hypoglycaemia when I’m 11.)

Dad: “What have you eaten today? Did you give yourself the right amount of insulin?”

Me: “Well, I ate a piece of bread and gave myself insulin for a third of its weight.”

Dad: “Why?!”

Me: “It had large holes!”

Cheesing Off The Boss

, , , , , | Right | June 19, 2018

(I’ve just sent out an order of pasta that’s typically served with sauce on top and just a sprinkle of fresh parmesan. My boss, who is the waitress this day, returns with it just a moment later, huffily stuffs it in a baking dish, and covers it with mozzarella cheese.)

Me: “What’s wrong?”

Boss: “She says she always gets it baked with cheese on top.”

(She begins to put it in the oven.)

Me: “Did she ask for it like that? I could have made it like that.”

Boss: “No, she says this is just the way it comes and she’s always gotten it like that.”

Me: “I’ve never served it like that. I don’t think I’ve ever even had someone ask for it like that.”

(I work no less than four or five days a week, and two of them are double shifts, so I’m almost always there.)

Boss: “Well, that’s what she said!”

(She pulls it out of the oven and re-plates it.)

Me: “Hmm… Well, be sure to ask her what days she normally comes in so we can ‘yell’ at whoever has been making it wrong this whole time.”

Boss: *chuckles* “Okay!”

(She returns a few moments later.)

Boss: “Now she’s changed her story to, ‘A good friend recommended the dish to her and told her that was the way it came and she was confused.’”

Me: “Uh-huh, I’m sure.”

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