She’s Not Whole-y There

, , , , | Right | April 2, 2019

(I am taking an order this morning and the customer orders an iced cafe drink that has a choice of whole or nonfat milk.)

Customer: “Hello. Could I get [iced drink], caramel, please?”

Me: “All right! No problem! And would you like whole or nonfat milk with that?”

Customer: “Uh, extra caramel. Thank you for asking!”

(I just figure she misheard me somehow, and I repeat myself.)

Me: “Of course, ma’am. But would you like whole or nonfat milk in your drink?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “With this drink you get a choice between whole or nonfat milk.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “So, which one would you like, ma’am?”

Customer: “Which what?”

(I have a lot of patience, which is a good trait to have with this job, but now it’s starting to run thin.)

Me: “Which kind of milk, ma’am? Whole or nonfat?”

Customer: “I don’t understand what that means.”

(I just quit. I tell her her total and to pull up. She finally pulls up to the window.)

Customer: “This has skim milk, right? I’m lactose intolerant, so I can’t have whole milk.”

(I just stared at her before telling her yes and to have a good day. I literally face-palmed after that one. I probably should have told her that both milks contain lactose, but I don’t think I could take any more of her being there. Plus… we didn’t get any call backs or complaints from that woman.)

Hunting Wild Mushroom

, , , , , , | Related | April 1, 2019

(My sister and I to go to a popular diner. It’s primarily a burger place, but I don’t eat red meat, so I’m careful about reading if I can replace beef patties with veggie patties, etc. The waiter comes to take my order.)

Me: “Can I please have the mushroom burger?”

Waiter: “You know that burger has no meat, right?”

Me: “Yup, that’s why I’m getting it. That will be all for me, thanks.”

(The waiter moves down the table and my sister turns to me with a look of confusion.)

Sister: “Wait, but mushrooms are a meat!”

Me: “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Sister: “Mushrooms are a meat!”

Me: “No. No, they are not.”

Sister: “If they’re not meat, then what are they?”

Me: “A fungus?”

(My sister sits for a minute, thinking, while I and the other girls who heard her stare at her in confusion.)

Sister: “Oh, yeah. They are a fungus, aren’t they?”

(Turns out she briefly thought mushrooms were an animal, and she thought I was breaking my four-year-long pescatarian diet.)

Their Metric Knowledge Is Pint-Sized

, , , , | Related | March 30, 2019

(My mum prepared us soup for dinner today. It tastes very salty.)

Dad: “Are you sure you put the right amount of water in? This tastes very salty.”

Mum: “Yes! In fact, I put more in. It said to add 900ml and I put a pint in.”

Everyone: *stares at her, then bursts out laughing*

(The odd thing is that she’s been cooking and baking for many years. Clearly, today, her brain just wasn’t working!)

Jarringly Fresh

, , , , , | Right | March 29, 2019

Customer: “Can you show me where the garlic is?”

Me: “Sure, fresh garlic?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Here it is.”

Customer: “Oh, not that. The kind that’s chopped up in the jar.”

Me: “So, not fresh.”

Customer: “Well, I think of it as fresh.”

Me: “…”

They’re A Chip Off The Old Block

, , , , , | Related | March 28, 2019

(I have just given my two-year-old daughter the leftover part of a muffin my wife and I got on a coffee date earlier that day.)

Wife: “Remember that muffin you brought [Daughter] and I from [Coffee Chain] the other day?”

Me: “Yeah, what about it?”

Wife: “Well, I gave it to her for breakfast; she peeled the wrapper off and then ate the bottom, completely ignoring the top.”

Me: “That’s weird.”

Wife: “Yeah, I was like, ‘Sweet, I get the best part,’ but also like, ‘What is wrong with our child?’”

Me: “You do know she’s two and that ‘eating’ a muffin means pulling it apart and finding the chocolate chips, right?”

Page 3/13112345...Last