Someone Seriously Needs A Time-Out

, , | Right | August 8, 2008

(I was in line at a Texas-style BBQ restaurant that serves you counter-style. A Wall Street-type dressed in a very expensive designer business suit is two people ahead of me.)

Counter Guy: “What can I get you?”

Customer: “I need two pounds of moist brisket, wrapped up to go.”

Counter Guy: “Sorry, we just ran out.”

Customer: *slams fist on counter* “AAGGHH, F***! What the f***?!”

Counter Guy: “Um… I’m sorry sir. We still have plenty of the lean brisket.”

Customer: “I don’t want the f***ing lean brisket. I came all the way here for the moist. I can’t f***ing believe this s***! What the f***?”

Counter Guy: “Sir…”

Customer: “Ahh, s***! I can’t believe I came all the way the f*** up here for this s***. Of course you’re out! Why wouldn’t you f***ing have the moist? Ahh!”

Counter Guy: “Sir, really, we have the lean and it’s still very good.”

Customer: “But I don’t want the lean. I came for the moist. S***! This f***ing sucks!”

Counter Guy: “C’mon, sir, just try the lean. I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Customer: “No, I won’t! I want the moist. How the f*** can you be out? F***!”

Counter Guy: *offers a free sample of lean brisket* “I’ll give you some to try. Please, sir, just try it.”

Customer: “Fine! I’ll try the d*** lean!”

(He takes a bite.)

Customer: *completely calm* “Yeah. Yeah, that’s not bad at all. I’ll take two pounds to go, please.”

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Of All The Lies To Tell

, , , , | Right | August 6, 2008

Snooty Customer: “I want a milkshake, but I want it made THICK. Last time I had a shake here, it was like drinking ice cream flavored water!”

Me: “I can assure you that I can make you a very thick milkshake, ma’am. What flavor would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “A milkshake! I want a milkshake!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What FLAVOR of milkshake would you like?”

Snooty Customer: “I told you I wanted an extra chocolaty chocolate one!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. One extra chocolaty chocolate milkshake, thick.”

(I fill the milkshake cup with chocolate ice cream and use hot fudge sauce instead of chocolate syrup. I add maybe a tablespoon of milk. I get it mixed up and ring her up, and she leaves. A few minutes later she returns, cuts in front of about 10 people waiting in line and slams her milkshake on the counter.)

Snooty Customer: “I want to talk to a manager! I want to know why no one here can do their d*** job!”

Manager: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Snooty Customer: “I told that girl there I wanted a normal chocolate milkshake, and this is so thick I can’t get it through the straw! I just gave myself a headache trying to drink this thing! I demand double my money back, a free milkshake, and some ibuprofen!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I was standing right behind her when you placed your order. She made you what you asked for. An extra chocolaty shake that was thick. I am not returning your money or giving you a new milkshake.”

Snooty Customer: “But, my husband is Dr. [Name] and I always get what I want!”

(Suddenly, another customer who has been standing in line and watching the whole thing speaks up.)

Another Customer: “Excuse me, b****, but Dr. [Name] is my BROTHER and you sure as h*** aren’t his wife, you d*** liar!”

Snooty Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(My manager gave the other customer her entire order on the house. She deserved it, whether it was true or not.)

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Let’s Try Something Simpler, Like Boiling Water

, , | Right | August 1, 2008

(A woman comes into the store just before closing, and asks where our muffin pans are.)

Me: “Right this way…”

Customer: “So how do you make muffins?”

Me: “Well… I guess you’d just have to buy a box of muffin mix and read the directions.”

Customer: “Well, what do you usually put IN muffins?”

Me: There’s the mix, then the eggs, then the milk, or possibly water….”

Customer: “What do I do with all of that?”

Me: “Normally, you would mix the ingredients and put them in the muffin pan.”

Customer: “So I just pour them in the pan?”

Me: “You can… but most people put the batter in paper muffin cups.”

Customer: “So do I put the paper cups in before or after the batter?”

Me: “…”

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Whipped

, , | Right | July 28, 2008

Customer: “Can I get a pumpernickel bagel and a plain bagel in a bag?”

(I get him his bagels. He looks at the bag with a wistful expression.)

Customer: “Pumpernickel bagel.”

Me: “Yep.”

Customer: “Keeps the peace at home, you know?”

Me: “Um, sure.”

Customer: “Really does. Twenty-three… no, thirty-four years of marriage and it’s come to this. Pumpernickel bagel.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Pumpernickel… bagel.” *leaves*

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Oh, Give Me A Home Where The Jumbo Shrimp Roam

, , | Right | July 24, 2008

Me: “Can I help you with anything, sir?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for some shrimp.”

Me: “Shrimp is in the seafood department, right over there.”

Customer: “See, I don’t want to boil them, I just want to barbecue them.”

Me: “Okay, well, they should be in the seafood department.”

Customer: “But I want to barbecue them. Could you get me a pound of shrimp?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t have shrimp in the deli.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any?”

Me: “We only have deli meat and cheese in the deli. The seafood department has shrimp, just over there.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because shrimp are seafood… They live in the sea.”

Customer: “…really?”

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