That Old Favorite Of Vegetarians

, , , | Right | January 8, 2019

(I work in a chain restaurant. A new steak night deal has started and I have just finished explaining the criteria of the deal to this couple.)

Me: “So, it’s a bottle of wine and two steaks for £20 —  quite a good deal as it’s nearly half price.”

Customer: “Right, yes, that is a good deal. So, is there any vegetarian option?”

Me: “No, I’m afraid not, only steaks.”

Customer: “What?! So, not even a gammon or anything?”

(Because apparently, pigs are vegetables. Who knew?!)

A Recipe For Misunderstanding

, , , , | Friendly | January 8, 2019

(I live in the outlying islands of Hong Kong. Not to brag, but I make a cracking veggie sausage roll. Friends both veggie and carnivorous rave about them and I am always happy to give out the recipe. One weekend we are invited to a barbecue at a friend’s place, so I make a batch to take along — barbecues can be fairly miserable for vegetarians. I pop them on the table of snacks and grab myself a drink. Presently I am introduced to a young woman who has recently moved to the island. The following ensues:)

Young Woman: “These sausage rolls are delicious! It’s so nice to have proper veggie food at a barbecue!”

Me: “Aw, thank you! I absolutely agree; my husband and I are both veg and we love them, too.”

Young Woman: “You must give me the recipe!”

Me: “Oh, hang on.”

(I am about to tell her what goes into the rolls but my attention is diverted to my overly-helpful two-year-old trying to carry three plates at once. I bend down to take them off her and gently tell her just to take one since they’re heavy. Straightening back up, I am greeted with…)

Young Woman: “WELL, FINE! I suppose it’s one of these bloody secret family recipes is it?”

Me: “No, no, it’s—“

Young Woman: “I can’t stand people like you. You all think you’re so clever and above all of us, and you don’t even have the decency to share a little love!”

Me: “No, no, really! It’s—“

Young Woman: “SHARE A LITTLE LOVE!” *flounces out*

Friend: “It’s not a secret recipe, is it? You gave me the recipe after Christmas.”

Me: “You know me; I’m all about sharing the love!”

Lactose But No Cigar

, , , , , , | Right | January 8, 2019

(I work in a grocery store in the deli department. It is very close to closing time for our department. I’m pretty tired when this customer approaches me.)

Customer: “Do you have any lactose cheese?”

Me: “Um… we’re done slicing for the night, but I can help you look on the shelf. What kind of cheese?”

Customer: “I don’t know, lactose cheese!”

Me: “Ma’am, lactose just means it has milk in it. Are you looking for a swiss, a cheddar—“

Customer: “Yes! Cheddar!”

Me: “Okay.”

(We go look and I find that all the cheddar cheeses on our shelves have milk, and therefore lactose, in them.)

Me: “Was there a specific brand you were looking for?”

Customer: “I don’t know! He just needs lactose cheese for his diet! He has to have lactose!”

Me: “Well… all these cheeses have lactose in them… but I’ve never heard of needing lactose for a diet. I’ve heard of lactose-free cheese—“

Customer: “Yes! Lactose-free!”

Me: *sudden realization* “Ohhh, you mean lactose-free cheese… Um…”

(My coworker sees me struggling with this customer.)

Coworker: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yes! Lactose cheese!”

Me: “Lactose-free cheese…”

Coworker: “Ah, yes, that would most likely be in our kosher section.”

Me: *lightly slaps head* “Urgh, how did I forget about the kosher section?”

Coworker: “It’s just down here, this way.”

(My coworker finished helping the customer find the cheese while I went back to the department to finish cleaning the last slicer and marvel at how brainless both the customer and I were.)

Time To Tell Them Everything

, , , | Right | January 7, 2019

(I work in a store that sells over 75 high-end balsamic vinegars and olive oils. Most of them are infused and are good for mixing and matching. I have this exchange multiple times a day.)

Customer: “What’s good on a salad?”

The Only Cake That Can Make You Feel Blue

, , , , | Right | January 6, 2019

(I am serving a customer who has only said one thing to me: that she wants blue cheesecake. We only have one cake available made with blue cheese, and she nods that she wants it. I show it to her and she takes it, pays, and leaves. About an hour later she comes back in.)

Customer: “I asked for a blue cheesecake earlier, but your worker only gave me this ugly one!”

Me: “I was the one who served you, actually. I asked you if you were happy with the cake and even showed it to you.”

Customer: “But it isn’t blue.”

Me: “It is. That is the only blue cheesecake we offer.”

Customer: “But it isn’t blue.”

Me: “I don’t know what else to tell you. That cake was made with blue cheese. I made it myself this morning.”

Customer: “But it isn’t blue!”

Me: *finally clocking on* “Wait. You want a cheesecake that is coloured blue, not one made with blue cheese?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

(I ended up refunding her and having to throw the cake out, as she had literally ripped the middle out to find the “blue.” If only customers actually paid attention when they bought things, it would make my life a lot easier.)

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