Sweet Mystery Sauce

, , , , , , , , | Related | September 9, 2018

I will start off by saying that my mom is a very sweet and kind lady. However, sometimes she can be a little… judgy, especially towards my husband. He is more than aware of this, but they usually get along pretty well.

My mom recently had a project for work — involving crafting and kids — that used sugar. She had no idea how much sugar she would need, so she did what any reasonable person would do; she bought a large 35-pound bag of sugar. She didn’t need nearly that much, and is now up to her elbows in sugar. She has started storing it in large containers and putting them in the freezer.

Notably, my husband and I go through a lot of sugar, the biggest contributing factor being that he is a hopeless coffee addict. One evening, I’m getting ready to leave my parents’ house when it starts storming. My husband had asked me earlier in the day to stop at the store on the way home and pick up sugar. Upon seeing the rain, I mention to my mom that I don’t really feel like stopping. She goes to the freezer and pulls out what is probably about three or four pounds of sugar and gives it to me, telling me to let her know if I need more. I thank her and head out.

Not two weeks later, we have used most of the container, and I estimate that we will be out in a day or two. I mention to my husband that I will probably ask for more sugar when I see my mom next. He suggests buying some from the store because he “doesn’t want my mom’s judgment about our sugar usage.” I wave him off, and my mom is happy to unload more sugar.

A couple days later, I mention to my husband that she didn’t seem to care about our rate of sugar intake. In fact, she had more to say about the fact that I had brought my drink from home with me when I went to visit, instead of taking one that she offered!

My husband was silent for a moment before finally saying, “Your mother is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, and slathered with mystery sauce.”

Needs To Deli-cately Tell Them To Leave

, , , , , | Right | September 9, 2018

(It’s time to close the deli. As usual, the last minute customer rushes in in a panic.)

Customer: “You aren’t closed yet are you?”

Me: “No problem, I can still help you. What can I get you?”

Customer: “Ummmmmm, let’s see…”

(Two minutes tick by as the customer sucks at her teeth and disregards suggestions with silence as though I am not there.)

Customer: “How much is this brand of roast beef compared to that brand?”

(I tell her. She doesn’t like it. So I wait…)

Customer: “How many nitrates does this one have?”

(I show her the back of the meat package.)

Customer: *pouts* “This doesn’t tell me anything.”

(And I am supposed to know?)

Customer: “How long until it expires?”

(I told her. She then ordered three very thin slices of bologna and left, ignoring my thanks. How wasteful and irritating it was to open a whole package of meat, at closing time, for someone who practically came to the counter to enjoy treating someone else like crap.)

You Say Potato, I Say What?

, , , , , | Working | September 8, 2018

(I work at the front desk. We’ve just gotten a delivery and a coworker comes up to collect it. She’s eating something.)

Me: “Hey, [Coworker]. Good apple?”

Coworker: “Potato.”

Me: “What?”

Coworker: “It’s a potato.”

Me: “You’re straight up eating a potato?”

Coworker: “Yeah. With salt.” *takes delivery and walks away*

No Point Crying Over Soyed Milk

, , , , , | Right | September 6, 2018

(I worked for a few years in the college dining services. Most of my job was to be a cashier or server at the dorm’s dining commons. I lived in the dorms so the residents knew who I was and would be friendly to me. But one night I was approached by a guest who was brought in to eat with her friend.)

Customer: “Hey, so I got this cereal, and I want to put milk on it, but I don’t know which one since I’m lactose intolerant.”

Me: “Oh, well, if you’re using the machine next to the soda fountain, you wouldn’t be able to use either because—”

Customer: “This is cereal. I have to put SOMETHING on it and not water. Besides – I don’t know for sure if I am lactose intolerant but I don’t want to find out the hard way you know?”

Me: “Ma’am, I understand that you feel that way. However, the only milks in that machine are whole milk and chocolate milk. If you are indeed lactose intolerant, you’d need soy milk, which we have in the back. Would you like me to get that for you?”

(The customer walks off in a huff, shouting to her friends:)

Customer: “See? I told you this b**** doesn’t know anything!”

(She approaches my coworkers to ask for the manager to make a complaint about the b**** (me) and meanwhile I’m sitting at my post dealing with other customers. My manager approaches me some time later:)

Manager: “Were you approached by a customer about milk?”

Me: “Yes, why?”

Manager: “She told me that you were being b****y to her and didn’t give her what she needed.”

(I tell my manager in detail my side of the story. She nods as I do.)

Manager: “Did you tell her we had soy milk in the back?”

(I nod.)

Manager: “Well, then why is she making a fuss over this? You gave her the answer she was looking for!”

They Had One Job…

, , , , , , , | Working | September 6, 2018

When products get recalled, our managers print out a copy of the information regarding the recalled products for the service desk. We’ve had quite a few recalled products lately. One was front page news — bacteria outbreak — when it happened, but a few others were merely typos on the labels. This particular event, I was working the desk with my little sister when we got handed a recall notice.

Notice: “These [breaded oysters] are being recalled because some packages contained broccoli instead of oysters.”

We still haven’t figured out how anyone could mistake broccoli for oysters, but this happened.

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