A Chip Of Politeness

, , , , , , | Hopeless | November 5, 2017

(Our gas has been temporarily disconnected, as we’re getting a new boiler installed, so I pop to the fish and chip shop to get dinner for our family. I’ve not been in there before.)

Me: “Hi, can I have a standard cod and chips, please, a battered sausage and chips, and two fishcakes?”

Employee: “Of course, love. Any sauces?”

Me: “Oh, yes. Curry sauce, please.”

Employee: “Okay, coming right up.”

(She then scoops out the two standard portions of chips.)

Employee: “Salt and vinegar on these ones, love?”

Me: “Oh, yes, please, both on that one. Thanks.”

(I notice at this point that she puts another scoop of chips in the bag.)

Employee: “And the cod wrapped together?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

(She adds another scoop of chips, and wraps them up.)

Employee: “And on the second chips, salt and vinegar?”

Me: “Just salt please.”

(She adds another scoop of chips to this lot, as well. I think I can see what’s happening here.)

Employee: “And the battered sausage wrapped with these, fishcakes separate?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

(Another scoop of chips. She repeats my order back to me while wrapping the fishcakes and curry sauce cup.)

Employee: “Anything else for you tonight, love?”

Me: “No, thanks; that looks great. Thank you.”

(Another massive scoop of chips. She confirms what I suspected.)

Employee: “Just in case you’re wondering, every time someone says ‘please’ or ‘thank you,’ I give them another scoop of chips. The clever people like you work that out. Although I think you were brought up right; you say your ‘pleases’ and ‘thank-yous’ to everyone, I bet.”

Me: “What a great idea! It’s a shame that you have to reward people for what should be a common courtesy, but I’m glad it works for you. Goodnight, and thanks for all the chips!”

(Of course, I now had more chips than a family of four could possibly eat, but they did us until we got our gas turned back on the next day!)

Tea Total Was Less Than The Total

, , , , , | Working | November 5, 2017

(I’m lounging between lectures and decide to grab a tea from the local café on campus. As I’m walking out, I take a sip and instantly take the lid off, realising that it is, in fact, just hot water. I go back in.)

Me: “Excuse me. You forgot to include the bag.”

Employee #1: “No, I didn’t. I left it in just enough.”

Me: “Evidently not. There’s no taste whatsoever.”

Employee #1: “Exactly.”

Me: *pauses* “Well, I like my tea a bit stronger than water. So, could I have another bag, please?”

Employee #1: “If you want another bag, you have to buy another tea.”

Me: “But you messed this one up. I’ve literally paid for hot water.”

Employee #1: *repeats herself*

(I see another employee walk behind the counter and just decide to ask her instead.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could I get another teabag, please? This isn’t strong enough.”

Employee #2: “Again!” *shrugs* “Sure.”

(She hands a new one over to me, but [Employee #1] snatches it.)

Employee #2: “What are you doing?”

Employee #1: “You can’t let her have it. Tea is disgusting and stains your teeth. I won’t be responsible for bad dental hygiene. I gave her just enough flavouring to satisfy her addiction. I am not enabling her!”

([Employee #2] and I stare at each other in disbelief. She picks up another teabag and [Employee #1] tries to intercept it. [Employee #2], however, throws it at me and I catch it in my cup.)

Me: “Cheers! Oh, and—” *to [Employee #1]* “—my ‘dental hygiene’ and ‘addiction’ are none of your business, thank you.”

(I left and got on with my day. Two years later, [Employee #1] still works there, but she now only takes out food. She’s no longer allowed to handle drinks.)

Going Loco Over The Location

, , , , , | Right | November 4, 2017

(I am working in the produce department of a grocery store. I am cutting up fruit with the more experienced [Coworker #1], who is just a little younger than me, when [Coworker #2] who is doing stock for produce, walks in.)

Coworker #2: “Hey, [Coworker #1], a customer asked whether we get our grape tomatoes from Mexico or the US. I told her I’d ask you because I don’t know.”

([Coworker #1] and I look at each other with confusion for a second, wondering why someone would ask that, before [Coworker #1] responds uncertainly.)

Coworker #1: “I… think we get them from Mexico? I’m not sure.”

(As they’re talking about it, I suddenly have a thought. [Coworker #1] goes into the refrigerated room where we keep all the produce stock, and I ask [Coworker #2]:)

Me: “Hey, is the customer an older white lady?”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, why?”

(I laugh and nod my head in confidence before explaining.)

Me: “I bet you that if you tell her they’re from the US, she’ll buy them, but if you tell her they’re from Mexico, she’ll put them back.”

(We both laugh, but I am very confident in my theory, as we live in an area that is pretty close to the countryside and full of elderly white people. [Coworker #1] comes back in and confirms that we do, indeed, get our grape tomatoes from Mexico, and I restate my theory to her. When [Coworker #2] leaves to tell the woman that the tomatoes are indeed from Mexico, I ask him to tell me what she says. Later on, I bump into [Coworker #2], and he tells me what happened. He walked back to this woman who was still holding the small plastic container of the tomatoes in her hand.)

Coworker #2: “So, I just checked with one of the people from produce, and she told me that we get those tomatoes from Mexico.”

Customer: “Oh, okay.”

Coworker #2: “I’m sorry about the wait.”

Customer: *while looking him in the eye* “I’m sorry, too.”

(She then put the tomatoes back and just walked away. I whisper yelled, “I knew it!” and we both laughed about it for the rest of the day. Just to clarify, every person involved in this was white, including me.)

Have Reached Your Mac Potential

, , , , , | Romantic | November 3, 2017

(My wife likes to make mac and cheese from scratch, but I usually make it from a box.)

Wife: “Do we have any cheese?”

Me: “I think so.”

Wife: “If we do, I’ll make mac and cheese.”

Me: “Wait, why do you need cheese for mac and cheese?”

(I caught my error, but my wife teased me for a few minutes.)

A Meat Coochie Would Have Just Been Too Much

, , , , | Healthy | November 2, 2017

(I work at a hospital, and it’s my job to get the food orders for all the patients. This occurs one morning during the breakfast rush.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling room service. My name is [My Name]. Can I get your name and room number, please?”

(The patient tells me their name and room number.)

Me: “All right, what can I get for you this morning!”

Patient: “I want the coochie!”

Me: “I’m sorry… you want what?”

Patient: “The coochie! The vegetable coochie!”

Me: “The… quiche?”

Patient: “Yeah, that!”

(The rest of the order went on normally, but I had to mute myself because I was laughing so hard.)

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