Don’t Be Spicy Where The Customers Can Hear

, , , , | Working | May 19, 2020

I’m compiling healthy restaurant meals for a personal project. I reach [Mexican Fast Food Chain] and see that their chips and guacamole are relatively healthy. I do not like spicy foods in the slightest, so I call to make sure that their guacamole is not spicy. Note that this all takes place over the phone.

Employee: “Hi. Thank you for calling [Mexican Fast Food Chain]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hi. I have a quick question about your guacamole. Is it spicy at all?”

Employee: “I’m not sure, but I don’t think so.”

Me: “Will you please check for me? I’m extremely sensitive to spiciness.”

Employee: “Sure thing.”

Then, she speaks faintly, as if she is away from the phone.

Employee: “Is the guacamole spicy?”

Employee #2: *Faintly* “That’s the dumbest question ever! No!”

Employee: *Faintly* “Okay.” *Normally* “No, it is not.”

Me: “Okay, thanks for finding out for me.”

Employee: “No problem. Have a nice day.”

Me: “You, too.”

I ended the call. I have no clue why the second employee responded in that way! I guess he was just having an off day, or maybe he thought that I couldn’t hear him. Whatever the case, employees should be careful of what they say!

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Dairy, Dairy, Quite Contrary

, , , , | Right | May 19, 2020

I work the counter at a vegan bakery. We make everything from scratch to ensure that no animal products are in our products and we offer a variety of smoothies and sandwiches, as well.

This exchange happens while I am making a smoothie for one of our regulars. My coworker — one of the bakers — takes over the register to help the next customer in line.

Customer: “There’s chocolate in these cupcakes.”

Coworker: “Yes, we have many items with chocolate in them. They’re very delicious.”

Customer: “But all chocolate has dairy in it. How can you all have a vegan bakery if there’s dairy in the chocolate?”

Coworker: “Well, we make our chocolate here, and I promise you it is vegan.”

The customer suddenly becomes very upset.

Customer: “My friends are vegan and dairy-free. I can’t bring them stuff that has chocolate because all chocolate has dairy!

The owner of the bakery comes from the back kitchen to check out the situation. She herself put a lot of work into making all of the recipes and ensuring all ingredients are vegan and eco-friendly.

Owner: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “There’s chocolate in almost everything you have! These things can’t possibly be vegan! How dare you try to pass these treats as vegan when you are putting milk in them?!”

Owner: “Ma’am, all of our chocolate is vegan. We make our chocolate items from scratch with cocoa powder. And our chocolate chips come from certified vegan sources. This entire establishment is vegan, and we don’t let anything dairy through the doors, especially in the kitchen.”

The customer responds very matter of factly.

Customer: “Yes, but did you even care to think that cocoa powder is made of ground-up chocolate bars, and all chocolate bars have dairy in them? And you said yourself that you use cocoa powder in your chocolate, so your chocolate treats all have dairy in them.”

Everyone, including our regular, is stunned silent at this woman’s backward logic.

Owner: “Ma’am, cocoa powder comes straight from the cacao tree, which in no way produces milk. And not even all chocolate bars have dairy. If you walk into any grocery store, many of the dark chocolate bars are dairy-free. We make everything from scratch here. Everything is vegan; even all of the employees are vegan. I can assure you, there is no dairy in this building.”

Customer: “Oh… Well, fine. I’ll have six cupcakes.”

She then selects six cupcakes, most of which have chocolate.

After she leaves, our normally quiet regular speaks up.

Regular: “Hey, [My Name], this green smoothie you just made me… does it have dairy in it?”

We all laughed hysterically and spent the rest of the day warning each other not to eat anything in case it had dairy in it.

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Let’s Talk Turkey, People

, , , , | Working | May 14, 2020

I live in a French part of Canada, but I studied the language with a teacher from France, so my foreign accent does not always make sense for them. I’m hungry, and I go to this fast food chain to order a sandwich. All this conversation goes on in French.

Me: “Hi, I’d like a grilled cheese with turkey.”

Cashier: “A grilled cheese with what?”

She doesn’t understand the French word for turkey, “Dinde,” which I pronounce “Dand,” and I later learn that she expects “Deind.”

Me: “Turkey.”

Cashier: “Sorry, sir, a grilled sandwich with what?”

Me: “Turkey.”

Cashier: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “You have grilled cheese with two options, correct? One is with bacon, and the other one is…?”

Cashier: “…?”

Me: “Okay, it’s a big bird like this, and we eat it during Christmas.”

The cashier pauses, imagining who would eat a big bird during Christmas.

Cashier: “I’ll call my supervisor; hang on.”

Superior: “What do you want, sir?”

Me: “I want a grilled cheese with turkey.”

The superior thinks for an uncomfortably long time.

Superior: Ohhh! Turkey! He wants turkey!”

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What A Weird Queso-tion

, , , , | Right | May 14, 2020

Customer: “Do you have that melted cheese sauce?”

Me: “Yes, we have chile con queso.”

Customer: “Is it cheesy?”

Me: “…?”

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Probably A Good Time To Stuff A Meatball In Your Mouth

, , , , , | Friendly | May 13, 2020

My friend is throwing a Christmas party. We get together every year, but this year, there are some new significant others, so I am nervous trying to make conversation. The “kids” — aka twenty-somethings — their SOs, and I are gathered in one room with half of the appetizers. My sister is talking about the spread.

Sister: “It’s a good thing I didn’t eat today. I’m eating a lot now.”

Friend #1: “Well, at least this is healthier. Look at all the vegetables and fruit.”

Sister: “Yeah, but do you see my plate? I have rolls, meatballs, and lots of cheese. Oh, and a carrot stick for good measure.”

Friend #2: “Could be worse. You could have gone to [Fast Food Place] and had a burger or something.”

Sister: “Exactly! Thanks, that makes it seem better.”

Me: “Well, if you think about it, you’ve had two or three rolls, at least six meatballs, and a lot of cheese, so it’s kind of like having two or three cheeseburgers.”

Friends: “…”

Sister: “All right, who invited her?”

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