A Spoon-Fed Principle

, , , , | Related | January 3, 2019

(Neither of my kids has ever liked cereal in a bowl with milk. They basically don’t like milk at all. However, they will often snack on cereal straight from the box while they watch TV or play video games. This tends to generate lots of crumbs, which drives me nuts.)

Me: “Can you please pick up the crumbs and stop eating like an animal? It’s a mess in here.”

Son: “They’re small! They drop! I mean, what am I supposed to do, eat them with a spoon?”

Me: “Um, technically, yeah…”

(At least he admitted I had a point after that one.)

Lettuce Reconsider What A Salad Can Be

, , , , , | Right | January 2, 2019

My freshman year of college, I lived in the dorms, and my building had one of the more popular cafeterias on campus.

One day, I’m getting lunch and standing at the salad bar, waiting to go down the line. A guy in front of me has a large salad bowl and a small plate on a tray. He reaches the lettuce in the salad bar and stacks both the bowl and the plate completely full of lettuce. It’s towering over and nearly filling the entire tray by the time he’s done. He doesn’t get anything else from the salad bar and walks away to sit down.

To this day I hope he enjoyed his all-lettuce, no-nutrients, basically-water lunch.

My Father The Hero Sandwich

, , , , | Related | January 2, 2019

(My mother and I have a preference for a certain sandwich chain shop where you can order a six-inch or foot-long sandwiches with your choice of salads, sauces, etcetera. We have a go-to order so we can get through the system quickly, but every time my Dad goes into one of these stores, the same thing happens:)

Mum & I: “We’ll have the [Foot-Long Sandwich] on [bread], please.”

Mum: “Cheese and toasted, please.”

Me: “No cheese, and no toasted, please.”

Dad: “I’ll take some of that beef, and some of that bacon, and throw some of that other meat on there.”

(At this point the staff always look confused, as that is not one of the “set” combos, meaning pricing will be difficult.)

Me: “Dad, you can’t ask for that; you need to pick a sandwich type from the boards.”

Dad: “But I just want a mix of things.”

Me: *desperately scanning the boards for something with that combination of meats* “Well, why not try [other sandwich]?”

Dad: “Fine, but I don’t understand why they can’t have a selection of meat like they do the salad section?”

Server: “And would you like cheese on this, sir?”

Dad: “Sorry?”

Server: “Do you want cheese on this sandwich, sir?”

Dad: “Oh, does it come with cheese, then?!”

(Every. Single. Time. So, to staff at this chain: I’m sorry. I do try and get him to pick a sandwich type, honest!)

A Dream Is A Wish Your Stomach Makes

, , , , , , | Working | January 1, 2019

(I enjoy feeding friends, and I often bring snacks into work. Some snacks are more memorable than others.)

Coworker: “When are you going to bring fudge in again?”

Me: “Which type?”

Coworker: “The peanut butter, tiger-swirled one.”

Me: *grinning* “I’ve been thinking about it.”

Coworker: “I’ve been dreaming about it.”

(It’s probably time to bring it in again. Soon.)

Steak, Soup, Soda, Save Me!

, , , | Right | December 30, 2018

Me: “Good evening! What can I get you guys to drink?”

Customer #1: “Steak.”

Customer #2: “Soup.”

Me: “Umm… okay, you know what? I’ll get you guys a menu in a second. Unfortunately, we don’t have steak on our menu right now, and we have two different kinds of soup. Could I get you something to drink first?”

Customer #1: “Yeah. A soda.”

Me: “Alrighty, what kind of soda?”

Customer #1: “Just a soda.”

(That was a long night.)

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