It Probably Was Before It Was Caught

, , , , , | Right | July 4, 2018

(I am working on a seafood buffet at a function for high school students.)

Student: “Which of your dishes are vegan?”

Me: “I’m not entirely sure; let me ask the chef.”

(I go and ask the chef, and come back to inform the student.)

Student: “Okay, great. Thanks. What about the fish?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Student: “The fish. Is it vegan?”

Me: “Uh…”

Burrito-No-No, Part 3

, , , , , , | Right | June 29, 2018

Customer: *in front of me* “I’d like a chicken burrito.”

(The employee puts chicken on a tortilla.)

Customer: “Also beef.”

(The employee adds a smaller amount of beef.)

Customer: “And pork.”

Employee: *adding the pork* “Black beans or pinto beans?”

Customer: “Both.”

(This continues through the salsas and vegetables, plus extra cheese, sour cream, and guacamole. The customer wants some of everything. Finally, he gets to the end of the line, with a tortilla under a heap of food.)

Customer: “Oh, can you stir all of that together? That will be to go.”

(The customer then went to the register where another employee rang him up. The first employee used a spoon to stir the pile. It was clearly not all going to stay inside the tortilla, or even the foil wraps they use. Instead, since the customer wasn’t looking, he got a roll of foil, pulled off a large piece, and wrapped the whole mess up. I cannot imagine what it looked like when the customer opened it. He deserved whatever mess it made!)

Pastafarianism Is Not For Me

, , , , , | Related | June 27, 2018

(My father is very much an “eat everything on your plate” parent. When I am preschool age, he often cooks up this pasta dish with ground beef, macaroni, and tomato sauce that I absolutely hate. Suppers with this dish often drag on for hours, because I just cannot eat this dish and would rather go hungry.)

Dad: “Oh, for crying out loud. Just f****** eat it already.”

Me: *tries to stuff forkful in my mouth at once, only to gag*

Dad: *cursing and swearing* “Stop acting up and eat it.”

Me: “I can’t!”

(My mom wordlessly gets up and leaves the dining room, returning a bit later with a plate of corn — something I like, but my father hates. She sets the plate down in front of my father.)

Dad: “What the f*** is this?”

Mom: “You need to finish the whole plate. If she has to eat something she hates, then so do you.”

Dad: *grumbles, snatches my plate away from me, and storms out of the room*

(From then on, I never had to eat the pasta dish. Instead, my mom would cook some of the ground beef on its own and would give it to me with some vegetables. Twenty years later, though, just the smell of pasta cooking makes me feel nauseated.)


, , , , , | Related | June 25, 2018

(My brother used to love fried okra as a kid, and would get it every time we went to a restaurant that served it. We never realized he didn’t know it was a vegetable, until one day he bites a piece in half instead of eating it whole.)

Brother: *looking at the cross-section of okra in his hand* “Hey, what’s this green stuff in my fried okra?!”

Mom: “That’s the okra.”

Brother: “Then what’s the brown stuff on the outside?”

Mom: “That’s the ‘fried.'”


Not Seasoned Enough To Know The Difference

, , , , | Right | June 25, 2018

(I am stocking pasta sauce when a customer walks up.)

Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Which of these sauces provides the most authentic Italian experience?”

Me: “Um… Well, I know that [Brand #1] is very popular, though I’m partial to [Brand #2]…”

Customer: “Yes, but which is the most Italian?”

Me: “I don’t believe any of these brands are from Italy, but this one mentions Italian seasoning, if you’re interested?”

Customer: “Never mind. I’ll just get this.” *grabs a can of tomato paste and wanders off*

(In hindsight, I maybe should have stopped him, but I was just too stunned!)

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